Kids and debt stress...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Kids and debt stress...
16
Fri, 12-11-2009 - 12:15pm

Hi everybody. I am feeling a little down on my parenting skills and overwhelmed today and was hoping someone could give me a little advice. We are beyond stressed with money issues lately and I always seem to be yelling at dh or the kids, everything is late and we are doing all we can to keep the heat on and the cars from being repo'd. Ok, slight exaggeration - the mortgage

Angel

Wife to Wayne, Mommy to Tyler (15), Nickolas (3) and Noah (1)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Fri, 12-11-2009 - 12:36pm

Wow! I have been in the same place as you! I have 3 boys, 11,6 and 2 and my husband also has no interest in the bills so I'm the one who has all the anxiety and stress hanging on my shoulders. In my case, though, I wouldn't even want DH to sit down with me about bills because he's the optimistic one and whenever I start to overload him with overdue bills he starts to get depressed and then that makes the whole situation worse! I also worry about how my kids are dealing with our financial stress. My middle son (6) just recently started this obsession with money. He asks everyone for money and grabs change even if it's not his and hoards it somewhere. I'm starting to ask myself if this is caused by our money problems. I myself grew up in a household where money was a constant stress. I can remember my parents scrounging for everything, my mom selling CD's for grocery money. I remember my mom telling me once when I was around 10 or 11 that they only had 2 pennies in the bank and she couldn't buy food.

When I was at my worst point financially, I too was trying as hard as I could just to keep the electricity on and to keep from foreclosing. I really tried to give myself a moment each day where I could destress. A bubble bath, sometimes just getting out there and taking a walk. I would journal and although most of the time my journaling entailed writing down all of my bills and upcoming expenses and income, it made me feel better to do this. I'm not sure what the 'right' way is to handle money problems and kids. I just try not to overload them with too much information, but my oldest is getting to the age where I think it's good to start having simple conversations about money and the mess it can get you in!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Fri, 12-11-2009 - 1:38pm

This is a tough one.

I know you are stressed about finances and you can't help but leak it to other areas of your life but you have to get it under control. You should NOT be doing it on your own.It sounds like you have tried that and it is too much. It is nothing to be ashamed of. You must get DH on Board. ODS is not a substitute.

Have a talk with DH and tell him you are asking for help. Be specific on what you want him to do. Do you want weekly meetings with him? Help with paying things on time? Just ask.

You must take time for yourself as well. You don't have to spend money to do this either. Go have a bubble bath or bundle up and go for a walk to destress. I used to cry in the bath tub so the kids couldn't see me. It really did help. Then one day, I stopped crying in the bath tub and starting plotting on how to get out of my financial mess. It was very empowering that ah ha moment. Baths became much more enjoyable. The only problem is you can't take the calculator in the tub with you LOL!

I do try to teach my kids about saving and how evil credit cards are but I try not to apply it to myself. It is ok to say no to the kids. They will get used to it. It is very important to have financially stable parents, more important than things and fees for things trust me. What about allowances? When they are gone, they are gone. My kids don't ask for much anymore. They don't seem less happy.I just try to spend more time with them on homework and playing board games and walking outside. They don't always want to do those things but they feel better when they do.

You are not helping anyone by trying to do everything. Give yourself a break.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Fri, 12-11-2009 - 1:55pm

I think the anxiety will subside once you have a plan.




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Fri, 12-11-2009 - 2:09pm

To be honest, I have sat our son (16) down and explained all the expenses to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Fri, 12-11-2009 - 2:13pm
No advice for you but wanted to let you know you aren't alone. I've got 4 kids ages 14,10,6, and 4 so I know what you mean about the outflow of money everywhere for those school and activity things. Seems like every time I turn around the schools want money and they seem to think that just because it is a small amount people won't mind yet it is a small amount here and another small amount there times 4 kids so it really adds up. I think my stress level has been going up lately and DH isn't much help - he would rather keep his head buried in the sand. Just today DH was telling me we need to come up with money to replace 1 or both of our computers - 1 is dead and the other one works but is just old and slow. We can barely afford food to eat and gas for the cars but he expects us to buy computers...very annoying!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Fri, 12-11-2009 - 5:34pm

