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|Fri, 01-30-2009 - 12:55am|
Sorry, this got a bit long. Thanks to all of you for your kind thoughts. Unfortunately, I guess this baby was not meant to be part of our family, just part of our hearts forever. I hope the rest of you have wonderful pregnancies and enjoy your beautiful babies for me.
This is not what I wanted to post. When the doctor tried to find the heartbeat, he couldn't. So I went to the hospital for an u/s. When we got there, I had the same tech as the last time, I am really glad because she is so nice. I was able to see the screen while she did the u/s, and I saw right away that my baby's heart was not beating. She said it was just over 9 weeks, but going by when I thought my uterus stopped growing, I would say the baby died between 1 1/2 and 2 weeks ago. I have been quite worried about that, but hadn't told anyone, thought it might be just my imagination. Then we went back to the clinic and waited forever to see the doctor. He is really nice, but it was hard to wait. He gave me the option of a D&C or to wait, and I had already decided to wait. So now I have to go back as soon as I start significant bleeding or passing clots, and anything major I have to save and take in. I also need to have someone who can drive me in, he does not want me to try to drive myself. Should be an interesting weekend. I started bleeding more again tonight, so I don't think it will take too long.
I have been crying almost non-stop ever since. I can hold it in for a time, like around the kids when I need to, but they still slip out. Luckily we had both vehicles in town, so I drove home alone so I could sob by myself. It hurts so much. This makes #6. That is just too many. One is too many. I don't know how I am ever going to get through this in one piece. The boys have handled it well, I told them what was up before we went in, and the way it happened they got the news gradually. Poor DH, he is the one who has to tell my parents and the others who know, I just can't do it without bawling. I can handle it after they know, but the telling is so hard. I am just heartbroken.
Loving Mom to three