Trying to get used to changed lifestyle

Avatar for nmillerhhi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Trying to get used to changed lifestyle
11
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 11:49pm

DH and I are 60 years old and have been married 8 years.

3 years ago, I was offered a great job in another state. DH and I moved to take it since he has a job that is available everywhere. We were doing pretty good.

We've never had but 2 credit cards. One with a $500 limit and one with a $2000 limit. We used them mostly for my business travel and also for things like tires, car parts, etc. We drive older cars and had no debts other than the cars, child support and credit cards.

My new job had a salary of $70K. We rented a house for $910/month that we loved. Nice little house in a nice little neighborhood. Nothing fancy but comfortable and the landlord had no problem with pets, which was important to us. After renting for nearly 3 years, we were able to get a mortgage. Total monthly payment is $789, which is lower than the rent.

However, I was terminated last April and his job went from 60 hours/week to 32 hours/week due to the economy. Jobs are scarce and he is lucky to have that. I was on unemployment for 8 months until I was approved for disability. I didn't expect disability to be approved that soon nor did I expect disability to be so much less than unemployment. So in less than a year, I've gone from $70K to a little over $15K.

We should have been done with child support but the kid has failed about 3 grades due to not showing up at school (we found out) and we have to pay another year. She will be 19 then. Child support is $655/month for one child. We have never been successful at getting it lowered except when the other 2 children came of age and then it was not lowered much.

Our cars are both 2001 and will be paid off in a year. They were purchased used and financed at the car lot (interest rate was reasonable and loan easy to get).

I suggested to DH that we sell my car but he said no since he needs his truck daily to work and I need mine for my frequent doctor visits. Plus, when work gets better, he'll likely go back on the road and I'll need a car. There is no public transportation and no taxi service where we live.

I cook all our meals when we were used to eating out a lot. I try to average a maximum of $6 per meal. Leftovers are lunch the next day. I have a small freezer that I use a LOT to make meals ahead of time. I haven't bought any clothes at all, even from thrift stores. I quit getting my nails and hair done (ok I look a bit ragged but I rarely leave the house). I did get them done for my mother in law's funeral.

We have taken all necessary steps to lower our utility bills. We did, however, keep the satellite TV. Because of my physical disabilities, I spend a lot of time on the sofa and watching TV is a great source of entertainment. We don't rent movies and we don't go out at all so we feel this one entertainment is ok. We have internet through a DSL line but I do all of our personal business on the internet and I'm still hunting for work. We have litigation issues ongoing because of my mother's estate and I need to be able to send and receive documents and emails daily. I also maintain my social and business connections via internet.

I don't buy tax programs anymore - I use free ones on the internet. We shop garage sales for any items we need before considering buying them.

I would like to further my education by completing my doctorate but getting funding at my age is tough. There are retraining funds available through disability but they don't like to provide education to anyone over 50. I don't want to take out a student loan at my age when we have a new mortgage. I would be less disabled if I could get 2 surgeries but we can't afford the copays until after we're done paying child support in a year. DH hates it when I have to remind him of that. He knows the sacrifices I've made for his totally ungrateful kids.

I'm not sure that anyone can give me any ideas but I sure needed to vent tonight. It's hard changing a lifestyle so drastically in such a short period of time. I feel trapped at times. It's tough when I have to have medications refilled and we don't have enough money for copays because another bill must be paid. I know I'll be sick without them but I have to get through it.

Thanks for listening. I don't like to talk to my friends about it because I don't want to sound like I'm whining.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2007
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 12:14am

Lots of

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 1:56am

hello there


I totally understand medical wise where you are coming from. We are lucky our health insurance is through a state group and it pays well. I was operated on Christmas Eve and we got the bill today it was 75,000.00 and the operation did not work I am on a list to go in for more,Since we are looking at a new year We have to pay 2,000 up front. but doctors and hospitals are great for taking payments.


A few things I have learned hospitals will take payments They divide around here what you owe by two years if it is less then 5,000 Up to 5 years if it is more. Social workers at a hospital can help you get in touch with a drug company about getting money for your meds. A friend of mine gets a drug that would cost her around 450.00 for nothing What they say about drug companies on TV is

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2007
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 8:23am

Hi,


Our lifestyle changed, too, a few years ago due to DH's disability.

Avatar for nmillerhhi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 11:13am

I don't get Medicare until I've been disabled for 24 months. I have good insurance through DH but the surgeon wants the copays up front or they will not schedule me for surgery. Most of the medications are generic and I don't pay much but there are a few that the copay is well over $100. I take 14 medications so it adds up.

In the state where the exwife lives, we have to pay child support until the kid graduates, turns 19 or leaves home. Which means that since she has missed a lot of school and been held back, we have to pay until 19. The same thing happened with her two older brothers. In fact, when her oldest brother turned 19, we tried to get a reduction and were not able to get any reduction until BOTH boys turned 19. So we are eagerly waiting the final year!

In the state where we lived, child support ended the month my son turned 18 even though he was a special needs child who was still in school. He's 23 now and on his own for the most part. He still needs a little money or groceries now and then but he's managing to hold down a job and has a place to live.

