I need more advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
I need more advice
3
Thu, 12-31-2009 - 5:54pm

I first posted before Christmas about a situation with my parents. I have been talking with my siblings and we all agree that my parents are 1) really bad with money and 2) have a REALLY bad history. My brother did a search for legal judgments and they have been evicted twice. I paid their rent for 1.5 months a few years ago thinking that would get them back on track, but then they ended up moving 3 months later. I looked back at the e-mail exchange from the time and I noticed the e-mail from the landlord saying "we're ready for a fresh start. Please pay your rent on time each month and in one lump sum. They recinded the prior eviction hoping that they would pay on time (second chance)" That was after Feb rent was paid. Then the eviction came in May of the same year. So, for March, April and May they could not keep it together even after being given a second chance. This is just one example of many.

Looking back on the old e-mails I am realizing that every single e-mail (or almost) that my mom sent me she mentions money. Either how much they paid for something or how much they saved, etc... it's never ending. And so many times I have gotten e-mails from her "Kathryn, be a doll and do this for us." and I have done it. I think because I was afraid to say no fearing that they would end up on the street, but honestly I didn't want my mom to be mad at me. It sounds so pathetic now that I say it out loud.

I don't want to bog down this board with all of this emotional baggage, but I am wondering if this is the right board for this subject or if there is some other board on iVillage that might be more appropriate. I figure that everyone here can relate to the debt situation and all the feelings that go along with it, but maybe there is some other "debt addictions" board or something. It's not like they have a ticker which shows what they owe people. They have burned all their family bridges for extended family (or just about at least) and I'm learning from my siblings how they have been treated over the years. Pretty much like me, only 2 of my siblings have not gotten stuck in the $$ trap, only the emotional guilt/manipulations.

I plan to speak with a therapist in January. My kids see a very nice lady for anxiety related issues and I go in and talk to her every once in a while and plan to discuss this with her. But I'm not sure how to best help my parents at this point. They are also both handicapped. My mom is not too bad, but my dad is quite bad off with advanced parkinson's disease. I know all of this started before he was so badly disabled, so he was part of it in the early years.

Anyway, any help I can get would be fantastic. Again, I need some sort of support group for dealing with family members who constantly have $$ problems and expect others to bail them out. That's a pretty specific need, so anything you can offer in the way of advice would be great. Thanks!

Kathryn

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2008
Thu, 12-31-2009 - 7:10pm

Hi Kathryn,


I'm VERY pleased that you will be speaking with a therapist.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Thu, 12-31-2009 - 7:46pm

Yes, they are actually looking into getting more care. My mom is looking into getting some kind of a home health aid worker for my dad part time. They actually make too much monthly income (not sure where it is spent) to qualify for medicaid, but in talking with an elder care service guy yesterday he informed me that there are ways to split their income so that he can take advantage of medicaid since his salary alone would not cover him and since my mom would require her own income to live on since she does not have the same needs. I'll investigate that further.

I think my siblings and I have a fairly good short and long term plan of helping them. There are no more handouts. I made that clear this summer. I don't think they believed me, however, because they showed up for Christmas in another dire situation that required us to say no, which also meant putting them on a plane back to WA before Christmas. It was heartbreaking for everyone involved, especially the kids, but they showed up here with a 1 way ticket saying "we need money or we have to go home tomorrow" but they had no way of getting home either! What they wanted was money to cover their hotel "temporarily" until they could get paid at the end of the month, but then we have been in that situation before as well. Checking out of the hotel without money and the hotel bill HAS to be paid once you stay there or it's a crime and it would have been over $1000 crime at the end of their stay if someone didn't pony up. I'm hoping that our tough love at Christmastime sent a strong message. Don't count on any more helping hands in this regard. I am happy to make phone calls to social services and my brother will go see them this summer and possibly go over their finances if they are open to it, although I'm not sure they are.

Today's e-mail from her said this to me:
I'm doing the best I can trying to keep track of the expenses you are incurring on our behalf recently and aim to pay you back--maybe not all at one time, but we'll chip away at it in 2010. LOL

Everything about this ends with her saying "LOL" as if it's funny. And the thing is, for the last several years I have not said anything when she says she's going to work on paying us back. I think it's like an alcoholic saying "I'm going to stop drinking this year. LOL" I am not counting on it. And to be honest, if they never pay us back another dime, but they start acting responsibly, it'll be worth the tens of thousands of dollars they owe us. I keep saying "instead of paying us back, open a savings account and start a vacation fund so when you do go on vacation, you can pay cash up front and not have to stress about money." There's nothing worse than being on vacation not sure how you're going to pay for it. How relaxing can that possibly be? When I asked ahead of this last vacation if they had to pre-pay for the hotel she said "No, they'll waive that for us" because she knew she didn't have the money to prepay and didn't even have the funds in her account to hold the room for a portion of their stay. They were in "overdraft protection mode. LOL"

Yes, I'm going to talk to the therapist. I just didn't realize until I started reading old e-mails that this sounds more like a sickness. It's not just the money borrowing, but any time she finds herself in a predicament, she starts bad mouthing everyone else in the family. And thankfully I have resisted joining in. And like I've said in the past, they have burned so many old relationships its not even funny. People are insulted that not only did they not honor their promise to pay money back, but they totally ignore it and go on with life as if they never borrowed in the first place. My mom's comments about those people are always "Well, they have plenty of money." as if she is entitled to it.

Thanks again. It helps to air things out on this board because I desperately need some sort of a support group of some kind.

Kathryn

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2008
Thu, 12-31-2009 - 8:42pm

Kathyrn,


That was an ecouraging update on the reality of the situation...