Did you parents approve...?

Avatar for nora_adamsmom
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Registered: 03-29-2003
Did you parents approve...?
11
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 4:29pm

(the recent posts from calmama & Janet made me think of this)

Did your parents approve or disapprove of your "chosen partner for life"?Did it affect your relationship-at the beginning or later on?Were they right? OR...?

Back in a bit to tell my tale...

Nora

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Avatar for nora_adamsmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 8:19pm

My parents disliked Mike intensely-I suspect he was too old/too serious for their oldest dd.(he is 3 years older than me-not a big deal now-but when I was only turning 18 & he was 21-big difference.)In fact, when he asked their permission to marry me-they said NO-I was so embarrassed! But eventually, as I got closer to graduation(their fear was that I wouldn't complete my training)-they got to like him more, partly because I was maturing & partly because they realized he was encouraging me to finish it.My father also worried that Mike was not in the military...never mind that he had much more education than Dad did-Dad was convinced we'd end up in the poor house when Mike didn't have a job!

His parents strongly disliked me-to the point where they did not attend our wedding!Their loss-although their only son really was hurt by that decision.

And how did it work out-well, next week will be 38 years since that wedding day, so I guess my in-laws were wrong...I am the person who is "good enough" for their son!

Waiting to hear how your relationship appeared to your family-whether they approved or not, whether ir mattered to you or not.

Nora

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 9:18pm
Nora, how did your relationship with your in-laws turn out? Did they eventually embrace you or always remain stand-offish? I'm trying to remember if you have talked about them...
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 9:36pm

Ummm, I don't know. If they had an opinion at first, they were discreet enough to keep it to themselves! Remember, Enrique and I married for immigration purposes, there wasn't a courtship and we didn't know if it would last past his getting the green card so nobody in my family had met him prior to the marriage. My parents learned about it some 3 months later "fait accompli". I suppose they were a bit curious and skeptical at first. I was traveling with them on their sailboat for a few months, about every 10 days we had a "mail drop" where somebody was forwarding my parents' mail or any mail that we had directed there. Pretty much every time there was one or more letters from Enrique waiting for me and that impressed them. In one of the mail packets was a card with a baby picture of him. At that time my grandmother was with us, she was quite the matriarch of the family, and she pronounced him "an adorable baby" so he was pretty much accepted LOL. About a year later we had a "reception" for our family and friends and that is when my parents met him and his family. My grandmother and aunts had met him the preceeding Thanksgiving and I'm sure they gave him a glowing recommendation so my parents were prepared to like him. After that they always liked him, and they also got along very well with his parents. My grandmother scored big with my MIL because at the "rehearsal dinner", Grammie looked around the table (which included E's parents and sisters) and asked where was his mother? When MIL identified herself Grammie said "but I thought you were one of the sisters"! She was serious and MIL was very flattered!

What a long way to say that I probably don't qualify to answer that question!!

Avatar for nora_adamsmom
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Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 10:27pm

Oh Elspeth-I think you did answer the question very well!

As for my in-laws...well sometimes it was ok, other times it was not.My father-in-law thought I was too independent-neither his wife nor his dd learned to drive, & I not only did drive, but I expected to have my own car.My MIL envied me-told me so-for having a job & independence-& yet, I think I baffled her & angered her.She got angry when I had a 3rd baby-was livid when we went into long-term fostering (twice)because she felt I was burdening her son!When we lived in the same town-she wanted to be more involved with our children-but "he" wouldn't allow it, so she backed off again.(we moved from there when our kids were 7, 5 & 4...& they took years to forgive us that, never mind the choice was to move or Mike to go on unemployment!)I suspect that on her own, my MIL would have come to the wedding-but FIL said no, so she didn't.I cannot imagine that at all!

