Need Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2007
Need Advice
9
Mon, 09-24-2007 - 12:41pm

OK, This sort of goes with my having a new baby but really is about my current children.

Ok, I have 4 kids and my husband has 2 children

together we are having a baby. My family always remembers his children's birthdays, if we have a combined birthday party, they bring both children a card. and if we have a party for just his child they bring a card.

But this isn't the case when it comes to my husbands sister and now his brother and sister in-law are doing the same thing. we recently have a 16 and 18 y/o birthday party for my son and his daughter combined. his sister mailed his daughter a card but not my son and I just found out that his brother and sister in-law who was supposed to show up for the party and didnt, did the same thing. I'm pissed off about this think they are rude! 5 bucks in a card isnt too much to ask.

Now I am having a baby that will be blood related to them and I personally want to send anything they may give this child back with a short note saying that if my other children are not important enough to be recognized as family then this one isn't family either...

Anyone have any advice on this? Or suggestions on how I should handle this?

Dyan




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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
In reply to: dyan_2007
Mon, 09-24-2007 - 5:36pm

Ugh - what jerks. My first thought would be to have DH talk to them - they are his family, after all. He could always say something like "we consider all of our children to be both mine and Dyan's, and I would appreciate you acknowledging all of them - or none of them." If he has already tried talking to them about it, I'm not sure what I would do next... Situations with IL's are so difficult - I usually just take the "retain a friendly distance" approach with my problem SIL, just for the sake of family harmony.

Wish I had better advice for you - I hope your DH, or even other related in-laws (if you're close to any) can help diffuse the situation.

Hugs,
Kitty

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Sister Siggy Fall 08
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
In reply to: dyan_2007
Mon, 09-24-2007 - 5:52pm

Dyan,

Your in laws are rude, but perhaps it's just because they don't realize they're being idiots. Were they aware that the party was for both children? They probably know their niece and nephew's birthdates but perhaps don't know your children's special days yet? I'm just giving them the benefit of the doubt. Whether they deserve it or not is another thing.

Could you or your husband politely tell them that your children are so happy to have new aunts and uncles (them) and that when there are family parties, you'd prefer that the children were treated equally so that they don't feel slighted? And then leave it at that. If they still continue to acknowledge your DH's children and not yours, there's really not much you can do to force them to change their minds. Personally, I think it's rude going to anyone's birthday party without bringing a gift--regardless of whether they're family or not.

I would also talk to your children and let them know that you and your husband love them and that every family has different dynamics--and they shouldn't be hurt that they didn't receive a present from their new aunt or uncle.

And finally -- When your kids receive gifts, I hope you encourage them to call or write the gift giver to thank them for the present. That goes a long way in making people WANT to give them more gifts in the future. I know that it annoys me to no end when I send a friend's child a graduation gift and I never receive acknowledgement that they received it in the mail!

  

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2007
In reply to: dyan_2007
Mon, 09-24-2007 - 7:13pm

I do take the "OH well" approach to his family, I dont want to alienate the family who do come to the parties and treat my child like family.. it just suck because I didn't do anything to them...They are just not nice... and every party we have, we still invite them and every time.. its the same thing.

I do let hubby take care of it, I am afraid to say anything, so I tell him how I feel and he takes care of it.

Thanks for the reply...

Dyan




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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2007
In reply to: dyan_2007
Mon, 09-24-2007 - 7:22pm

NO, you dont have to give them the benefit of the doubt...

the invitation was written like this

Its a party,

Kath turns 18
(she is finally an adult but we will still treat her like a kid)
Nick turns 16
(wow Mile stone birth for him, nice to see him still alive)
Come join the fun

I also had his younger brothers name on the cake because he had a birthday this month too.

Kind of hard to not know it was both their party. Mind you this has been going on for 5 years with his sister and now the older brother and sister inlaw did it too. I think what hurts most is I thought that his sister in-law and I had a kind of bond and now I dont know anymore.

Dyan




iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
In reply to: dyan_2007
Mon, 09-24-2007 - 7:26pm

Dyan,

What does your husband say about all this? I feel so badly for you! That is really, really rude of your in laws...

Lois

  

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2007
In reply to: dyan_2007
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 10:35am

He called them on it and yelled at them, I told him yesterday that I maybe worrying about her giving gift to this new baby for no reason.. she may ignore him too, just like my other children.. I will tell ya what.. if she wants to see the baby, she will have to bring her happy little A** over to my house, or wait until some holiday at grandmas.

I actually should have known this would happen, she didnt even come to our wedding... Yet when we did the driving and honking around after the wedding there they were standing watering their law.. but they were too busy to come to the wedding... I may just stop inviting her to things, including his childrens stuff. she can remember their birthdays on her own...




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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
In reply to: dyan_2007
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 10:45am

That is wild...a sister choosing to water her lawn than go to her brother's wedding. Whatever.

You know, you've talked to them and they refuse to change their ways. What can you do? You just continue to shower your children--all of them--with love and affection and don't even worry about your inconsiderate in laws. If they choose to be clueless, it's not your job to show them the light. My aunts and uncles never gave me anything when I was little. One uncle gave my brother a present and not me. It hurt my feelings but I got over it. My guess is your kids are awesome and more resilient than you'd think. Your feelings are probably more hurt than theirs. Don't worry about trying to change your in laws. Hopefully they will get a clue. If not, their loss!!!!

xxoo
Lois

  

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
In reply to: dyan_2007
Fri, 09-28-2007 - 4:10pm

I'm channeling Dr. Laura. She'd say you need to be polite to them, but you are under no obligation to include them in your family's activities no to expect them to come if invited.

 

Lilypie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2007
In reply to: dyan_2007
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 10:58am

Thank you,

My husband and I have decided that we wont be inviting the relatives that cant accept me or my children into the family. We have also agreed that we wont invite them for our new baby either. They can figure it out on their own. Of course we will participate in Xmas and big holidays because they are usually held at the Mother IL's and she is a really sweet lady, and I would never do anything to hurt her feelings. My hubby's Children are now 18 and 20 so we dont have Bday parties for them them anymore. We just give them their cards with Cash and have a cake at dinner time. Which I think is acceptable, because it will be the same for my children when they reach over 18 yo.

I will still say this, I have been in the family for 5 years now total, and it still urks me that people have to be so rude.

Dyan




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