Not sure if this is the right board....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Not sure if this is the right board....
14
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 11:53pm

I'm not sure if this is the right board for me. I am busy on other "kid related" boards as I have a child in special ed who has a language problem. But I am looking for some advice regarding my parents and their financial situation.

We just had a very very sad good-bye with my parents. They came to visit us for Christmas and we put them back on a plane to go home. It was heartbreaking. My dad has Parkinson's Disease and can no longer walk or talk. My mom takes care of him and is completely wiped out.

The problem is, they have had so many financial problems over the last 13+ years. I have bailed them out financially so many times because they get in over their heads. They get themselves into situations that they cannot get out of unless someone comes to their rescue. We have paid hotel bills for them because upon checking out they announce that they have no way to pay their bill. We have paid their rent once in recent years because they were so far behind I feared they would be evicted (they ended up evicted 4 months later anyway). What they do is ask us to put something on a credit card and promise to pay us back, but it is too hard on a fixed income to get out of a hole like that so we have said to forget it and try not to let it happen again (in a nice and most respectful way), but in recent months I have let it be clear that we are no longer loaning money or our credit card out to family members. I should also say that a lot of the money I have loaned them has been credit card cash advances to which we could barely afford ourselves, but because it's either that or have them be evicted with no place to go we caved.

So, fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. My parents were planning to arrive here on 12/21. Then a friend in this area invited them to attend a social event on 12/18, so they bought new plane tickets (one way again) to come here and honestly got a good deal on the new tickets to come on 12/14. They have no credit cards because they have terrible credit. They have a debit card. My mom said she would use her debit card for putting a hold on their hotel room and they would stay until 1/1 after their 12/31 deposit came in. She said "they don't set the funds aside while you're there, but rather they just run the card to make sure you have the funds available. LOL!" I feared that they did not even have the funds. She said she was going to ask the hotel manager to waive any hold on their card because she has stayed there before and knows the guy. Well, he never got back to her regarding that. So, they arrive on the 14th. Had 2 free nights on another hotel (Priority club). then on the 16th go to check in to this hotel and they can't waive the hold and they have no money in their account and could only give the lady $100 cash for holding the room. The lady wanted a total of $350. She took the $100 and let them check in. Then my mom came back over to my house and said "We need $250 more or we'll have to get on a bus and go home tomorrow." Remember, my dad is in a wheel chair. We live in CA and their home is in WA. There's no way I would put them on a bus to go home, but I had made it crystal clear that I will no longer loan out money or put anything on a credit card. I think they gambled that at Christmas time I would cave. I told them I'd call my brother who has a real temper and would be very mad about all of this because he doesn't get it at all. They said I could try but he'd say no. Well, I called him and he said he'd do it, but he was ticked off. Later he talked to my mom on the phone and got mad. She called me at my house saying she was going home because he had ruined Christmas for them by being mad.

So, for a couple of days the hotel tried to get his card to charge it and in the meantime she had said they were leaving anyway, so he resinded his offer to use his card figuring that they would charge it after all if they were leaving before their 12/31 deposit came in. So then she e-mails me and says she needs to raise $159 for their plane tickets to go home. She said she would go to the salvation army to see if they would help and then check if her bank would advance her deposit etc... I knew these plans would not work and they had no money left on them and no access to any funds. My husband finally said "We'll buy them a plane ticket home." But he was pissed that they showed up with all of these assumptions once again and have no money yet they make plans to come and stay here for 16+ days in a nice hotel. Even if they used their 12/31 deposit, how would they pay their rent in January? And my mom claims they have enough money for all of that, but then how could they do anything else? I think the total of the hotel plus the rent is nearly equal to their monthly income. There might be a bit left over but that's it. Then she has all these ideas of what she wants to do in the remainder of her stay (before we bought the plane tickets) and with each idea she said "I'll just write a check. It wont clear until 12/31 anyway." WHAT??? And she said "Well, we're in overdraft protection mode so I figured the funds would be available." And it's not like she's not a smart lady. She knows all of this.

