Oh Boy...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Oh Boy...
19
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 10:36pm

I don't know where to begin - my financial landscape is about to shift dramatically - I *think* it will be for the better in the end.

After a long arduous period of deciding my husband and I are splitting up - after 10 years - or more accurately I am splitting up with him.

I used to think that love conquered all - it is a cliche I know - to love someone but not be BE in love with them; I just need to love myself more right now (that sounds cliche too).

Compromise is a funny thing. When someone says, "compromise" I think of it as a positive thing. For most of the time we have been married I always thought the compromises were about the compromise that comes along with marriage, but at some point along the way the compromise starting coming at the expense of who I was as a person.

I want to be really clear - it wasn’t asked of me it just happened.

Then the compromise started making me question myself, about everything and that at some point started just started eroding away at the being in love part.

I have posted more of my story at my personal blog http://smoochdog.squarespace.com so I don't want to rehash it all here.

What this means financially is that we are selling out house. We will officially contact a realtor in the coming weeks. So the biggest debt I have is going to go away. We are almost certain we will be able to break even which will be a huge relief. I am hoping that we can each walk away with $5,000 in the end to help us get settled into new apartments. As scary and hard as the separation is I am most nervous about protecting my credit in all of this - I am not worried about my husband doing anything reckless but am doing all the things I need to protect myself.

I am sorry I guess I am just rambling. My debt will be less at the end of the next few months, my debt will be different, I am just trying not to freak out (on many levels).

I am going to stop now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2010
In reply to: smoochdog
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 10:46pm

((HUGS))
I've kinda been through this, except it was less than 3 years and I had a darling baby boy...He got the house, I got MY car & the baby LOL. I totally understand what you were saying about the "expense of yourself"...I remember feeling that I'd totally LOST "me", and that's a scary feeling.

I won't presume to know how you feel (and obviously haven't read the blog yet) but I know I walked away with a whole lot of relief and lil bit of fear of the unknown.
I'm sorry to hear the circumstances; it is never an easy call to end a relationship. Heck, I "broke up" with my best friend last year and that was hard LOL! But I guess you can see it as a new step in your journey of life...Hopefully one that helps with the financial aspect of things :)

We're always here to listen...

Melissa
~ Mom to 5 ~
~ Melissa ~ ‎"We need to find the courage to say NO to the things and people that are not serving us, if we want to rediscover ourselves and live our lives with authenticity." - Barbara de Angelis
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
In reply to: smoochdog
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 3:58am

That was a huge and very brave decision to make - and good for you for focusing on yourself. I went and read your blog to get a better idea of how to reply to this, and you're right. One moment at a time; keep your eye on what you need to do to get yourself sorted out and settled, and think about the relief of having one large part of your debt gone.


On a separate, more personal note, (and I know you're trying not to this, but I'll say it anyway) DON'T feel guilty or beat yourself up about this. It sounds like it's been coming for a while, so it's not out of the blue. One of you had to be the one

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
In reply to: smoochdog
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 8:04am

Hi, I usually don't post much, but I just had to say that I'm sorry you are going through this. I am going through a divorce, and it is not easy. I have not read your blog yet, but change is not always easy. I was married for 21 yrs., have four kids and didn't have a choice in this divorce (he cheated, and chose to leave to be with his girlfriend). Anyway, I also don't know your current financial situation, but I do have to tell you that my credit took a big hit from all of this. I suddenly could not get any credit, when we together were always able to get credit. My situation was probably much different than yours too, so I'm not saying it will happen to you, but I also have heard it happening to lots of other people too. I am just now really starting to watch my credit score, and make sure I don't do anything to bring it down, so I am hoping it will improve.

Take care of yourself through this!

Lori

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
In reply to: smoochdog
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 8:30am

Thank you so much to everyone for the support. I am doing everything I can to protect my credit in this. I am sure the sale of the house will do something to affect it but that is just unavoidable.


I am very luck at the moment that my husband - although devastated - is being civil and coorperative about the division of assets/debt. At the advice of a lawyer adn the credit cards (they both said this). He will be closing the two accounts he has that have my name on them and reopening them in his own name - what closing these two accounts

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2009
In reply to: smoochdog
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 10:32am

Lila
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
In reply to: smoochdog
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 6:55pm

Each person's situation is very different, I know, but I offer you my support.




iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
In reply to: smoochdog
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 8:45pm

Wow what a big decision. Congrats that it is over with and I hope every thing goes smoothly. It sounds like you are both adults and that is how you will handle everything. My parents are divorce and I am grateful for that. Hugs!


Liz

Liz

student loan paid off 2010

Bathroom remodel loan paid off 2013

Pending Car loan to be paid by the end of 2014!!!!!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
In reply to: smoochdog
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 9:32pm

Thank you everyone. The last 48 hours have been impossibly hard - needing to still live under the same roof until we sell the house is going to be quite trying. Tomorrow we sit down to do the division of assets and debt - like I said we are trying to do this ourselves and then just have a lawyer review it (rather than have a lawyer do all the paperwork for us) to try and save some money.

Know anyone who wants to buy a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house 15 minutes outside of Boston? ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-1999
In reply to: smoochdog
Sun, 03-07-2010 - 10:43am

I don't have anything to add to what everyone has already said, but I wanted to send some {{{HUGS}}...I can imagine that right now and even the next several months is not going to be easy.

Here's to finding yourself again - that's sooo important!










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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2007
In reply to: smoochdog
Sun, 03-07-2010 - 5:51pm

I'm sorry to hear that your marriage is ending, Michelle.

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