Phase one of intervention about to begin

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Phase one of intervention about to begin
21
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 5:20pm

I wrote my parents an awesome letter. It's 13 pages. I decided the theme would be all the roles I have played in our family. From the financial standpoint I have been their rescuer. I went through old e-mails and determined that they have about $34,000 they have borrowed from me or asked me to put on my credit card and it has never been paid back. No, I'm not planning to get this money back.

My siblings and I came up with a plan to ask my parents to allow us to receive their monthly income, which there is plenty of between a pension and 2 social security payments. We will pay their bills, put money in savings, pay off a little debt to us (whatever amount we agree on - not the full amount) and the rest we will give to them for food and other personal items for themselves. According to our budget, they should still have around $1100-$1500/mo just for spending money even after savings of $300/mo plus all living expenses. That's why we don't understand why they are in such financial place. We don't know why they are overdrawn and making impractical decisions.

My letter to them was 13pages. "Look what this has cost us in real money and emotional stress over the last 14 years (8 yrs of e-mail to document). We love you, but you cannot handle your money. We want the best for you. We don't want to see you struggling the way you have been. We want you to allow us to receive your monthly income and use it to pay your bills, put money aside for savings (emergency and travel - 2 sep funds). You have a son who is an attorney and a daughter with an MBA in finance who are willing to partner up to do this on your behalf. Should you decline our offer we will continue to love you. We will visit you and you can visit us and your grandchildren any time you want, but we will never loan you money or give you money or bail you out of another financial situation again. You choose."

I'm going to send them 2 copies of my letter so they can both have a copy of it.

I should note that my dad is severely disabled at this point and my mom has had the burden of caring for him and she wants to care for him. She is the one handling the money now, but even when he was more capable, things were equally bad. This is not "because" of his health problems. I think it just adds to the pressure on my mom.

There are a lot of hurt feelings over this and that's why we are doing this. Has anyone here ever had to do this before?

Kathryn

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Thu, 01-21-2010 - 9:57pm
Not sure what's going to happen. My mom is super resistant to this whole idea. It really reminds me of when we "insisted" that my in laws go to assisted living. My mother in law ended up passing away 18 months later, but she was really headed downhill by the time they moved in there. And the good thing is that my FIL is now accustomed to being there, so he never had to be alone in his house. It was difficult to get adjusted because they had to give up a little freedom when they moved there. They totally resisted and I think my parents are resisting because they have to give up some of their financial freedom. I am hoping and praying that they will see that this is necessary and for their own good.
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