Not sure if this is the right board....
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| Tue, 12-22-2009 - 11:53pm |
I'm not sure if this is the right board for me. I am busy on other "kid related" boards as I have a child in special ed who has a language problem. But I am looking for some advice regarding my parents and their financial situation.
We just had a very very sad good-bye with my parents. They came to visit us for Christmas and we put them back on a plane to go home. It was heartbreaking. My dad has Parkinson's Disease and can no longer walk or talk. My mom takes care of him and is completely wiped out.
The problem is, they have had so many financial problems over the last 13+ years. I have bailed them out financially so many times because they get in over their heads. They get themselves into situations that they cannot get out of unless someone comes to their rescue. We have paid hotel bills for them because upon checking out they announce that they have no way to pay their bill. We have paid their rent once in recent years because they were so far behind I feared they would be evicted (they ended up evicted 4 months later anyway). What they do is ask us to put something on a credit card and promise to pay us back, but it is too hard on a fixed income to get out of a hole like that so we have said to forget it and try not to let it happen again (in a nice and most respectful way), but in recent months I have let it be clear that we are no longer loaning money or our credit card out to family members. I should also say that a lot of the money I have loaned them has been credit card cash advances to which we could barely afford ourselves, but because it's either that or have them be evicted with no place to go we caved.
So, fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. My parents were planning to arrive here on 12/21. Then a friend in this area invited them to attend a social event on 12/18, so they bought new plane tickets (one way again) to come here and honestly got a good deal on the new tickets to come on 12/14. They have no credit cards because they have terrible credit. They have a debit card. My mom said she would use her debit card for putting a hold on their hotel room and they would stay until 1/1 after their 12/31 deposit came in. She said "they don't set the funds aside while you're there, but rather they just run the card to make sure you have the funds available. LOL!" I feared that they did not even have the funds. She said she was going to ask the hotel manager to waive any hold on their card because she has stayed there before and knows the guy. Well, he never got back to her regarding that. So, they arrive on the 14th. Had 2 free nights on another hotel (Priority club). then on the 16th go to check in to this hotel and they can't waive the hold and they have no money in their account and could only give the lady $100 cash for holding the room. The lady wanted a total of $350. She took the $100 and let them check in. Then my mom came back over to my house and said "We need $250 more or we'll have to get on a bus and go home tomorrow." Remember, my dad is in a wheel chair. We live in CA and their home is in WA. There's no way I would put them on a bus to go home, but I had made it crystal clear that I will no longer loan out money or put anything on a credit card. I think they gambled that at Christmas time I would cave. I told them I'd call my brother who has a real temper and would be very mad about all of this because he doesn't get it at all. They said I could try but he'd say no. Well, I called him and he said he'd do it, but he was ticked off. Later he talked to my mom on the phone and got mad. She called me at my house saying she was going home because he had ruined Christmas for them by being mad.
So, for a couple of days the hotel tried to get his card to charge it and in the meantime she had said they were leaving anyway, so he resinded his offer to use his card figuring that they would charge it after all if they were leaving before their 12/31 deposit came in. So then she e-mails me and says she needs to raise $159 for their plane tickets to go home. She said she would go to the salvation army to see if they would help and then check if her bank would advance her deposit etc... I knew these plans would not work and they had no money left on them and no access to any funds. My husband finally said "We'll buy them a plane ticket home." But he was pissed that they showed up with all of these assumptions once again and have no money yet they make plans to come and stay here for 16+ days in a nice hotel. Even if they used their 12/31 deposit, how would they pay their rent in January? And my mom claims they have enough money for all of that, but then how could they do anything else? I think the total of the hotel plus the rent is nearly equal to their monthly income. There might be a bit left over but that's it. Then she has all these ideas of what she wants to do in the remainder of her stay (before we bought the plane tickets) and with each idea she said "I'll just write a check. It wont clear until 12/31 anyway." WHAT??? And she said "Well, we're in overdraft protection mode so I figured the funds would be available." And it's not like she's not a smart lady. She knows all of this.
I just wonder if there is an underlying problem of some sort. They like their condo that they rent in WA and the land lady is very nice to them. I would be devastated for them to be evicted. And after this blow up I'm not even sure what they would do.
If you've read this far thank you so much. You are a saint. I'm not sure how to help my parents. We are not exactly wealthy, but we plan and my husband has a decent job. We have 3 kids, one of which has some special needs that we have to pay out of pocket for.
The good thing is that they have a government pension plus 2 social security checks, and they have excellent health insurance since my dad retired from a federal government job. They have all of the household "stuff" that they could ever want or need. They don't need anything in terms of physical items or food, but they have no sense of reality and it's always the same cycle where they get under water and have to move. I don't know how else to help them. We tried to explain that they need to put a little money aside every month and then once they've saved they can go on vacation. And if that means they can only visit for 5 days, then that's all they can do. We make an effort to go see them twice/year so they have a chance to see their grandchildren. I know they'd like to come here to visit other family and friends, but then they need to save.
What is the best way for me to help them? Were we totally cruel to buy them plane tickets to go home? We didn't send them home that day, but 2 days later. The day in between that day and the departure day we had a little Christmas dinner here with my mom's aunt and uncle as well as my (angry) brother who stayed nice and calm the entire night. We bought presents for the kids and put their names on them so the kids had gifts to open from their grandparents. We even gave my parents a few small items to open as well in addition to the tickets, but the tickets ended up being our present to them. We could have spent that same amount of money back when they first said "we need $250" but we would have ended up in the same boat at the end of their stay or in the next month or two when they find themselves not able to recover from the hotel expense which would have been well over $1200.
Thanks.
