Is it selfish 2 have child after 40?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2008
Is it selfish 2 have child after 40?
9
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 2:24pm

Talked to my mother who I have to admit, is judgmental and has an opinion about everything and everyone yesterday about my appt. w/ the OB.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 3:39pm

Well, I guess you can tell what I think from the picture of my kids at the bottom of the page.

Carol, mom to 7

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2004
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 5:01pm

I agree with PP. I don't think it's any more selfish to have a child at 40 than it is to have one at 20. I had my first at 21 and I will be 40 for my last (yes, this is our last). I am so much more equipped financially, emotionally, even physically, than I was at 21. I am so much more able to give my child a stable, loving life (and less likely to screw him/her up royally).

Ultimately, this is a decision between you and DH. Forget the doctor - in fact, I'd get a new one. My DH and I went through multiple IVFs and I think I'd really give it to a medical professional who said that to me! Maybe I just try to surround myself with professionals who support my goals. As far as your mother is concerned, cut the apron strings. You do NOT need your mother's approval on this one.

Good luck with DH. Perhaps he just needs some time to get used to living with your new son before he mentally commits to more.

Tracy, 40
DH, 44
DD-18, DD-15, DD-11, DSS-9, DS-2.5
due 4/27

Tracy, 40
DH, 44
DaD-28, DD-18, DD-15, DD-11, DSS-10, DS-3

pregnancy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2008
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 8:26pm

Hi Rachelle,


Just lurking from the ttc40 board.

     Leeann   


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2008
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 5:57am

Hi Rachelle,


In a word...NO!

Mom to Jeffrey, a 7 year old ball of fire,&nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2007
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 9:59am

Trust me I have more than overthought that issue myself before I decided to get pregnant and it still concerns me today (my baby is about to be 6 months next week).


I was raised by my grandmother (since I was 6 months old). She came and got me from my real mother who wanted nothing to do with me. Since I was only 6 months old when she got me, I grew up...with some of the first words a baby learns is moma and dada...I called my grandparents mommy and daddy all my life. To me, they were my parents. When I was in 6th grade, they adopted me and made it legal. So with that being said...


My mom was 42 when she came to get me from my real mom. She was the most loving mother anyone could have. However, I feel VERY VERY ASHAMED to say the next thiings I'm about to say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 10:03pm

Rachelle,
Your baby is beautiful! Congratulations!
I am lurking here, am over 40 but not pg. And frankly go back and forth whether I want to be (though it hasn't happened for us yet so could be a moot point). I guess asking whether it is selfish to have a baby over 40 on this board might bring some biased opinons, but I will give you mine.

I am not sure if selfish is the right word, as ultimately having a baby requires a lot of unselfishness. But I do think 'for me' having another child at my age has something to do with my attempt to deny that I am getting old. Now obviously that's not the whole reason, its much more complex than that. But there certainly is an element of 'age denial' there.

I certainly would not like to be mistaken for my child's grandmother however or to be potentially an embarassment to a teenager due to my age. Also, whilst a Mom can die at any age due to accident or illness, STATISTICALLY the older you give birth the less time you will have to spend on Earth with that child. I have some first hand experience with my DH. Both his parents were mid 40's when he was born and now that he is 41, both are unfortunately dead. Would he have traded his parents for the world? NO! But would he like to be in my position with 2 parents living? ABSOLUTELY YES.

So these thoughts all swirl around in my mind. I had ny boys when I was early 30's and now am of a similar age to most of their friends parents. And I have to say I like that. And I think my boys like that, as kids crave sameness.

But, selfish? No, I don't think its selfish to want a child in your 40's. Wanting a child is a very deep rooted instinct. BUT I do think there's a lot of considerations that have to be weighed up. And if at the end of the day it still feels right for you, then
there's no reason not to go for it.

I hope you and your DH manage to reach agreement on what your way forward is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2008
Fri, 10-17-2008 - 7:40am

Good Morning:


I am new to the site (today) and I have thought a lot about this being in my 40's and my DH in his 50's.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2007
Fri, 10-17-2008 - 9:34am

I have seen the issues from both sides of the coin. My mother turned 40 the month after I was born and my father was 44. I was 38 when my DD was born and will be 42 when this little bundle of joy arrives.

I am thrilled that my parents had me later in life!! Sadly, my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's when I was in my early 20s, and passed away when I was in my 30s. My father is now 85 years old, and is as young as anyone in their 60s. (He spent 2 weeks traveling in Europe last summer!) There is no way to predict what life will bring our way.

And I love being a mom at this stage in my life. I have more stability to offer my family, more wisdom, and usually more patience. OK, I do have less energy than my niece who had her kids before she was 25, but so what? I say vive l'difference! Since my mom isn't around to give me baby advice, I call my 20-something niece and she coaches me through whatever the situation.

All situations have pros and cons - you have to make your own decisions!

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2008
Fri, 10-17-2008 - 9:56am

Welcome, Sara!