New here and at a loss

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
New here and at a loss
17
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 1:14am

Hi.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 2:44am

HUGS! You are not alone.

You are not going to want to put the blame on him. It will bite you in the end. You both caused the debt together. You have to be strong and mature at times like these in a marriage. Keep in mind that you are partners. You got this way together and you will handle this the best you can together. The smartest of people can fall into this very same habit. Get educated together, put a plan together and approach it with a positive attitude as you have to set an example for your kids. Remember your DH was just trying to provide a comfortable life for you. I had a father who never providing any toys, didn't work, and did not provide for me and my mother. Believe me, your DH sounds like he just didn't want you guys to go with out.

I would suggest a book "The Millionaire Next Door" for both of you to read. It will take the pressure of "earn to spend" right off of you through case studies. Also, it will prove to you that 'keeping up with the jones'" is a bad trap, as the Jones' are in debt up to their eyeballs. It will make living beneath your means a smart choice as rich people live beneath their means and take the shame out of not having the best, trendiest stuff.

I think it is sooooooooo difficult staying out of debt when you have kids. It's soooo easy to overspend on them! Hugs honey, you are not the only one.

For immediate relief you can post all of your monthly bills right here. Then list your incomes. People here can help with modifying you bills possibly finding ways to save.

The best way to get husband un-stuck is to lead by example and not blaming him thus he won't want to avoid talking to you about the debts. Be partners, be friends as much as you can muster till things actually lighten up. Don't put him in charge of the finances, then condemn him when things get out of hand. Don't take over the finances to punish him, instead get involved and get the budget going together so you both are in control and can help heal together.

I'm sorry you are all suffering, you are not alone and I have come here when I've hit rock bottom myself. Don't feel ashamed, glad you are here.

Welcome Aboard!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2005
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 12:57pm
Welcome.
Wedding
Avatar for colomom99
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 2:34pm

Another hug from me. You are so not alone. There are parts of your story that are just like us. I have to admit I drink more than I ever have in my life and I think it is to just numb out a little.

There is a wonderful essay that ran in a magazine last year that I have saved about what financial strain does to a marriage. I will post the link. It talks all about finger pointing and fear and trying to keep your head afloat and holding onto a lifestyle that no longer fits your income.

http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/family/marriage-sex/recession-proof-marriage?kw=ist.

Hang in there. For some people (me) you kind of have to hit bottom and be without options before you really, truly decide you will dig yourself out.

Jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 4:08pm

HUGGGGSSS and like one of the posters said, you got in this together and will get out of it together.
DO NOT use a debt consolidations company. Read some of the posts here, many are nightmares with what these companies promised and did NOT do. It can cause more of a mess.

First sit down with your DH and list all monthly expenses and debts, then compare to income. Just get things in black and white to start to create a plan, it will help you both mentally.

Next start with your four walls, cover your medications, food, clothing and housing costs FIRST - do not leave food to last, put in a reasonable food budget - you could probably eek by at $400-500 a month for the family of your size.

Then, get the credit cards out of wallets and lock them up or better yet, cut them up, they are not emergency cards - they create emergencies.

Now call all those CC companies and ask for their hardship departments. They will go over your monthly expenses (use highest utility bills, when asked, as well as think of all expenses, but you would have those written down already.) They WILL and are FORCED to help you with a payment plan. I got Bank of America to lower my interest from 24.99 to 9.99 and my payment from over $400 to $250 a month. NO fees or anything paid to debt consolidation companies, I called, had my facts and asked for help. I am paying them, with interest, so they are happy.

Lastly go get the book Total Money Makeover at the library. It is about people in your situation and HOW to get out of it.

Still need help, email me at marketingvirgo at yahoo dot com and I can help you and DH with a spending plan you can live with.

One of the luxury items you do participate in together is the fact that you do not work full time to contribute to more income. You have to realize this is a luxury today (especially in the eyes of some of us that work 2 jobs!) So what that means is you need to do all you can as a SAHM to cut expenses on the homefront and bring home money wherever you can.

There are SAHMs on this board selling on Ebay, baking and selling cakes, wathcing other people's children, etc. Just think about what you can do and share to be able to temporarily bring in something to help your DH get some of this debt down.

HUGGSSS, we are here with you. Please go to your DH, hug him and tell him you are with him in this and sit together to make a plan to get out of it.

-Marie




iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 5:44pm

gal_audrey:


Thank you for your support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 5:47pm

jennordhavn:


Thanks for the welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 5:53pm

Jenny:


Thank you for the link to the article.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 6:07pm

Thank you for your response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2008
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 9:45pm

Eating out once a week is probably too much right now. I know today I made a phenomenal gourmet omelette for DH for breakfast, and tonight I made a salad with avocado, strawberries, feta and nuts that was something I never thought I could do. Oh,and the split pea soup turned out great.

DH and I are making a challenge of menu planning and learning to be better cooks. Yesterday he made me potato cheese soup with beer (used a bottle of beer he didn't like, but it worked for the soup.) Today he asked me if I put up the menu for the week on the fridge yet.

I am even putting up some things the kids can make on the day I teach, so they can improve their cooking skills as well.

You kids are young, how about an evening of games (DH and DS played video games for a couple hours tonight) and let them make their own pizzas. You will have more fun than going out.

We don't even want to go out anymore.

-Marie




iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2008
Mon, 01-18-2010 - 8:49am

Hi and Welcome.

Norma


"Patience is the best remedy for every trouble"- Plautus


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