Phase one of intervention about to begin
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 01-16-2010 - 5:20pm |
I wrote my parents an awesome letter. It's 13 pages. I decided the theme would be all the roles I have played in our family. From the financial standpoint I have been their rescuer. I went through old e-mails and determined that they have about $34,000 they have borrowed from me or asked me to put on my credit card and it has never been paid back. No, I'm not planning to get this money back.
My siblings and I came up with a plan to ask my parents to allow us to receive their monthly income, which there is plenty of between a pension and 2 social security payments. We will pay their bills, put money in savings, pay off a little debt to us (whatever amount we agree on - not the full amount) and the rest we will give to them for food and other personal items for themselves. According to our budget, they should still have around $1100-$1500/mo just for spending money even after savings of $300/mo plus all living expenses. That's why we don't understand why they are in such financial place. We don't know why they are overdrawn and making impractical decisions.
My letter to them was 13pages. "Look what this has cost us in real money and emotional stress over the last 14 years (8 yrs of e-mail to document). We love you, but you cannot handle your money. We want the best for you. We don't want to see you struggling the way you have been. We want you to allow us to receive your monthly income and use it to pay your bills, put money aside for savings (emergency and travel - 2 sep funds). You have a son who is an attorney and a daughter with an MBA in finance who are willing to partner up to do this on your behalf. Should you decline our offer we will continue to love you. We will visit you and you can visit us and your grandchildren any time you want, but we will never loan you money or give you money or bail you out of another financial situation again. You choose."
I'm going to send them 2 copies of my letter so they can both have a copy of it.
I should note that my dad is severely disabled at this point and my mom has had the burden of caring for him and she wants to care for him. She is the one handling the money now, but even when he was more capable, things were equally bad. This is not "because" of his health problems. I think it just adds to the pressure on my mom.
There are a lot of hurt feelings over this and that's why we are doing this. Has anyone here ever had to do this before?
Kathryn


Pages
I am praying that they take this message in the loving way it is intended.
You are all very caring children and I am sure they will have reservations, but maybe the sibling they seem to "like" or be closest with can talk to them and sooth their fears.
-Marie
Please click here to visit my website to fulfill all your Gold Canyon candle, personal care or home cleaning needs. Also if you want to be a rep, I am always available!
Please click here
Hi,
Sorry about this situation. I just want to let you know you are not alone. My parent's were always upside down with living beyond their means or whatever.
It's very sad having parents like this, I know.
I hope it goes well, but if it doesn't at least you know you tried for years and years, pouring money towards the cause, and by taking over their finances.
You've done all you can do or rather you have gone above and beyond.
Take care of yourself and your family, have a great new year.
I do have a couple questions. Did the budget you worked out include all medications?
Gosh, I hope your parents agree to this plan.
Kate
Dear Mom,
I think you have done the right thing.
Thanks everyone. They pretty much spit in our faces. We offered and my mom came back saying that we are all just venting and she wont tell my dad anything except that she tells him that we are all writing letters to vent our anger. He has no idea and does not know the whole story. He is handicapped and she probably wont let us talk to him at all.
She brings her Bible and throws it in our face saying stuff like that I'm falling away from the Lord. I'm a Christian and feel that this is the right thing to do. We've told her that we love them and want to help them. I tried to stick with facts. She comes back with insults that I cannot defend. I don't understand how she can use Christianity as a weapon.
Anyway, I'm completely distraught over this.
Oh, I'm so sorry:( I know that was not the response you were hoping for...I know it must be so hard and I struggle w/boundaries and similar issues w/family members. The only thing I have found so far that has worked is to remember that this is so much more than you can handle on your own and it is not about you. These problems your parents are dealing with are their own and nothing you do or don't do is really going to help them until they decide that they need help. Even once your mom sees she has a problem, she will have to be the one to do the hard work to change.
If you don't give them any more money how do you forsee that affecting you? Will it mean a loss of the relationships? Are you in therapy for yourself? This is a very hard thing to go through without some good, solid, objective support.
Again, I'm sorry your mom did not respond in the way that seems right. It just sounds like she is unable to face her own issues and spending - maybe spending keeps them away. What helps me, again, is to remember that the other person's problem(s) is her own and it is not my responsibility to fix it. I have to believe the other person is capable and give them back their power. I know it's hard and I have to work on it everyday. I know it's sad when people make choices that hurt them and we have to see them be hurt. But we have to give them their choices back. It really is their lives and it's hard but we have to work on our own selves.
I hope that I wasn't too preachy....if I was, please disregard it. I will be thinking of you as you go through this tough time.
Ok, to help with some of those comebacks, you can tell her that there are more references in the Bible to Debt than to Love as the framers of the first Church - Paul and the Apostles, realized that debt could destroy relationships.
Proverbs 13:22
Psalm 37:21
Another thought, how about calling her pastor and talking to him?
Pages