It is so nice to have this board, where I can vent and people get what I am saying. Not that i don't love my dh and boys to death, but just want to beat them with a club sometimes. (lol, I don't really beat them with the club - often anyway). When I try talking to dh he balks and says terrible things about himself and not taking care of us, and makes me feel guilty, so its usually just easier for me to do. I tell you I can relate to your mom too. Yesterday our bank acct. was overdrawn and we ran out of juice for

Angel

Wife to Wayne, Mommy to Tyler (15), Nickolas (3) and Noah (1)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Fri, 12-11-2009 - 5:47pm
I tried doing an allowance for my ODS, but every payday, we never seemed to even have the money I planned for him. ($10.) When you do that, do you make them use their allowance for things for the school/sports activities? My two younger sons, I haven't started teaching about $ yet, they are only 1 & 3, so I haven't tried allowances with them yet. I told DH last night that we needed to start keeping receipts (or writing down if we don't get a receipt) every thing we spend money on for the next month - even his vending machine habit. After 30 days of that, I told him he has to sit down and help me come up with how much we need to allow for everything and come up with a plan to catch everything up and get on track, however, it seems like I just talk and he nods, and says "whatever you think is best". He keeps telling me to just tell him what I need him to do, and than I get frustrated and throw my hands in the air because at this point i am so frustrated I don't know what I need him to do. Unfortunately, ODS and I we're alone for the first 8.5 years of his life, so he is used to asking/talking to me about things like money. I think I am going to let my mom keep the kids overnight next weekend so after dh's christmas party we can try and figure things out. (always easier once we have a few free drinks in us, right?)

Angel


Wife to Wayne, Mommy to Tyler (15), Nickolas (3) and Noah (1)Follow Me to All Boys!

Angel

Wife to Wayne, Mommy to Tyler (15), Nickolas (3) and Noah (1)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Fri, 12-11-2009 - 5:55pm

I really do need to work on getting a realistic budget in place, but at this time, we barely have enough to make minimums, much less budget for kids school stuff and extras. I have cut back on most our bills, but I think we are going to decide to give up a few things for the next 6 months - 1 year (maybe cable or cell phones, etc.). I do like the idea of cutting back on 401k investments, that would add 80/mth to our budget (it is the only retirement acct we have though, but we are relatively young, and won't be retiring for 30+ years - I'm 34, he's 36). I have recently begun selling baby items on ebay (made $135. so far - it's for christmas money, bought ODS main gift with it). It was DS who got the extra pepper cheese sticks, and I don't have the heart to make him feel guilty for it. In retrospect, I should have told him before he went down how tight things were and that we didn't have the money for the extras this year. As I am looking at our figures, I keep coming up with more questions, I will have to start another post...


Thanks for listening to (or reading) me vent.

Angel


Wife to Wayne, Mommy to Tyler (15), Nickolas (3) and Noah (1)Follow Me to All Boys!

Angel

Wife to Wayne, Mommy to Tyler (15), Nickolas (3) and Noah (1)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Fri, 12-11-2009 - 5:58pm
I truly hope that my Tyler sees things that way too. That by seeing us struggle, I am atleast helping him learn how not to be when he is on his own. I can't wait til I can have things that well under control. I think a family meeting might be just what we need.

Angel


Wife to Wayne, Mommy to Tyler (15), Nickolas (3) and Noah (1)Follow Me to All Boys!

Angel

Wife to Wayne, Mommy to Tyler (15), Nickolas (3) and Noah (1)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Fri, 12-11-2009 - 6:04pm
Amen! I too don't understand the mens wish list thing, when I just wish I can pay the gas bill before the termination notice! Just trying to get a grasp on what we need to budget (trying to see if dh or I could get a 2nd part time job for 6 months or so to get things under control) what do you budget for kids school/activity expenses? I need to post all my figures and try and see what we should be doing.

Angel

Wife to Wayne, Mommy to Tyler (15), Nickolas (3) and Noah (1)

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