Idea for my dilemna

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Idea for my dilemna
7
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 1:22pm

As some of you might recall, we had a major family blow up this Christmas. Things kind of hit the fan and we've been realizing that my parents have a serious money problem. It's an addiction of some kind. They have borrowed so much money from my husband and I over the years. Going through old e-mails it looks to be around $30K at this point that they owe us. Also, they have borrowed a similar amount from my brother and his wife, although I think they cut them off years ago. I finally told my mom in August "no more" and yet they showed up here for Christmas without a way to pay for their hotel room and no way to get home (no return tickets). We all got pissed off and sent them home early. It was very sad. Now it seems they have moved on and are trying to be chatty with us again as if nothing happened.

My siblings and I have been discussing what to do. We want my younger brother to take control of their income and pay their bills out of that income and then put some money into paying off the debt they owe us (or a portion of it, we'd be willing to settle for half) and put some into a short term savings (for wants) and a long term savings (for needs) like an e-fund. They'd get to keep everything else and not have any bills to pay unless they accrue new bills, but I don't think they have access because they have no credit.

I'm not sure they would go for us "taking control" but they basically come to us to bail them out anyway, so it would be worth it in my book. But when you have this kind of a problem then I'm not sure how one would feel about this.

Oh, I should mention that they have 2 previous evictions, so this would protect them from that because their income more than covers their rent. I should also say that they have no assets.

Has anyone ever done this before? Would they have to sign over power of attorney? Do we set up a trust and make my brother the trustee? He's an attorney and very honest and very unemotional about money. He wouldn't make exceptions to the plan at all. Like they couldn't call him and ask for an advance on something, etc...

Kathryn

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2008
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 3:15pm

I have to admit that I've thought about your dilemma more than once.

Norma


"Patience is the best remedy for every trouble"- Plautus


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2008
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 3:27pm

Kathryn,


I think you propose an EXCELLENT idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 3:57pm

I think if you all go to them, give them a detailed plan AND tell them that it will enable them to stay in their home and be able to come see you for a holiday, then they would probably go for it.


Have your brother show them a letter signed by all of you that says you are all sorry and want to help them so you don't have to go through this again, so you are trying to help them.


I think you guys came up with a wonderful plan, and your parents need to learn to accept it.




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-1999
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 4:02pm

Dear Mom in a Van,


Just wanted to say that you are in my thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 9:20pm

Thank you everyone for such great replies. My brother is working on his letter right now, but it will be from all of us. He plans to compose the letter from all of the things that the rest of us have said. So, it will be one letter but from all of us together.

He's the perfect person to do this for them because he'll definitely stick with the plan and not deviate. the problem is like you said, they might not go for it. But it's going to have to be some kind of an intervention where they learn how much they have hurt us over the years with the empty promises.

I have gone through my e-mails and copied and pasted little paragraphs from my mom's e-mails into a word document promising to pay me back for this and that and others that ask if I could hold their check for another month before depositing it and then another e-mail asking that I throw away the check because they switched banks, etc... the drama goes on and on. I think my word document is 12 pages now. And I'm only pasting the sentence or two that promises me something. And I have the date prior to each entry. You can see the pattern. There's a little drama and then I come to their rescue and then next thing she's making a budget and a promise to start paying us back and then nothing for months until they are stuck again.

But I want to make something clear, we are not saying sorry for anything. I know you probably meant "sorry to do this, but...." but I want to make it clear that we're not "sorry" because we have been nothing but good to them.

And the point about little kids is good. We are in the same boat. I have 3 kids of my own. I did see a therapist, by the way. She said that this is totally like dealing with someone with an addiction. She said the behavior is classic. My brother referred to me as the "glue" of the family because I hold everyone together. The therapist told me not just that, but I have been the rescuer. So, this is so sad for us, but I think it's the right thing to do. We will not support their life style anymore.

Kathryn

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2008
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 10:09pm

Kathyrn,


I'm really pleased with your plan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Mon, 01-11-2010 - 3:34am
How old are your parents? Does anyone really know what kind of financial shape they are in: what is their income monthly after taxes -- what are their routine expenses? Would they be willing to let you know?
I would suggest that your brother speak also to an elder law attorney -- unless he does that as his specialty -- since there may be things you all have not thought of -- i.e their house if they have one, a will, durable power of attorney, power of attorney for medical care -- what insurance do they have.
The parents seem kind of out of touch with reality -- and that may mean they need more than just intervention for money issues. Are they actually able to manage their own money (and lives??)
Also, it honestly doesn't sound like they will ever be able to pay anyone back -- I realize it is a lot of money, but as dear old Dave Ramsey says -- you should never loan money -- if you must respond to a request or get stuck with paying, they you should realize and tell them too, that it is a gift.
Good for your siblings for pulling together -- this is really rough for you, but it may be that they really need more help than they realize.
Hugs,
Megan