So, maybe we changed our minds...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2008
So, maybe we changed our minds...
13
Sat, 03-21-2009 - 5:44pm

Well, I posted several weeks ago that DH and I decided to TTC #3 and we both were very excited about our decision.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2008
Sat, 03-21-2009 - 10:15pm

Man that is a tough thing to hear! I know you appreciate his brazen honesty but it did strike a nerve.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2004
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 3:22am

Wow, that is a tough one. I know my ob was very frank with us after the m/c about having another or not. He was not making our decision for us or anything, but he was clear about what we should do BEFORE trying, if we decide to try. I also appreciated his honesty, and while I know having one at my age would not be his preference, I know he will stand by me whatever we decide.

It is always a tough choice to have a child, age and health can make it that much more difficult. For me, in our situation, we have to decide if we have room in our hearts and lives for another child. Our hearts are not a problem, but there are some days when we feel we can't keep up with the ones we already have, how would we add another?! Personally I cannot think too much about the risks, I know they are there, but I cannot let myself dwell on them. I know that we would handle whatever comes our way, I just can't focus on the what ifs or I would go crazy. I also believe that every life comes from God, and so regardless of what statistics say, I know that He ultimately holds the key to our future. Whether He blesses us with another child or not is in His hands, even if we decide to try. If He chooses to place a special child with us or not, again it is in His hands. I know that not everyone sees things the same way, but that is how I see it.

To me it sounds like you have lots of room in your heart and life for another child, but you are struggling with the possibility of a special needs child. I know there are parents/families who resent a special child in the family, but there are many, many more who, despite all the difficulties involved, feel that their special child has been a true blessing in disguise. I think you should take your time to evaluate how you truly feel, talk with parents of special children to find out more, and then make your decision based on all of that. I am glad you are comfortable with your doctor speaking out like that, and glad that he truly cares about you, but he does not know what your future holds. It may be a risky decision, and so you will need to dig deep to find your answers. Do keep us posted on how you are doing with all of this okay? I know it won't be easy. (((Hugs)))

Michelle


Loving Mom to three

Michelle


Loving Mom to three rambunctious 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2009
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 9:19am

Hi Joan,

I know that you have a lot of factors to consider here. I don't know much about your medical situation, but I know that your age shouldn't hold you back, as many can tell you on this board. Have you thought about seeking out a peri specialist before making your final decision? Also, you might want to seek some genetic counselling. I did this during my first pregnancy, but I think you can do it before you get pregnant - that way you will be well informed of all the risks.

Ultimately you have to decide what is right for you and your family. Like Michelle says, you have the room in your heart. Big hugs to you,

Heidi.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2008
Mon, 03-23-2009 - 12:38am

Hey Joan!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2008
Mon, 03-23-2009 - 11:16am

Thanks to you all for your thoughts and insight.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2008
Mon, 03-23-2009 - 12:14pm

I like what Michelle said. Just trust in God.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2004
Mon, 03-23-2009 - 2:15pm

I wish it were easier for you, but it isn't. You said that it screams volumes to you that the doctor went out of his way to talk to your husband. Don't read too much into it. Remember that as good as he may be, he is still trained to look at things from a medical perspective, and that can certainly influence how he looks at things. Typically they like to have VERY good odds for things. And frankly society as a whole is supportive of two children, and anything more than that you are crazy, the only exception is if you have two of the same sex! Before you give his opinion too much weight, you need to ask yourself (and maybe him directly) what he is basing his opinion on. Of course he will tell you it is your health and the baby's health, but what are his views of more than 2 children without those issues? Just a thought.

The other thing is what you said about how it would affect your other children, about a special child being a burden to them. There is obviously some truth to that, but it could it be that a child like that could also be a blessing to them? One of my dearest friends has a child with Downs, he is one of six children. Yes, it has added stress to the family, yes there will be a burden on the other children when the parents are gone, but he has brought a lot of blessings to the family as well. I don't think even one of them are at all resentful of him and his problems. The oldest is now about 17 or 18, so he understands very well what the future may hold as far as responsibility for his younger brother. I know of two other families with a child with Down's and I don't think it has been an issue for their children either. I know there are families where it is a huge issue, but I think how the children look at the situation and at their sibling has a LOT to do with how the parents handled it and what they taught the other children. For example, we can teach our children to be racist, or we can teach them to be tolerant of all skin colours. I do know of one family who has a "slow" child, and the entire family called her "the dummy", never used her real name at all, through her entire life. She is the family slave. So sad, but I am sure the parents had everything to do with that situation. What a different life she would have had if they had treated her with love and respect and taught her siblings to do the same!

I do not want to tell you what to do, it is a very personal decision. But I do want you to be able to make it for the right reasons, because you feel it is the right thing to do, and not to make it out of fear. If you decide not to have any more because of fear, you will most likely regret that decision. On the other hand, if you decide to have another because of fear of regret, well, that wouldn't be good either. I will be thinking of you during this time of struggle, I know it is very hard. We are working through some of this too, not for the same reasons, but it is still hard and so I understand at least a little of what you are dealing with. ((((Hugs))))

Michelle


Loving Mom to three

Michelle


Loving Mom to three rambunctious 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2008
Mon, 03-23-2009 - 2:27pm

Thank you so much for your words and your thoughts.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2008
Mon, 03-30-2009 - 12:59pm

Well, ladies, DH and I decided to go for it!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2004
Mon, 03-30-2009 - 5:10pm
Yay! I am so glad to hear it! I confess that I was really hoping you would decide to try, but it must have been so hard to reach a decision. I hope it happens very soon for you, good luck!

Michelle


Loving Mom to three

Michelle


Loving Mom to three rambunctious 

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