My MIL died before meeting Adam-my FIL met him & hated him(Adam was sicker than he was-the man had hypochondria to an art!).My FIL was in the Air Force too-& was a higher rank than my father-so he felt he was better than Dad...not to mention he was from Belfast Ireland & my grandfather was from England-& that did it for me! I was the child of a low ranking Englishman!Horrors! (LOL)

I talk to Mike's sister occasionally-but we live very different lives.It is interesting to note that her parents also did not attend her wedding-although in that case-they were right-her XH was a jerk! Jane was better at being dependant than I was-she'd phone(long distance) to cry about her children's illnesses or injuries-& that made them feel needed. The one time I did call-to tell them that their son had a very badly broken leg-they hung up on me, they refused to hear it.So I coped-which made them madder!

So the relationship was up & down-& often I angered & confused them, other times they were ok with me.They liked our oldest dd very much-she looks like her father.The other 2 do not-in fact Karen is blonde & that infuriated my FIL, I am not sure where he thought I had time to have an affair to produce this child-but he refused to accept her as Mike's child!(My MIL was fascinated by the blonde blue eyed gd).He liked our son-he thinks like Mike (analytical)but our "Irish" dd was his pet!Ironically-Karen had more of Mike's personality than any of them!

So I guess the short answer (& I don't do short answers-as you see!)is NO, it didn't really improve on the long term.It would for awhile-but then they would learn I did something outlandish (like go away for a weekend & leave Mike with the kids, or get a new car or job)& the relationship would go "flush" once more!But after we moved that one time-we never lived in the same town again, so it was easier.I liked my MIL-felt sorry for her-& I loved to push my FIL's buttons!

Nora

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 1:04pm

About a month before my wedding, my parents flew my younger brother and me back to the mid-West to visit some relatives for a "last chance" to consider the big step I was taking.

Avatar for shirley_v
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Registered: 04-29-2000
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 10:27pm

I think/know my parents liked Ray pretty much after first meeting him. He never showed any behaviour that they could find unlikeable. And it stayed that way for all the time we have been together. We dated for four years and have been married for 31 years. My mother seemed to be particularly concerned that we be married in good time and she once looked at Ray over the dinner table and said "So when are you two gonna get married?" in a somewhat jokingly chiding manner...though I know she was seriously wanting to know that we'd tie the knot! That happened well into our third year together, I'm pretty sure, and my mother was getting eager to see us married and somewhere by the time he and I graduated from university. Ray graduated before me and I followed by making up some courses over the summer of that year and we married in the fall of that year after I completed them.

I didn't have a string of boyfriends in my life prior to Ray. But one boyfriend (of brief duration) was a Chinese Guyanese I met in my first year of university. The fact that he was Chinese did not go over well with my parents, I have to admit! I don't think they ever would have expected me to go out with anyone but a white person! So I don't remember them being very friendly when he came to visit. And my mother was usually quite friendly in her demeanour, so you knew something wasn't sitting well with her when she didn't smile much or make much conversation when he came over! Anyway we weren't very compatible a couple in that we seemed to argue more than not about things and I wasn't exactly having a good time, so I had to painfully (for him, that is) end the relationship between us.

Ray's parents were always very nice to me during the first while I came to their home and had dinners there. I was pretty shy and I can't say that I chummed up really well with his mother - but I suspect she was shy too, though we have grown closer over the years. But Ray's parents and I have always gotten along and they have always been respectful of not butting in to our lives in ways we wouldn't have liked.

