Scared for my marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2010
Scared for my marriage
11
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 8:21am
I got us into this mess and I don't know if my husband can forgive me. It seemed to be OK but there were a couple accounts I either didn't save on the spreadsheet or I forgot. I sent him the correction to look at while at work. I haven't slept in days...I mean, he had a lot to do with it too but I should have put the brakes on. I don't know what to do. I am truly scared....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 8:59am

Sorry you are going through this. I am not married so all I can offer is support.


I have heard from others who have "hidden" purchases that the best way to make up for it is to come up with a solid plan and stick to it.


Selling extra items on ebay, working extra hours, committing to cooking at home to reduce the grocery budget are all things that will make a difference in the long run. Maybe if DH sees you making an honest effort to correct these things, he will be more forgiving? You should probably speak to a counselor as well to get to the heart of the issue. Over spending is generally a symptom of something else.


Good luck. Use this board to vent if you need. You can get through this!


Bex -


"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift -thats why its called the present."


Bex -

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2010
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 9:07am

I didn't hide on purpose.... I can't explain it. And I have several eBay auctions going on. We primarily cook at home and all the bills get paid.....that's how this spiraled to begin with.


We've already made a lot of headway paying things off but we still have over $30K to go.


I feel horrid.


Thanks for the kind words....


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 9:14am

First of all you have to realize a change has got to be made, and it seems you are realizing that.




iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 9:24am

Did you hide to protect him?




iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 9:26am

it's ok to be scared. i have handled all the finances for us, too. i never hid any of it from dh purposely and from what i remember in your first post you didn't either. while my dh knew we had debt, he even knew we had big debt, i never said, "this has gotten out of control and we have to stop" until very recently. i did what you did, rationalized, covered what i could, and let it go.

you are doing the right thing now. you both spent into the debt and you will both have to repay it. you are working to give him the big picture and proposing solutions. give him some time with it and do your best to continue to put solutions on the table rather than blame (and that includes you, no putting blame on yourself!). solutions will get you much, much farther (and help you sleep better at night).

hopefully he will come around quickly. if he is angry- try not to fuel the fire. try to appeal to the aspects of marriage that will help you get through this quickly- you are partners. you have both been neglecting your finances (yes, ignorance is neglect). it's time to work together to make the life you want for yourselves in this partnership and that starts with repaying your debts.

it helped me to talk to my dh about our big dreams and how we cannot possibly achieve them with this debt hanging around. we want to move to a bigger house and have more children. with our current payments we won't be able to do that the way we want. seeing the picture with the CASH that we will have to save once we are out of debt, and putting an actual timeline to those goals made it urgent to us to get moving.

what long term dreams do you have that you can make a reality if you are living debt free and saving that money? that's what it's about. it's about all the things you are free to pursue once you are past the debt. hopefully if he can see the big dream at the end of the repayment tunnel he will have an easier time looking past the rest.

good luck. vent anytime, we are all here for you.

andi


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 9:43am

I recant, lol. I missed your first post. I thought you were hiding money. Sorry!


This is your fault . . . 50% worth. Guess where the other 50% lies?? Again, not married and just broke up with BF so take this for what its worth.


You took charge of the bills which was a great and challening thing to do. Budgeting is not easy. Its a skill like anything else that needs to be learned. Yes you (family you, not you personally) got into debt BUT you are up to date and current on everything, which is an accomplishment in itself.


Now here is the thing. DH didn't ask. I am guessing he is an intelligent person. Most people would wonder where the money is coming from. 25k is a significant over expenditure. Deep down he had to know it was happeneing, and he didn't ask. As much as you didn't put the brakes on, he didn't as about it.


I stand by my earlier "make a plan" statement, but you need to do it together. Sit down, go through everything (as Marie suggested) figure out where you stand and move forward.


You can do this. Come here often. Vent, post victories, cry, laugh. We are great to relieve stressed that you can't share with people IRL.


Good luck!


Bex -


"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift -thats why its called the present."


Bex -

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 2:25pm

You are not alone. Other posters here have been or are in the same situation.

You have to remember this is a process. A budget takes a long time to develop. It is too easy to forget something especially if it is not a monthly expense. And as life changes, the budget needs to change also. It is not uncommon to take a full year to have a working budget and by that time you may need to make some changes. Perhaps you paid something off or added a new expense. It is just a guideline but is supposed to help tell you where you want your money to go.

One person does not get into debt in a marriage. Two people do. Tell him you need help.

Good luck.







iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 8:52pm

My DH and I owe over $30,000 in credit card and loan debt - if you both commit to change it can happen. Everyone had amazing suggestions for steps to take:

Add up what you owe - write it on stickies and paste it around in places - your wallet, the fridge, bathroom mirror etc (I write mine like this 29543 so if anyone else sees it I just say it is my "lucky" number/lottery number etc.)

Make a budget (glad to share my spreadsheet if you'd like)
Review it every week - see how you are doing
Figure out what you can sell
Can you do anything extra for work/money?
Toss all your change in jar and add it up at the end of every month/quarter and put the money toward a bill

Glad to chat more if you'd like - good luck - we are all here for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Tue, 02-23-2010 - 10:00pm

hey there, just wondering how it's going. i hope your day ended up better than you'd thought.

:) andi.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2010
Wed, 02-24-2010 - 6:46am

Thank you all. Yesterday was better and I did get some sleep which has helped my frame of a mind a tad. I had sent him the information to look at while at work. He was not in the best mood when he got home but I think that we both need a few days where this isn't the primary topic of conversation. We know the issue and he's come up with a plan of his own. This isn't the only thing going on in the world, so we just need to get on with the fixing part.


On the upside, all this stress has led to over 10 lbs lost....


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