Don't think i'm a bad person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Don't think i'm a bad person.
8
Wed, 04-09-2003 - 2:39pm
Lately when i look at my son i feel nothing but resentment. I love him very much and i couldn't imagine life without him, but lately i've just been wishing he'd go away, for a month or so. He's 4 and i'm single 24 and still living with my mother. He's done nothing to deserve this. the worst part about the whole thing is he's starting to want some independence which means he doesn't listen to me as well as he used to which is driving me up the wall. I don't hit or yell or anything, but he spends to much time in his room. Which he resents so he trashes it which starts the whole thing over again. He a great kid and he really does listen most of the time and he says please and thanks you and excuse me he chews with his mouth closed and covers his mouth when he sneezes he even puts his own dishes in the diswasher goes on the potty, doesn't wet the bed (mostly) and cleans up his own toys. But he has started acting out in public. Mybe becuase he kows something is up with me? or maybe that just becuase that's what 4 year olds do? Maybe the resentment stems from where i was supposed to be, (a marine) instead i got myself pregnant by a loser and ended up where i am now. Or maybe its becuase i have to say no to my friends more than yes or i can't date whenever i want to or i had to give up the job i desperately wanted. I don't know. I can't afford therapy and no i have coverage on my insurance for it so i need alternative mehtods to help myself. Maybe someone has some insight?
Avatar for katlynn_tay
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-09-2003 - 11:31pm
No, we don't think you're a bad person. ((((HUGS)))) Honey, honestly, I bet every last one of us (who actually have kids, the ones who are prego w/ #1 are unlikely to understand) has wished at some point that we could just have some time away from the kids, more than just one night. Unfortunately, it looks like you're in a position of very little options. Without a DH/BF/SO you're harder pressed for somebody to relieve you for some time off. But you said you live with your mom. Would it be possible to leave your son with her for a couple of nights and YOU get away. (Road trip with your girlfriends for a day or two maybe???) I think, at 4 years old, your son is quite old enough to stay with grandma for a couple of days while you go do something like a single girl again. (OK, I know you ARE single, kid or not, but you know what I mean.) If your mom's able (physically and mentally) to handle it, I don't see any reason why you can't escape for a couple of days. It won't make your problems go away, but it may give you a new perspective and a breath of fresh air.

As for the 4 and trying your patience thing, YEP, that's COMPLETELY normal!!! LOL My daughter's on the rather spirited side (meaning she's NOT easy-going, go with the flow, rolls with the punches) and from the age of 3 to the age of 5 had to push EVERY SINGLE BUTTON (personal buttons) at LEAST a hundred times. I had a nervous breakdown almost 2 years ago when she decided she wanted her hair cut, and we'd talked about it for months, and we went in and had her bangs cut, and she wanted a REAL hair cut, and we waited around a waiting room for 2 hours for her turn (super cuts type place) and when it was HER turn, she threw a tantrum right there in the salon and REFUSED to get her hair cut. I put her down (just about dropped her) and walked out crying. DH waited with DD 2 more hours (they bumped her down the list considerably) to get her hair cut while I sat outside crying. I didn't stop crying for 3 days. Even WITH a DH, and in-laws and my parents in the area to take the load of sometimes, I still feel like a loser of a mom quite often. It comes with the territory, I think. (And, frequently, family close by has made matters WORSE rather than easier.)

Anyway, that's all besides the point. The point is, you're doing a GREAT job!!!! You need a break, and that's ok. And if you can at ALL swing it, I would recommend leaving your son with your mom for a weekend (a LONG weekend?!?!) and going on a road trip, or visiting a B&B all by yourself. Something YOU do for yourself to unwind WITHOUT thinking about your son (Ok, without thinking about him every 2 minutes *wink*). Good luck, and let us know how it's going. --Kati

Avatar for sorrowraven
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 9:21am
I don't think you are a bad person every mom has felt like that at one time or another whehter she admits it or not. If it gets out of control you could possiblely be depressed and may want to seek help.

Avatar for samsara00
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 04-12-2003 - 10:13pm
Don't feel bad! I love my son dearly and he's the best this life has given me but I have my moments, too. I'm a geology major and I've had to put school plans on hold and try any number of things (from work with no school to over loading at school to work with school). I do have a DH (although I did spend some time living with my mom when he went to prison for a DUI, etc). Sometimes I get down and kick myself repeatedly for not doing things in the "right" order. Like, not getting pregnant (right after transferring to the university) while living in my first apartment to my first serious "boyfriend". I think maybe my father would still talk to me and want me around or maybe I could've given Alex a better life...but then I understand...I might never have had him and he might not be that same little person I love if it weren't for those circumstances that weren't quite perfect. So, that's what I think of to try and turn myself around in my mood. It really makes me see that I wouldn't trade one of the hardships we've faced for my little sweetheart.