I just wonder if there is an underlying problem of some sort. They like their condo that they rent in WA and the land lady is very nice to them. I would be devastated for them to be evicted. And after this blow up I'm not even sure what they would do.

If you've read this far thank you so much. You are a saint. I'm not sure how to help my parents. We are not exactly wealthy, but we plan and my husband has a decent job. We have 3 kids, one of which has some special needs that we have to pay out of pocket for.

The good thing is that they have a government pension plus 2 social security checks, and they have excellent health insurance since my dad retired from a federal government job. They have all of the household "stuff" that they could ever want or need. They don't need anything in terms of physical items or food, but they have no sense of reality and it's always the same cycle where they get under water and have to move. I don't know how else to help them. We tried to explain that they need to put a little money aside every month and then once they've saved they can go on vacation. And if that means they can only visit for 5 days, then that's all they can do. We make an effort to go see them twice/year so they have a chance to see their grandchildren. I know they'd like to come here to visit other family and friends, but then they need to save.

What is the best way for me to help them? Were we totally cruel to buy them plane tickets to go home? We didn't send them home that day, but 2 days later. The day in between that day and the departure day we had a little Christmas dinner here with my mom's aunt and uncle as well as my (angry) brother who stayed nice and calm the entire night. We bought presents for the kids and put their names on them so the kids had gifts to open from their grandparents. We even gave my parents a few small items to open as well in addition to the tickets, but the tickets ended up being our present to them. We could have spent that same amount of money back when they first said "we need $250" but we would have ended up in the same boat at the end of their stay or in the next month or two when they find themselves not able to recover from the hotel expense which would have been well over $1200.

Thanks.
Kathryn

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 7:40pm

You're so funny. I've done exactly that, but I don't think my mom buys it at all. I mentioned that my younger daughter (10) has a language disorder and learning disability. We have her in private speech therapy and also psychotherapy for anxiety. The insurance for the speech therapy has been good, but it has been a nightmare to battle for it. Still I have prevailed up to this point. The psychotherapy was not as good with ins, but all that will change now that we have mental health parity. And wouldn't you know it, my latest claim for speech therapy is not going through. They are continuing to review it and ask for more info. I have hinted to the SLP that without coverage we cannot do this any further. She hates dealing with insurance companies, so we have to file claims ourselves and pay her directly. I have kept my mom in the loop on all of this and she knows that at a moment's notice we may have to pull her out of speech therapy because guess what? It's not in the budget!!! Still, she does not hesitate. She justifies everything she does and everything she asks for. She says she'll pay it back, but then she can't, but she thinks that as long as she intended to it's ok. So, if I give her financial woes, she'll say "oh, it'll all work out in the end." Like it's nothing. If my husband loses his job, then MAYBE she'll stop asking.

Anyway, I'm not perfect, but I have tried to be a good daughter to them. When they're gone some day I don't want to have any regrets. The hard thing is that even though I have 3 siblings, my parents don't go to them for support of any kind. Morale support or financial support. they justify why the others are unable to be there for them. My brother is in the military and has 5 kids. My sister is single and barely supporting herself. etc...

Trying not to feel sorry for myself. You are all wonderful people. Thank you again. I will check into the Financial Peace University. I've never heard of that before.

Kathryn

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2008
Wed, 12-23-2009 - 8:19pm

You might never be able to convince your mother that your husband and children are your top priority.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Thu, 12-24-2009 - 4:09pm

Hi Kathryn,


I was having a Christmas Eve lunch with my daughter (who's 26) and you came up in conversation.

Kate


empty purse

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Fri, 12-25-2009 - 3:41pm

Thanks for sharing this. I am glad someone else can learn from my mistakes.

I don't know what's going to happen with our situation, but I'm going to try to enjoy what is left of my Christmas.

Kathryn

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