Phase one of intervention about to begin

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Phase one of intervention about to begin
21
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 5:20pm

I wrote my parents an awesome letter. It's 13 pages. I decided the theme would be all the roles I have played in our family. From the financial standpoint I have been their rescuer. I went through old e-mails and determined that they have about $34,000 they have borrowed from me or asked me to put on my credit card and it has never been paid back. No, I'm not planning to get this money back.

My siblings and I came up with a plan to ask my parents to allow us to receive their monthly income, which there is plenty of between a pension and 2 social security payments. We will pay their bills, put money in savings, pay off a little debt to us (whatever amount we agree on - not the full amount) and the rest we will give to them for food and other personal items for themselves. According to our budget, they should still have around $1100-$1500/mo just for spending money even after savings of $300/mo plus all living expenses. That's why we don't understand why they are in such financial place. We don't know why they are overdrawn and making impractical decisions.

My letter to them was 13pages. "Look what this has cost us in real money and emotional stress over the last 14 years (8 yrs of e-mail to document). We love you, but you cannot handle your money. We want the best for you. We don't want to see you struggling the way you have been. We want you to allow us to receive your monthly income and use it to pay your bills, put money aside for savings (emergency and travel - 2 sep funds). You have a son who is an attorney and a daughter with an MBA in finance who are willing to partner up to do this on your behalf. Should you decline our offer we will continue to love you. We will visit you and you can visit us and your grandchildren any time you want, but we will never loan you money or give you money or bail you out of another financial situation again. You choose."

I'm going to send them 2 copies of my letter so they can both have a copy of it.

I should note that my dad is severely disabled at this point and my mom has had the burden of caring for him and she wants to care for him. She is the one handling the money now, but even when he was more capable, things were equally bad. This is not "because" of his health problems. I think it just adds to the pressure on my mom.

There are a lot of hurt feelings over this and that's why we are doing this. Has anyone here ever had to do this before?

Kathryn

Photobucket
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-1999
Mon, 01-18-2010 - 11:17am

Dear Mom,


I am sorry to hear about their reaction, but I am not surprised.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2008
Mon, 01-18-2010 - 12:58pm

Kathryn, I know this is probably very hard for you to do, but I do believe with all my heart that you are doing the right thing.

Norma


"Patience is the best remedy for every trouble"- Plautus


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Mon, 01-18-2010 - 5:44pm

Thank you everyone. I am hoping that giving them some time and space will heal some of the hurt. I am not holding out much hope that they will go for our plan. Since they live out of state it's difficult to contact my dad. He cannot talk or walk any longer. He is probably in the dark about a lot of things.

We are trying to stay on message and avoid the religious battle, but thank you for the Bible verses. That is awesome. My sister looked up a bunch as well. Thanks to the internet!

Kathryn

Photobucket
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 9:12am

I am so sorry for what you are going through. We also went through a tricky financial situation that half way came to a end in

Liz

student loan paid off 2010

Bathroom remodel loan paid off 2013

Pending Car loan to be paid by the end of 2014!!!!!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 10:05am

Kathryn, I'm really sorry it didn't work the first time.

Kate


empty purse

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 10:30am

Thank you. I am happy to report that yesterday's e-mail from my mom was slightly less negative than in the past. It's something, right? She said "before we agree to anything we will need to have an elder care attorney look at it and talk to an accountant and a Christian Counselor". Well, I hope and pray that she will see a counselor of some kind, but have my doubts that she would tell the real story. We realized that we haven't really laid out a plan on paper for her to look at yet, so we'll do that soon. She also asked for a "pause" in this discussion to give them time to think about it. I thought that was either a good sign or another stall tactic to get the monkey off her back for a while.

Kathryn

Photobucket
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 4:07pm

There is a psychological term called cognitive dissonance theory.




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-1999
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 7:27pm

Hi, Mom,


I hope that things get better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2008
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 9:40pm
I have no advise. I just wanted to say good luck with all this. I hope that your mother can see your thinking and come up with a plan that will work for her and your father.





iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2000
Thu, 01-21-2010 - 9:42pm
I hope it's a good sign (rather than the alternative)!