We don't do gifts for birthdays, Christmas, etc for each other. We try to make the day special though. I make a special meal with the good china and candles. We have too many kids and grandkids to get into giving them all presents. This year for Christmas, I collected all my favorite recipes, many saved since I was 8, and made a cookbook. I took old family photos from when the kids were little, added in pictures of our parents and created a cookbook that was also a family photo album. I used FedEx Office to print, bind and ship. For a total of about $150, we gave 14 books to our siblings and kids. What was fun was that I didn't put any names under the photos so they all had to call us to ask about pictures they didn't recognize. That's one way to get calls from the kids, huh? We told them that volume 2 would be out next year with more recipes that I couldn't get into this 45 page book.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 12:11pm
I'm sorry I can't really offer any advice, but I do have some idea how you feel. I had to be off work alot the last three years because difficult pregnancies put me on bed rest and in the hospital (small potatoes to what your going through, since I atleast got a prize at the end,lol - and I knew when it would end) anyway, I do know that it is really hard to change lifestyles. After having kids I took a 20k a year paycut from a state job to working with my family so that I could keep my kids with me and dh and I are still struggling. First I want to say that keeping your head up is the only way to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Secondly, it sounds like you will be hitting light soon, with the end of the child support and car payments coming around the same time, sounds like your going to be hitting the lottery soon. I have to say that I loved your cookbook idea. It was one of the most thoughtful heartfelt gifts I have read about in awhile. (Hope you don't mind if I borrow it, lol) This year ours was to be photo-calendars, but that didn't happen - maybe next year. Anyway, again, I can't offer much in the way of advice but just wanted to offer a little e-hug and tell you it sounds like it will get better soon, and to keep focusing on your goal, and keep counting down number of child support and car payments left. When you look at xx no. down/ xx no. to go, it really puts in perspective how far you have come. Good luck!

Angel


Wife to Wayne, Mommy to Tyler (15), Nickolas (3) and Noah (1)Follow Me to All Boys!

Angel

Wife to Wayne, Mommy to Tyler (15), Nickolas (3) and Noah (1)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 8:35pm

Sorry that you are going through all this and I can understand how hard it is to change incomes like that, I have lived through it a few times.


I would ask you to just chill on the childcare issues.




Avatar for nmillerhhi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 9:27pm

As for the child support issues, my DH has never been allowed to be a father to them except to send money. Their mother interferes with all visitations we have tried to make until we stopped making them. We would save for a year, go there and only get to be alone with them for an hour if that. She insists that they call her DH Dad and discourages them from calling my DH Dad. She has stopped the school from sending DH the school reports that Federal law allows him to have. My DH has gotten nasty letters from them over the years. Neither of us has a problem with paying until they are 18. At one point, we were paying child support on two boys who were actually in the Marine Corps. One had been in the Corps for a year and we were still paying child support.

Would I marry a man with children if I had it to do over again? Absolutely not. I also advise other women to never do it. While I love my DH dearly, his children have added nothing but grief to my life. And yet, I entered the marriage delighted to have stepchildren and looking forward to being a good stepmom to them.

I have a 23 year old special needs child. I did get some child support through a garnishment until he was 18. However, it didn't cover the money his treatments cost. At one point, I owed a half million dollars to his hospital when I was making $25K.

Therefore, I am counting the months until his DD is 19 and we don't have to pay for her any more. In the meantime, we send $655/month and try not to think about it other than the end is coming soon. And when it comes, I can have the two surgeries that will make a vast difference in my life by taking away the constant searing pain that prevents me from walking or holding down almost any job.

I am working with Ticket to Work to try to find something I can do to earn money to supplement my disability.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2008
Sat, 01-09-2010 - 11:51pm

Your husband should request a reduction in child support on the basis of his reduced hours (retroactive to reflect the month in which his hours were slashed).

Avatar for nmillerhhi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 12:38am

His daughter works part time already. We have tried in the past to get reduced child support because of reduced hours. We have never been successful.

I have to admit I get a little ticked when someone gives me the "you married him with children and you don't have a right to resent the child support" just because I mention that CS is hard to pay at times. It has been hard to have to send my son to school in outgrown clothes while DH's children scoff at WalMart clothes.

My DH has 2 exwives with kids by each. The first exwife and I are friends. You should have seen the look at the blood bank when I came in to organize a blood drive to get credits so she can get the monthly transfusions she needs to live and they discovered she is my DH's first wife. She is a wonderful sweet lady and when they are able to get 2 units at a time from me for her, it gives me a great feeling. I have a terrific relationship with his older kids. He had not seen them in 25 years because ex#2 abused them. In fact, ex#2 is angry because he has reconciled with them. Would I give a pint of blood for ex#2? Absolutely NOT.

I have insisted that my son know a lot of what is going on with the younger group of kids. I told him he needs to think long and hard before having children because this could happen to him.

The $650 per surgery copay for the knee replacements is only for the surgeon. That doesn't include the hospital or any of the other bills you get when you have surgery. The insurance is good but you still have to pay a portion. In order to put off having the surgeries until the CS is paid, I spend most of my time on the sofa to keep the joints from continuing to deteriorate. If they do, I won't be able to have the surgeries at all. Just a day shopping, even using the electric carts inside the store, leaves me unable to walk at all for 2-3 days. But I WILL get them done and I WILL be better!!

We're getting the mortgage paid although it's sometimes a little late. I'm keeping the utilities paid so we don't have past due fees. The car payments are being made and I only have a year left on both of them.

I found a job I can do from home but it requires a faster computer. My next step is to see if VR will help me with that expense.

I feed us good and search for cheaper ways to prepare meals. I even make our dogs' treats at home. Yes, we have a little herd of Chihuahuas that keep us loved and entertained as well as keep our feet warm at night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2008
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 1:05am

That's a pretty cool story that your husband's first wife is your "blood" buddy!


I'm at a loss as to why your husband is being denied a reduction in child support payments.

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