And that is my story!
Shirley

Avatar for susiegail
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 6:12pm
Well, this is a somewhat weird chain of events, but here's what happened. Back in 1970, having a tremendous crusader streak in me, out to make the world a better place, I entered the convent and stayed in the community until the spring of 1978. I was then stationed at a school in southern California where I had become friendly (platonically speaking) with the pastor of the parish. When I told him I had decided to leave the convent and move back to San Francisco, he told me that his mother, whom I had met once, lived there and asked me to call her when I was settled. I did, and she invited me to come to dinner. She was a lovely Irish lady in her early 70's and we had a nice evening. A couple of weeks later, she called and invited me to dinner again. Hmmmmmm, I thought, but decided to go. That evening I was introduced to her widowed sister and her son Michael, whom she casually mentioned was single. He was nice, I was nice, the evening was nice...and then he asked me to drive him home. I agreed, and on the way to his place, he asked me what I was doing the following Wednesday. I said I would be at work, and he asked me if I could get off early. I said I guessed I could, but why? and he said that he was running a soup kitchen and he was short of help on Wednesday and would I like to volunteer? Hey, I thought, what the heck, and I said sure. At the end of that first day, he asked me to have dinner with him. I had no clue as to his age (ahem, obviously this is important)because all I saw was this gorgeous 6 foot tall Irishman with black curly hair, green eyes, a killer smile and an excruciatingly funny sense of humor. I started going out with him, even though being fresh out of the convent I certainly hadn't expected to pick up a boyfriend one month out. After a couple of weeks, when we were amazed to discover how much we had in common and how much we really enjoyed being together, he mentioned that he had graduated from University in 1957. OMG, I thought, did a little quick arithmetic and realized that he got his BS when I was in the second grade. Oooooops...this guy was 16 years older than I? Oh, oh! However, I quickly decided that it made no difference to me, but on the off chance that it mattered to him, I told him my age, and, clearly, it didn't matter to him either. Since I wasn't living near my parents, we had pretty much made up our minds that this was serious before they ever met him. Near Christmas 1978, I took him "home" to meet the folks. He met my dad first, and I figured this would not be a problem because at the time, my dad's second wife was 30 and Dad was 55. They got along great and it was never a problem. My dad loved and respected Michael from day one to the day Dad died. Then I took him over to meet "crazy" Mom, whom I had already warned him about, and my step-dad. Step-dad took to Michael right away and Mom never liked anybody I liked, male or female, so I pretty much took a "shine-her-on" attitude, ignoring her ridiculous remarks. She kept warning me that "you're marrying an old man and you'll end up taking care of him." It particularly made her nuts that he ran a soup kitchen. I told her that he had an advanced degree in physics/math, and that he was only running the soup kitchen because he was single and had a strong commitment to social justice issues, no one was being hurt by his lack of a high powered career, get over it, Mother, etc. Actually, as soon as we were married, he gave up the soup kitchen and went to work as a securities analyst for the Federal Reserve...eat your heart out, Mother. As to "taking care of him", in our 28+ year marriage, the only time I have "taken care" of him was a year ago April, when he fractured his ankle and had to be completely off of it for six weeks. In this same time, I have had seven major surgeries and also suffer from two chronic pain conditions...so who's taking care of whom? Anyway, I have no one left in my family,now, and I am eternally grateful that Michael's mother has treated me totally like the daughter she never had all these years and I am the best of friends with his brother the priest, and I feel very lucky that I have been so blessed. Wow, Nora, guess you got more than you bargained for in this answer - LOL!
Sue

 

Avatar for nora_adamsmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 7:21pm

Nope-I got exactly what I was hoping for SusieG...I like to hear the stories of how people met & get an idea of where they are coming from!

Another Irishman, tall, dark haired & named Michael, eh?(except my Mike's eyes are gray, not green)!

INteresting history, I feel kind of boring while reading your story!

Thank you for sharing with us...Nora

Avatar for susiegail
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 7:57pm
Actually, Nora, I'm not sure what got into me...it must be the women on this board, because I usually just say Michael and I met through his brother, which is totally true. Everyone here seems so "real" and so supportive, I guess the truth and nothing but the truth seemed like the right idea - glad you found one of those cute 6', dark-haired Irishmen and I'm glad I found this board.
Sue

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2001
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 9:07pm

My first Husband Angie's Dad Oh My I don't think my Dad seen him over twenty times I was living on my own I was 24 when I meet him.... My Dad only said he would give it 6 months...It lasted 1 year and six months after that we were divorced... My Mom lived with Me when I met him so I came with baggage My Mom tried very hard but, she didn't like him from day one and she was so happy when I told her I was leaving him and getting a divorce.... It was hard on her to hear his mouth and she tried to stay out of it! Poor MoM... My dad was died a few days after my divorce was finale .... My Mom died two years later...

They never met Danyell's Dad Or Bill... I think my Mom would have liked Bill But, my Dad wouldn't have gotten past the fact that Bill had a Harley and a leather coat in my Dad's eyes Bill would have been a Hell's Angel ....lol No! ......Linda

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