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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
LOVE this site!
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Fri, 03-05-2010 - 9:46pm

Hello... My name is Krystyne, I'm 42 (as of March 15th) and I have stumbled across this board for reassurance and to get a feeling of how other 40+ Mom's are doing. At the moment I am a bit discouraged. I had my first baby at 40 and she is almost 2 now...I found out I was pregnant again last January (it took us 8 months to conceive) and last week found out I had had a missed miscarriage.... I am very sad, but glad at the same time because I'd rather problems happen earlier than later. Now I find myself sitting here waiting to miscarry doubting if I should continue trying because of my age. I am blaming myself and feeling like sort of a failure. I know that I can conceive...but am feeling discouraged. I feel somewhat alone.... Miscarriage happens to many people but I still somehow feel alone.

Everyone who knows about my situation says, "it's because of your age" and that has brought me down and has made me think they could be right. I have suffered from one previous miscarriage at 39, then got pregnant with my daughter Olivia 5 months later.

I do really want to keep trying....I figure I cannot afford not to keep trying... and think I should really try because there could be a baby in there waiting to meet us...but I am really scared and confused because of what people are telling me. Someone had also said "what is a 41 year old doing trying to have another baby, you already have ONE..be happy with her"...

I am a bit down. Sorry for being a downer. I hope you wonderful ladies have some insight.

I should keep trying once this is all over shouldn't I? It seems like the right thing to do...

THanks in advance..and SORRY about being such a downer.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2008
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 11:27pm
Hello, Krystyne, and welcome! You've come to the right place for support and reaassurance! I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. They're difficult to accept. Big hugs to you. Most of us here can relate to what you're feeling as well as to the negative reaction you often face from others who learn you're pregnant or want to be pregnant. My Mom and my G'Mom both reacted negatively to my current pregnancy so I know how hurtful it is for people close to you to react any way other than positively to your news. Screw 'em. That probably sums up best how I feel about them. : ) Only you and your family are directly impacted by your choice to have another baby so only you can decide what is best or "right" for you and your family. There are many threads on this board (quite a few of which are very recent) about how people react to news that we "older" women are pregnant or trying to conceive; I encourage you to read through them. I think you'll find a lot of insight in and strength from some of the stories. Bottom line: follow your heart and do what feels right for you. If having another child is what you and your husband/partner want, then go for it. It's hard to open yourself up to the potential of losing another baby -- especially when you've suffered through losses already, but without taking the chance, you'll never have the opportunity to meet and love that little baby you want so badly. Please don't think of being pregnant waiting to miscarry; try to think positively. The odds are slightly higher for women over 35 to miscarry, HOWEVER, even so, they're still largely in our favor to deliver a healthy baby. Try to keep that in mind. I wish you the best of luck. Best wishes to you and welcome again. I look forward to getting to know you better. BTW, I'm Joan, am 42, and am pregnant with #3. This baby is pretty much a surprise baby and is a boy who's due in May. We have two girls, a five year old and a two year old. I'm nervous about adding another child to our already chaotic household and life but at the same time I look forward to meeting him and loving him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 8:19am

((((hugs)))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2009
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 7:58pm

Hi Krystyne.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2009
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 5:27pm

Hi Krystyne.

Welcome to the site. I am sorry to read of your most recent loss. Allow yourself time to grieve for this baby and heal before you make any decision one way or the other.

In the big scheme of things, I suppose I am an oddity...most of my girlfriends have children already in their pre-teen or teenage years. Due to our history with infertility, our kiddos are only ages 5 & 3, so I don't think it was very surprising to my girlfriends/family members when we announced Baby #3...at age 40 (I'll be 41 a couple of weeks after delivery).

Now, a few "acquaintances" did make some comments such as "with your history, I'd think you'd quit while you're ahead," or "you already have a girl and a boy, why mess with perfection?" etc, but I just didn't feel like our family was complete with just our two.

The size of a family is such a personal and individual situation...only you and your partner/spouse/etc. can decide what is best for you. And you're right...you don't have time on your side, but I will say that I am amazed at the women older than 45 that are still conceiving! Hats off to them!!!

Best of luck as you go thru these next few weeks and months,

Valerie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 6:37pm

Krystne, I am sorry for your losses. If you want another child I think you should try. Yes the rates of m/c are higher as you get older, and that is something you need to be prepared for. If you are not prepared for that, then maybe you shouldn't try. It really is a personal decision that no one can make except you and your partner (if you have one). But you already know you can carry a baby to term, so I think your chances should still be good of doing it again. I had seven losses in a row before this pg, and it looks like this time will finally work out. I don't think my losses were primarily due to age, because what finally worked for me the first time we tried it was going on metformin and taking HGH during stims. I think people are very quick to blame m/c's in older women on age, and while that does increase the risk, older women can have other causes of m/c too, just like everyone else!

Luckily where I live (SF Bay Area) it seems like most women I know have their first babies in their late 30's or early 40's, so thankfully I don't expect ANY negative comments. If I get any, I may have a very difficult time restraining myself from just punching the person in the nose! But seriously, if you get any comments like that, don't let the person get away with such rudeness. Saying something like "I don't recall asking your opinion" should shut them up and let them know they are out of line.

And btw, I will be 42 when I have this first baby and while I am not sure if we will do fertility treatments again, I'm certainly never going on birth control unless we have a second.

- Jenna, 41, DH 38 TTC since September '06 with MFI. 3 failed unmedicated IUI's with DH sperm, 1 failed IUI with injects with DH sperm, IVF #1 BFN, FET BFP but M/c week 5, IVF#2 BFP m/c week 7, IUI with injects and donor sperm: probable chemical pg. 1 failed unmedicated DS/IUI. Started BCP's 7/30 for IVF #3, ER 9/10, ET 9/15, Beta 9/24 results 9/25. BFP, Twins. Lost 1st twin at 9-10 weeks, lost second twin at 16 weeks 12/17/08. Attempted IUI #4 converted to DS/DH IUI April 09 at my request, BFP and M/c. IVF #4 June 09 BFN. DS-IUI w/injects 7/6/09, BFN. Hysteroscopic myomectomy to remove fibroid 7/29/09.Unmedicated DS-IUI 9/09, BFN. DS-IUI with injects, 10/09, BFP and M/C. DH/DS-IUI with injects and HGH, 12/6. BFP! Betas: 12dpo 12/18 58, 14 dpo 12/20 157, 16dpo 12/22 379, 22 dpo 12/28 4,002



pregnancy
- Jenna