In addition...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2008
In addition...
5
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 3:32pm

I wasn't finished before...


My 12 yr old was born with a cleft lip and palate. I don't remember his first year. He has chronic ear infections. He will have his 6th set of tubes removed in May. We are now entering the stage of braces. When I was married to his dad, I was pretty much a single parent. I don't want to start over with the ear infections, colic, sleepless nights, packing up the whole house to go to the grocery store, potty training, etc. I don't have that kind of energy anymore. I don't sleep well now. I know that wouldn't get any better. My boys are very active in sports and are to the point where I can leave them home alone for an evening. I love to go to their activities. I've been their only support system ever and I want to keep that up. We can get respite care for my stepson, but sometimes no one is available. He's alot of work to take along to soccer/baseball games but I do it b/c I have to.


I think I'm done now...please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
In reply to: shari4007
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 6:32pm

It sounds like with everything on your plate, you'd be easily overwhelmed by additional challenges. At any age, we have relatively little ability to completely predict or plan the outcome of a pregnancy we've decided to try to carry to term. I'd say that having a baby primarily because it's what your SO wants (who from your description sounds like he may not be that emotionally available and may place blame on you if things don't go the way he'd like) may not be a strong enough reason.

Hope others will also share their thoughts.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2008
In reply to: shari4007
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 3:35am
OK, after reading this post of yours, I'm convinced that YOU don't really want another child and that you're considering doing this for your husband, not for yourself. Think about it for a minute... He drinks because of your children (as you indicated in your first post), his social life doesn't include you, he's dodged his responsibility of caring for his special needs child and dumped it on you, he won't resume counseling with you, and yet he claims he wants another child? It really, really sounds to me like you need to stop feeling so responsible for him and his feelings and start worrying more abut yourself and your existing children. Another baby will pull you in so many more different directions and quite frankly, based on everything you indicated in your posts, it doesn't sound like you have any more capacity. And, most importantly of all, the bottom line is, YOU don't want another baby; your husband does (or at least thinks he does). I'd spend the next year getting you, your husband, and your relationship "fixed" before even considering having another child. Forget your age and everything else; if you don't have a solid, happy, healthy relationship with your husband, another child will very likely add more burden to it (in my humble opinion). Just as is the case with my other response to you, I'm basing all this solely on what you offered in each of your posts. I apologize if I seem harsh or judgmental, but since you asked for truthful opinions, I offered mine. : ) I hope you find peace and are able to make a decision about what is best for you. Best wishes to you.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2008
In reply to: shari4007
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 2:22pm

You gals said everything I expected. Truth is, I think I just needed some reaffirmation. I know I would end up with the sole responsibility of all 4 kids, if another was to happen. I know my relationship with my husband is not in any shape to add one more stressful obstacle (for lack of a better word). I know I would not be able to go off my meds for that length of time.


Hubby would have to either go to counseling or parenting classes AND cut down, if not quit drinking. It's become his first love. I can't compete with that. He's constantly telling me-"it's up to you", "you decide", "doesn't matter to me", when it comes to other every day situations, so, I've decided to make a list of things that I need to see change/happen. If he can't live with some of MY rules, then maybe I can't live here. My boys and I lived on our own for 5 yrs and we can do it again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
In reply to: shari4007
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 4:21pm

Shari,

For me, I had to accept my ex wasn't going to change, and there was certainly nothing I could do to force him to. So it will be me and the baby, but with the right support system, I believe I can make it work. I probably wouldn't feel the same way if I had other kids, including one with special needs, to already take care of. Sounds like you already know what the right thing for you is concerning trying to have another baby right now. As far as your relationship, I wish you the best for working things out, but remember you have to do what's best for you and not always put yourself last.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2008
In reply to: shari4007
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 6:16pm
I wish you the best no matter what happens. It's great that you're seeing a counselor -- lean on him/her however and whenever you need to. I'm so glad to hear that s/he is giving you the strength to stand up to your husband. It sounds to me like you're quite a strong person as well as quite intelligent. I'm sure you'll make the "right" decision about your relationship, your family, and you, whatever that may be. Best wishes to you always.
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