Butt dialing nightmare

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Butt dialing nightmare
19
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 9:31am

Long story, need to vent, you guys are great.

My DD is a senior, honor student, good athlete and overall really good kid and hard worker. She is not a genius, but studies 3-4 hours every night. She wants to go into nursing or become a physicians assistant and will even graduate high school with a CNA (Certified Nurse Assistant) due to a technical training program she takes along with her regular high school classes (public schools are great!) She has taken it upon herself to job shadow, look for scholarships (and do the followup work to fill them out) she works part time, is in student council and does volunteering. She is a really good kid and I am very proud of her. She just made state finals in a health care terminology competition, she so loves her aspired career.

I am divorced and she had to move in the middle of her sophomore year, but is only an hour away from her old school, friends and boyfriend. She is my only biological child, and I have been there for everything (dance, GS leader, sports mom, driving on field trips, etc.) We also have Dh's son, a junior and the two get along great.

Well I need DD's father to fill out some forms for her for some of the colleges. She got into all 7 schools, and we narrowed to three, all public, all less than $20k for tuition room and board and two of the three have offered some academic scholarships already. She will go in as a second term freshman due to her AP and college credits already.

Well last weekend we tried to meet my Ex, who has been unemployed since September 2008 (lost his 16th job) to have him fill out the online stuff (he has no computer.) He was out of town. This weekend we called to meet him, he was at some concert or event with a lot of noise with his friends and said he did not WANT to fill out the stuff she needed. OK, he pays $0 in child support, he pays none of the medical costs he is supposed to pay, and I even pay for gas she uses and the car to go see him and the cell phone she uses to call him. He gives her no financial or really even emotional support.
So last night we got him by phone when he was at a concert and asked him to meet us for the paperwork someday this week, he has no time, we argued and I of course ended up in tears and hung up.

Well his phone BUTT dialed me! He didn't know it was on, and he is there telling this woman he is with that I was "sobbing and crying like a baby" and that he didn't feel he had to fill stuff out. She said to him, "what your Ex (me) just now in 12th grade is saving for college, a little late" and "why does your daughter need to go to a fancy school, she should just go to a community college"... And my Ex just agreed with her, putting me down with lies about our relationship.

I listened to him put me down for about 10 minutes to this woman and LIE to her. He must have eventually figured out his phone was on, and shut it off, but I got a earful.

I have saved for this child since she was born, I wanted her badly, planned for her and she is the best thing in my life. She works like a dog on school and other things to get where she is. And all he has to do is fill out a form. NO MONEY, just fill out one form for two of the schools that will help her because he is a displaced worker.

I pay all the debt from our marriage, I took the hit on the house he wanted that was too large and sold for far less than what it was purchased for and for 17 years I supported him as he jumped from job to job barely making enough to feed himself while I worked one and two jobs to be sure we paid our bills and have a nice life.

And I hear him give stories to this woman about his being father of the year!

Nightmares all night!

All I can say is thank God for my DH, he is the most wonderful man, does everything for my DD, and gives us a warm home and lots of laughs. He held me tight all night while I cried.

-Marie




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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 10:16am
Oh marie! I am so sorry! What a bum! Is there any way that you could go through the courts to get him to sign the papers. Or call the colleges and explain that your daughter has an A$$ for a father and he won't sign the papers? Or perhaps getting him to sign by gunpoint would be a better option :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 10:39am

I am so sorry you had to hear your Ex say all of those awful stupid things. Your daughter sounds amazing and I bet it's because she has such an amazing, hard-working, supportive mom. :) (((HUG)))



 


Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 11:05am

Marie,
I am a bit of a lurker, but I have to respond. This is mine and my sister's story. My mom is exactly like you, and my "dad" exactly like hers. Don't let it bother you (easy to say!). He will get what is coming to him eventually. The last time I spoke to him, I said "(Sister) and I are great people, and you have absolutely no claim to any of it. Everything we are is due to Mom. I hope you have a nice time the rest of your life knowing that."

My mom is more sensitive than I am, and things will still bother her (I am 31 and my sister is 20, so she still has to deal with a lot in terms of her). When she gets upset, I always remind her, "You could still be married to him now. At least you had the sense to get out of it." It TRULY is an example of better late than never!



Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2009
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 11:06am

Wow Marie--- that is some story!!!

Lila
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 11:28am
What a bastard, you are lucky to be rid of him. pity the poor woman he is trying to impress with his stories of being such a great dad, he's just looking for someone else to glom on to so he doesn't have to work. She's probably a bar skank and her suggestions about higher education speak to her own deficiencies. There is nothing wrong with community college (I'm there) if there is no other choice but your daughters income will be quite a bit higher with a bachelors vs. an assoc. in science. I hope your daughter doesn't know about his attitude, that would just crush a kid to know her dad is being that way about one of the most important decisions in her life. have you considered offering to pay him for his "trouble" A 100. might just motivate him to sign and save you thousands in return. rest assured he will get what is coming to him but, when he is broke and alone and needs help your DD will probably be the one he turns to. In any event do what you have to do to get her to the school that is right for her, some things are worth more than money. My kid graduated in May and we are still paying for it (forever) but I don't regret that debt at all, it was my way of changing the family tree. Anyway, screw him he's just a loser you have someone who loves you, you know the truth, his words have no value because he has no value at least he was worthy sperm donor. You got great kid out him right?


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 11:37am

Thanks guys, I so needed that support!


This stuff is now online, so I can't take papers to him, but I could go take a computer. He told this woman how I ruined his life and divorced him, leaving him with nothing. Hello, he has almost $100k in 401ks, a job, big screen TV, no debt, leather couches, a new car,ATV, mega cash value life insurance policy and he still wanted alimony.


Basically if he does not fill it out, she is not entitled to loans or any additional scholarship money. Once again, there is no cost to him at all.


Oh, well. Again, there are those who take and those who give.


DD is off since 7AM this morning decorating the school for a dance with student council then going to my parents house for dinner and to take them to church tomorrow (both had heart attacks in the last 6 months) - not a bad kid, huh?


-Marie





Edited 2/6/2010 2:11 pm ET by skibunyns



Avatar for sohappilyme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 11:59am
I'm so sorry for that, but one thing should make you feel really good: he's your EX! You were smart enough to pitch him, and if all he has is a fist full of lies to make himself look better, then that just tells you (for the millionth time, no doubt) that you made a smart decision to move on. I know that doesn't make it hurt any less, but NOTHING he can say will take away all you've done for your daughter and for yourself! No matter what he said, all he did was prove you right ... again. Take whatever enjoyment you can from that and give your DH an extra big hug!

Photobucket









FLINGING DEBT:
Sarah
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 2:17pm

Oh man stories like this leave me steamed! I would try to maintain calm and if possible try to ignore what you heard until you get him to fill out the form you need. You do so much for your DD and you should always know that she will remember that as she gets older. At some point she will realize that her dad was the one who who sold her short.

If you can pretend you didn't hear what you heard could you call him one last time and ask? Maybe have you DD ask directly? If he has any inkling of compassion at all it will be harder for him to say no to her directly than to you.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2009
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 4:04pm

WONDERFUL GIRL!!!

Lila
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2008
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 6:30pm
I call the pos back and tell him what you heard and give him an ear full.

Norma


"Patience is the best remedy for every trouble"- Plautus


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