I think maybe trying to schedule a night out for yourself and/or finding some kind of support group for parents (single and otherwise) might be a great place to start.

Don't feel bad at all though!! Your feelings are totally normal (and they happen to people who are single, married, young, old, rich or poor...although you have a lot fewer outlets for your feelings because of your situation which makes it harder).

http://www.nami.org/cfapps/Affiliate_Finder/affiliate_finder.cfm

(don't be intimidated by the name NAMI...they have support groups for just about everything and you really don't have to be "mentally ill"...I know about it because I'm a long time sufferer of major depressive disorder--for the record)

Good luck!

Take care,

Charly

Vi
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Wed, 04-16-2003 - 9:19pm
thank-you all for the advice. My mom is capable of watching my son but has been doing it for 4 years. (Since his father left him when he was 6 months. I left his father his father left him.) and she is absoutly sick of it. I can go out if he's sleeping and she will call me if he wakes up and i have to come home to put him back to bed. She can't climb stairs and his room is upstairs. what is a DH? a husband? I have been dating a guy for 4 months, and we are slowly reaching the point where we can talk about really deep matters, but i'm real slow with it. Having been burned so many times. He's a really great guy. I also have started enlisting my friends to really talk to me. They can't believe what i've been trying to deal with myself and yelled at me for not letting on earlier. I never realized just what great friends i have. It also helps that 2 of them are recent moms (1 has a 1 year old and the other a 2 month old) so they are more understanding now then before. I only have one other single friend and we can't afford to go anywhere for a weekend. But i did let on to my boyfriend that i need to get away so he took me to a bed and breakfast last Saturday. It was really nice..it just wasn't long enough and my mother called me at 8am sunday to inform me that my child was awake and i need to be home. I feel like if i could get out of my moms house everything would be better. but my friends think i am fooling myself since i will have noone with me to help watch my son while i do school work or house work or work period. Oh I also run a buisness and attend online college. Maybe i am just doing to much. I don't beleive i am depressed and i refuse to take any medication. I have been depressed before and it was nothing like this. I had the terrible pre and post partum depression that lasted a year and a half after i had my son. to this day i don't know what snapped me out of it. thanks for that website charly i'm gonna check it out. I do everything else online anyway why not this lol.

Jenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Thu, 04-17-2003 - 3:34pm
I think you should do everything you can to follow your dream to be a Marine. I know it will be very hard, but hopefully your mom is willing to help you out all that you need. You will be happy and feel better about yourself as a parent for taking care of yourself. Maybe your son senses your feelings in a subconscious sort of way, and if you are happy with yourself and your life, he will see that and be proud of you and act happier. This is a long hard process, but will be worth it, I guarantee it. Nothing you do to better yourself can ever go too wrong, even if you end up with a different result than what you set out for. I hope this helps-Hang in there!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 12:35pm
Being a Marine would be wonderful. However i would have to give up custody of my son to eaither his father or my mother. And his father is unfit and my mother says she's the grandma not the mom. I was talking to a marine recruiter when i got pregnant. So i beleive that i was never meant to be one or i would never have gotten pregnant.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 1:18am
Don't feel bad for thinking that way. I'm sure everyone does. I've been going crazy latley with my daughter. She's not even 2 yet. I'm 19 and I live with my fiance (her father) but he works midnights so I am with her all day and when she gets up at night. He has to sleep when he gets home at 10 a.m. and then back to work at 11 p.m. You sound like you need a few days by yourself or with your friends. No one would look at you as being a bad person. Then when you come back you will see that you just needed a break and everything will be back to normal. I'm leaving in two weeks for the weekend with my friend and my soon to be mother in law for a trip. ANd I need it very much and I know once I get back everything will be fine and I'll feel much closer to my dughter. Good luck to you and your son and I'm sure you doing a wonderful job raising him. :)

Jamie

Avatar for lexislani
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2003
Sat, 04-26-2003 - 2:26pm
Hi,

I'm new here and just saw your message while I was browing through the board. I think all of us can commiserate with how you are feeling! I'm a "temporarily" single mom while my husband is traveling for 5+ months this year, and I have the greatest respect for moms like you who are doing this full-time.

It sounds like your boyfriend and friends are coing through with great support for you. There is an organization who matches single moms as room-mates so thay can share childcare and rent. Check it out: http://co-abode.com/ It might help you get some space from your mom- it sounds like she's as burned out as you are, and might be able to help more if she took a break too.

Also, if you are interested in talking to a counselor, try calling your local YMCA. Most metropolitan YMCA's employ professional counselors, and they offer financial aid for everything.

Best of luck to you.

Alexis