sad phone call

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
sad phone call
3
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 9:26pm

One of my good friends (who has been TTC) just called and after the usual talk about work and things she said she wanted to share something with me that she hadn't told many people yet. I got all excited and almost blurted out - "You're pregnant!" Thank God I didn't!

She went on to confide in me that she just had another m/c (she had a m/c in Jan at 13wks). She would have been about 9wks when she had a D/C this Monday. I tried to be supportive but the whole time I was freaking out realizing that she was just about a week ahead of me. I'm afraid I wasn't very supportive or reacted well. I told her I was so sorry but was afraid to say more because I didn't want to say something inappropriate and nearly started crying (I certainly didn't tell her I was PG!).

Does anyone who has been there have any advice of what supportive things I can say the next time I talk to her? Also, since I'm due right around when she would have been due does anyone have any ideas on how/when I should share my news with her?

- Sandy (44) DS (natural) born just before my 41st birthday. TTC#2. Only issue: egg/embryo quality due to age. Clomid & multiple IUIs w/follistim &menopur = BFN. IVF#1 (Nov 2011) = 12 eggs, 9 mature & fertilized. Transferred 3 embryos (1-3BB, 2-3
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
In reply to: catchingup
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 5:33pm

It think it was wise of you to offer your condolences. That's the best thing you can do. The best thing to say (and hear), I think, is a simple, "I'm very sorry for your loss. Please let me know if there's anything at all I can do to help." Then leave it to your friend to tell you if she needs you to babysit for a couple hours or get her some soup or help her with a doctor's appointment etc. She may just need to have a sympathetic ear to talk to.

After my miscarriages, my friends/neighbors/family gave me plenty of space and it felt nice not being overwhelmed. Some sent me really nice handwritten notes and cards, others sent flowers and gift baskets with food in them. It really touched me that people were so considerate. If you are so inclined, you may want to send your friend a bouquet of flowers. It'll show her that you care and that her loss meant something to you. Miscarriages are often swept under the rug and the woman is told, "It was for the best. The baby was too sick to survive bla bla bla." While all that may be true, it still isn't easy for your heart to deal with that loss.

The people I couldn't stand are the ones who dismissed my miscarriage by brushing me off the phone, the ones who said "you can always have more babies" (um, no, apparently not!), or (I loved this one), "Just smile!" (Who the hell says that to someone who has just miscarried?) I would rather they have said nothing.

Anyhow, so I think you did good.

As for your pregnancy...I think you're wise to keep that info to yourself for now. Your friend will be very happy for you after she's had some time to grieve for her own loss.

Lois

  

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
In reply to: catchingup
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 11:00am
I sympathize with her and you. I had a mc 2yrs ago and I can relate. I can't tell you what to say but I can tell you what not to say.
Things like... "I know what you are feeling" if you have never had a mc not good to say.
"Things happen for a reason" not good to say.
"God has a way of taking care of things" Not good.
"Your body has a way of doing what it needs to" implies that something was wrong with the pregnancy and her body failed her/or that she failed to keep the pregnancy.
I know that these seem pretty stupid for me to even list, but when people don't know what to say sometimes they mean well and spill things that hurt.
She may need a friend just to sit with and not say anything, just listen. Let her talk, cry, be angry etc.
I wouldn't say anything about you being pg, give her some time.
I wish you all the best and know that if this is your good friend you will know what to do and say, trust in your friendship and in a while she will be happy for you and your baby.
BBTY
Brenda
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2007
In reply to: catchingup
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 8:33am

that is a hard question, I too dont know what to say,

just be supportive and listen, offer a hug if possible, and its ok to cry with her.

As for you being pregnant some times its hard to not feel guilty when someone loses their baby and you are still pregnant. Some times I feel guilty because I didnt have any trouble getting pregnant even using a condom and then I read about how woman have been trying for years and when they do get pregnant they end up losing the baby.

not that long ago, I was in a situation, one of my husbands co-workers young wife was pregnant and she lost the baby, and here we are at a dinner/fundraiser and my belly sticking out, being older then dirt. I opted for not saying anything, it was easier.

I would wait a little while before sharing the news about your baby, until she has come to terms with her MC.

I had one MC, but (this may be cold) I believe that most MC's happen because there was something wrong with fetus, and that if carried to term would not have survived out of the mother. I know MC's are a horrible experience, but I feel delivering a baby and having it die is much harder to handle.