Losing my $h1T (scuze my French)!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Losing my $h1T (scuze my French)!
8
Sat, 03-27-2010 - 10:37pm

I have worked hard to maintain a positive outlook throughout my pregnancy thus far, but circumstances have begun to push me to my limit. Admittedly, I got myself into most of these circumstances (and this pregnancy) and if I could have foreseen it, I would have done things very differently a year ago. I am in the midst of trying to have my first child, single and age 42 (43 by my due date), coping with challenging financial circumstances, and now my mother has just been found to have a brain tumor, and I am trying to be there for her and my father. In the midst of this, I have older sisters who keep rubbing my nose in my past mistakes (I don't consider getting pregnant, however unpreparedly, to be one of them) rather than offering me any support. Having my every move questioned when I'm trying to do the best I can is becoming difficult. There are so many other things that can go wrong, I don't want a state of high stress to take its toll during this pregnancy.

Counseling? Yoga? Meditation? Other relaxation techniques??? Any advice on ways to de-stress during pregnancy would be much appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
Sun, 03-28-2010 - 1:20am
Hi there Karen, I'm sorry you are having a rough period! Well, I just wanted to offer the suggestion that music can have a big effect on mood. In the shuffle of being busy you may have forgotten this. If you have any music that is kind of slow/melancholy/sad, STAY THE HELL AWAY from it ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2008
Sun, 03-28-2010 - 2:15am

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time, Karen. You've been so incredibly positive throughout your pregnancy so far. Aside from the negativity you face from your family and the other hardships you're presently dealing with, don't forget you have those hormones flowing through you which are very likely exacerbating everything you feel. I'm not one to meditate or do yoga (although I probably should!), but I have an aunt and uncle who SWEAR by Tai Chi. Recently a few classes for it started in our area and I know of one person (the mother of one of our five year old's friends) who started going to it and she absolutely LOVES it! I don't know much about if/whether a woman getting close to her third trimester would be a good candidate for it -- as I recall, it's very low impact but requires some advanced balancing moves/techniques -- but perhaps this is something to look into?

Aside from Tai Chi, mediation, yoga, or any other physical remedy, is there a professional with whom you already have a relationship that you might be able to see weekly or bi-weekly (i.e., counselor, social worker, psychologist, etc.)? My aunt (the same one who took Tai Chi) is a psychologist who thinks everyone should be in therapy at certain points throughout their lives whether they think they need it or not -- and the "times" she refers to are good times as well as not-so-good times, but of course it's the not-so-good times when we benefit from it the most.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom. It sounds like you're doing the "right" thing by making your pregnancy, your baby, and you your priority. I'm sure it will be hard to stay focused, but try to keep everything in perspective. Support your Mom as she needs you to, and if/when the negative comments and/or innuendos from your family become too much, maybe just tell them to please show some respect for you by keeping their comments to themselves. I recently started asking Lilah (our five year old) to please not say anything, especially to people other than her Dad or me, if what she has to say doesn't sound nice. Maybe you can remind your sisters of this. : ) I don't know much about your relationship with them but it sounds to me like you don't deserve this treatment from them.

Lean on us whenever you need to. Big hugs and best wishes to you. Please KUP on how you're dealing with all this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Sun, 03-28-2010 - 7:05am

Thanks ladies for the words of support. The hardest part about all this is watching my mom go through this, seeing her in pain and her personality change, and not being able to help ease those problems. The dramatic changes in her moods and mental functioning started a few weeks ago and this tumor was just spotted Friday, so we don't know yet whether it's cancer. She also has a lot of belly pain from a urinary tract infection (and hopefully not worse) that's cropped up with these other changes.

I'm scared my mother might not be around to meet her newest grandson. At my age and being the youngest of my three other sisters, I knew there's a chance my parents might not be able to see their youngest grandson grow up, but I never expected something to happen so quickly that could possibly take her away before he's even born. I imagine some of you have already experienced such a loss in your lives. I can only pray the doctors will be able to ease my mother's pain and help her stay with us comfortably for longer.

Thanks for the good suggestions. I'll plan to use them.

Make a pregnancy ticker




Edited 3/28/2010 1:09 pm ET by karen2010
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2010
Mon, 03-29-2010 - 6:43pm

Hi Karen, so sorry to hear about your mother's illness and the lack of support from family members. I regularly exercise and get outside as much as I can to relieve stress and feel well, and the weather is finally starting to cooperate with that approach. For myself, it would be great to get to know other single, mature pregnant women in person as part of my support network. If I just had a magic wand to whip up a group like that in my home town ...


Hope you find what works best for you to stay positive

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Mon, 03-29-2010 - 9:16pm

>> it would be great to get to know other single, mature pregnant women in person as part of my support network.<<

I felt the same way, but where I live now (rural Vermont), I'll be lucky if I find one other pregnant woman my age before this is over. I haven't run into any yet. It wasn't unusual at all where I'm from (New Jersey); around here, though, most women seem to have babies in their 20s (if not younger) and many my age are already grandmas. I think I'll have to be happy with an in-person support network of other pregnant women, regardless of age, and really, there's still much common ground among us.

Thanks for your suggestions. Getting out always helps me feel better too, so outdoor activities will definitely be part of my routine as the weather gets better.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 11:40pm

I am so sorry for all that has come at you - at once! As it so often happens, at the worst time.

Everyone handles things differently, but I think the first thing you need to decide is what your priorities are - and WHO those priorities are with. And I am speaking specifically of toxic environments, that may include your sisters.

At this time you need positivity, and strength . Your mother needs the same, and soon your baby will. Time and energy are wasted trying to appease others, no matter how much you want to keep the peace - there will be time for that too. I guess what I am saying is set your limits, and don't be afraid to say ' you know what? I can't do this right now, if you can't be positive and supportive then you need to stay away'. I've had to do this, when my daughter went through cancer treatment, because you only have so much strength, and those who truly care will be there for YOU no matter what.

best of luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 6:08pm

Things are actually a little better this week. My mom's cancer has been diagnosed, and while it is lymphoma and will need treatment, it's a much more treatable form than the other cancer the docs thought was possible. The treatment has a good chance to give her years more, rather than months if it had been the less treatable form. Also, my sisters are coming around. One of them, who's been living in Spain this year, thanked me for taking such good care of my mother. It felt good to have her acknowledge how much I've been trying to be a positive presence through this.

Also, things have gone so well with the pregnancy (even the annoying rash I got a few weeks ago seems to be cleared up), the OB clinic I've been traveling 1.5+ hrs to for more specialized care said there's no reason I can't go to the OB office closer to home for routine appointments.

So far, the stress level this week has been much more manageable.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2010
Thu, 04-08-2010 - 1:27pm

Karen, I give you so much credit.