Kathryn


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Wow, what a rough spot to be in for the holidays! Is there anyway your parents could stay with you guys, your brother, other friends or family when they come in. Even if it's only 1-2 days here, then on to the next. $1200 to me sounds huge! I know my grandfather is in FL and we are in PA. When he comes home to visit (at least 2x year, more for weddings/funerals) he stays with my aunt. If he had to pay for a hotel room, I'm pretty
Angel
Wife to Wayne, Mommy to Tyler (15), Nickolas (3) and Noah (1)
Hi, Kathryn.
I think that you are a fabulous daughter.
Hi Kathryn & welcome to the board.
Norma
"Patience is the best remedy for every trouble"- Plautus
Hi Kathryn,
I must say, I'm suddenly very grateful for my fiscally responsible parents.
Kate
Hi Kathryn,
Wow...
I believe your mother's inability to manage funds very likely stems from "underlying problems."
Thank you everyone. First, let me answer the question about them staying with me. That is not a good option at all and it has never been asked by them. It would cause a lot of stress around here. Once she offered to get her sofa-bed out of her storage unit and swap it with mine so they could stay on the sofa-bed. Our house is tiny and they like to sleep till noon and stay up super late. And even when they sleep, they like to have talk radio on all night long. It would be sleepless for us and the kids would be afraid to go out to the living room in the morning with my parents out there asleep. I'm sure they could adjust their sleeping habits slightly, but still. My husband would go nuts at least. In case you hadn't quite figured it out, my mom is extremely high maintenance. : )
As to having a heart to heart I'm sure we will when her blood stops boiling. She already sent me an e-mail saying that I was an ungrateful child. It was a horrible nasty e-mail that will take a very long time for me to forget. She copied my husband, brothers and sister in law. Later she said it was directed towards all of us. She was mad that someone had included my older brother and younger sister in an e-mail about this. She thought I had done it, but honestly, I did not want to bring them into the situation. She again made an assumption.
The hard thing is that now she totally feels like the victim in all of this. I'm sure she went home saying "my son in law sent us packing as soon as we arrived."
Yes, the hotel bill would have been $1200. We've already given them over $20K over the years and it's all been through bailouts. I think they came here with the assumption that I would not allow them to leave at Christmastime.
I did get my mom to calm down a bit and have been e-mailing a little bit since they left and I begged her to see someone for some mental health treatment. I think if nothing else, she might be depressed and who wouldn't be with such a tough caretaker job. She loves my dad and does take excellent care of him. I don't doubt that. It's just too much on her. I asked her to call a social worker to see what kind of help they can get to care for him. But what does all of this cost? Will she be able to make any sacrifices on anything for her lifestyle to pay for extra care for him? I don't know.
Anyway, thank you again. My husband and I talked to her for about 45 mins last week and tried to get the idea through of saving your money before you make travel plans. They can't stay with me (for reasons already stated) and my brother lives in a send story apartment which doesn't work for my dad who cannot walk. They have to come here when friends are traveling so they can house sit. But more important, they have to save ahead of time. I was reading some of your posts and saw something most people called an e-fund. I was thinking a savings account at another bank so she couldn't easily go online and transfer it back to herself.
Kathryn
Wow!
You are a saint and so is your husband believe it or not!(Your children are gorgeous!!)
Oh dear, this sounds like my mom(her and her husband stay up late drinking lots of wine they can't afford and sleep in), except she knows better than to ask me for money. I don't think her credit is ruined yet at she borrows from Peter to pay Paul.
I am so sorry for your trouble. I am also sorry I don't have a solution for this problem. I do wish you luck. Being firm is the best way to go I do believe.
This just reinstates in my mind I need to get better off financially so I am not a burden to my own kids, so thank you for that.
Thank you everyone for such support and for the idea of the senior center. Maybe I can call the senior center in the town where they live and ask about this kind of thing. I just did all the food shopping for the next 2 days and was walking around aimlessly in the grocery store. I felt like such a zombie. I've never been depressed, but I feel so devastated over all of this. I have always loved Christmas so much. What a magical time of year. I even got married in December (1993) because I wanted Christmas decorations at my wedding reception and a candlelight service. My mom and dad know this about me. I think they figured they would come here and I would not allow them to leave. What crushes me the most is that they figured even though I have told them I am no longer loaning money out to people that I would make an exception or that I didn't really mean it.
they take advantage. And now that we sent them home, saving them over $1000 that they could not afford anyway, my mom is acting like such a victim. My sister called to see that they got home safely and my mom e-mailed me to let me know that she at least got to hear a friendly voice.
Thank you again for letting me vent. It's amazing how much easier it is to talk to strangers when you know everyone has similar issues.
I wanted to add that we have been in credit card debt ourselves and it is nearly impossible to get out. We got lucky in that we had some invenstments. I sold all of them in July 2008 when I saw the economy starting to tank. We didn't have a ton of investments, but enough to cash in half of it and pay off our credit cards completely a month or 2 ago. We got a new credit card last month with a low rate to keep for emergency. My husband does not like to buy over the internet with a debit card. The rule is that it is to be paid off every month. Our new years resolution is to stick to this rule. Also, we signed papers yesterday to refinance our mortgage at a new low for us of 4.625% 30 yr fixed. We don't have a huge house, but it's affordable. We've been here for 17 yrs and it's always been an adjustable rate mortgage. It feels very stable. My husband's company (Sun Microsystems) was recently bought out by Oracle so we are worried he might lose his job, but at least we'll have a stable mortgage payment.
I hope to be of support to anyone else who might also need it. You are all very kind people and very supportive with wonderful debt support ideas.
Kathryn
Huugggss!
You Mom is living in a financial fantasy world.
Kathryn,
It sounds like you're getting your own financial house in order.
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