HUSBAND IN MAJOR DENIAL

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2009
HUSBAND IN MAJOR DENIAL
38
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 8:21pm

I CALL MYSELF THE ABUNDANCE OF WEALTH TO STAY AS HOPEFUL AS I CAN BE ABOUT MY SITUATION. MY FAMILY IS IN OVER 50,000 DEBT. WE ARE ON FOOD STAMPS AND MEDICAID. MY HUSBAND IS A POT SMOKER AND SELF EMPLOYED. FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS WE HAVE ONLY PAID BILLS AND NOT MADE ANY MONEY, JUST DEEPER INTO DEBT. MY HUSBANDS MOTHER IS NO HELP AT ALL TO HER SON, AS SHE PAYS OUR MORTGAGE, TAXES, OUR KIDS PRESCHOOL.

MY HUSBAND GOES TO BED LATE AND WAKES UP LATE 10-11AM. HE HAS IN OWN SCHEDULE WHICH IS BASICALLY GOING DOOR TO DOOR, AND OR PASSING OUT FLIERS FOR OUR MAILBOX BUSINESS. HE IS A GOOD MAN AND FATHER. EXCEPT FOR THE FACT HE DOES NOT WANT TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND GET A SECOND JOB. HE IS NOT A SECURE MAN WHEN IT COMES TO HIS WRITING, BECAUSE HE THINKS HE CAN NOT SPELL CORRECTLY. HE DID NOT GO TO COLLEGE BUT TOOK SOME COURSES SO HE COULD RUN HIS OWN BUSINESS. HE IS HANDY GUY EVEN THOUGH HE SAYS HE IS NOT.

WE ONLY HAVE ONE CAR FOR THE TWO KIDS TO SIT IN. MY HUSBAND HAS A WORK VAN. I AM A STAY AT MOM. I AM NOT PERFECT BECAUSE I SPEND CARELESSLY, AND DO NOT HELP WITH THE DEBT, HOWEVER A GREAT PORTION IS OUR WORK EXPENSES, FOOD, ETC.

I WANT TO TELL MY HUSBAND TO GO BE A BARTENDER. HE COULD WORK NIGHTS AND GET UP LATER IN THE MORNING. IT WOULD BE PERFECT. HE DOES NOT WANT TO SETTLE FOR MINIMUM WAGE AND AS A BARTENDER HE WOULD GET TIPS. HE IS A BIT SHY BUT AT THE SAME TIME VERY FRIENDLY AND A GREAT LISTENER. THIS MAY OR NOT BE THE BEST IDEA, BUT I AM NOT SURE WHAT ELSE TO DO. HE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO HE WAS NOT READY TO DECLARE BANKRUPTCY YET, BUT WE ARE NOT EVEN IN BIGGER DEBT. MY GRANDPARENTS PAID OF A $30,000 CREDIT CARD AND HIS MOM PAID OF A $25,000 ONE AND WE ARE STILL IN 50,000 OR MORE WORTH OF DEBT, WITH NO REAL INCOME COMING IN EVERY WEEK. MY HUSBAND IS EXTREMELY STUBBORN AND REFUSES TO GET A SECOND JOB. IF I SUGGEST THINGS OR SAY ANYTHING HE JUST GETS UPSET AND IT STARTS A HUGE FIGHT. IT IS NOT WORTH IT TO ME TO GO THERE. I NEED WAYS TO APPROACH THE BARTENDER IDEA OR SOMETHING THAT MAY WORK. I AM LOOKING FOR A WEEKEND JOB TO HELP OUT WITH SOMETHING. HELPPPPPPP!!!!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 11:32pm

Hugs. Your situation sounds very stressful.


Is there any way YOU can become a bartender? If your husband is up late and home in the morning hours (if he isn't getting up until 10 a.m. he's home) then there is opportunity for you to go out and make some changes.


You cannot make another person change. I know you came here for support and please don't take this the wrong way but your husband sounds like he needs to grow up. Your husband is doing illegal drugs. You have young children around. The two are not a smart combination.


If you aren't paying your mortgage, etc. then what income DO you have to work with? What are your long term goals? These are things you need to sit down and discuss with your husband. You two are a team and need to make these decisions together. (you don't have to answer my questions here obviously - just wanted to give you something to think about.)


Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2009
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 6:52am
I strongly agree with your advice. However I have tried it in the past many times and I am not sure what I am doing wrong but it never seems to help.When I ask him to talk about it, he gets all tense and defensive and starts throwing things back in my face. (like a child) All I ever get is, he does not have any clue what our future holds, he just lives day to day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2008
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 7:22am

Chiming in to second Beeps very good advice, and to ask if you have looked into what your own options are as far as working outside the home in the evenings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2009
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 7:48am
I have thought about filling in the gaps, at the end of the day after being with the kids, I am kind of tired. So I am looking for a weekend job. He does not even seem to want me to do that and then he will be stuck. But I am trying to figure out something.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 8:54am

I agree with the PP's. I think you need to lead by example on this one. You mentioned that your MIL pays for your kids preschool. Are they both in preschool? Do you have time during the day that you could pick up some kind of job? Even if its something basic like cleaning homes, walking dogs, anything to get more money into the house.


My BF was a little like your


Bex -

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 9:14am

I understand you are tired. I've been there. I've done the over night shift, I've done done a straight out with kids from 7 am until midnight.

When my son was small I was caring for him all day and working the 11pm to 4am shift loading trucks at UPS.

More recently I worked full days taking care of other peoples kids all day (I do home daycare), still took care of the house and our son's needs and cooked dinner before leaving for my night shift at the bookstore. Daycare was from 7 am to 5:30pm and book store shift was 6pm to 11:00. Got home around 11:30 pm. I also worked weekends at the bookstore.

It was not ideal. Yes I was dog tired. Yes it took time away from my family, but it was worth it. I keep the family going, got us out of consumer debt (we still have a mortgage) and would do it again in a heart beat.

The bookstore laid off folks in early September so now I'm down to one daycare kid (lost one family when the mom decided to stay home with her kids) and no second job. Dh is looking for some contract work to do outside of his regular 40 hour per week job and wants me to wait before looking for a night job again. He can make far more money with less hours if he can find a contract.

Our goal for the extra money from either a contract or second job is to enjoy life a little and pay down our mortgage faster.

I don't like that we have to work this hard. But I know that someday we will look back at it all and be able to say that it was all worth it.

stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 9:14am

I have two kids - ages 6 and 2 1/2. I work a retail inventory job that often starts at 9 p.m. and doesn't end until 2 a.m. By the time I get home, actually FALL asleep and such its often not until 3 a.m. My kids are generally up about 7:30. I don't do this every night but I do do it a few nights a week.


Am I tired? Yes. Do my kids nap? No. Do I need $$ for my family to survive - yes.


Sometimes as much as it stinks you gotta push YOURSELF through those hurdles where you feel its impossible.


You can do this. Will you be tired along the way - sure you will. But it will be worth it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2008
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 10:07am

The PPs all have good thoughts on this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2009
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 10:24am

Some tough love would seem to be in order here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2009
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 11:35am
I hear yah, but I have a 2 yr old that is still at home and not in preschool yet. I guess I asked for the truth but it is really hard to hear. I just do not feel it should be my totally responsibility to get the week day job. I feel working on the weekends is what I can do right now. I just wish someone has the magic answers to tell me what to do with my husband who is just so in denial and is sooooooo hard to talk to about this stuff.

Pages