being forced

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
being forced
12
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 10:33am
please excuse me i know no of this makes sense or spelled right

as of this saturday i will no longer be pregnant. as of today i am a month and a week pregnant but saturday will be no more. i am being foced into killing my child by his or her father. i never thought i could hate him so much but i do. he knows i want ths baby more then life itself but yet he is focing me to kill it telling me this is what s best for all of us. telling me we dont have the money for the baby that he or she wasnt planned as it should have. but let me ask how many of you have had a child that was not planned? i know alot of people friends and family that just had kids that they never planned to have yet they still had them. they still loved them.so why does it seem as if he doesnt love our baby? why doesnt he want our child? so what if we are not ready will we ever be?yes we are both young and have time but it is not our choice to kill a life if it was sent by god then it was ment to happen. but yet i allow him to make me do this no matter how much i hate it. as of this saturday at 7:45am i will no longer be a mother. this will be my second child i have lost do to him and his family. my first baby i lost with only 4mo to go but i lost her from stress they all caused me making my body go into premature labor having me give birth then hold my dying child as the doctors tell me there is nothing the could do for her. if they were able to save my daughter she would be 1yr 1mo right now. not they are doing it to me again. i can feel it my child isnt well already and i'm only a month and a week. they strted to kil my child from the day they knew he or she existed by stressing me out and maing m body feel so much pain and confusion. i dont know if the father of my children decided to do what he has on his own or had help from his family. trying to bribe me into doing this telling me if i kill my child we will be married by january and then have another baby by may of next year.which is wrong a life for a life. it make me wonder how he was taught growing up? was he taught its ok to kill on thing cause u can always get another later on. why does no one ever want or love my children besides me?why does no one ever want to help me with any of this? why does no one care about how i feel and about what i want? nothing matters to any of them as long as they are happy with the decision that was made as long as they dont have to help with any of it. as long as they put me through so much pain they possibly can. as long as the kill everything i love so dearly in this world. if i could i rather kill myself then my own child.but then i would have to worry bout who would take care of him or her. they are hurting my child already cause i cant even it and when i do since i'm so stress i throw up so nothing stays in my system, i'm so worried all the time i cant sleep at night, my back is killing me, my ankcles are swollen and my chest is all bruesed. they are not just hurting and killing me they are doing it to my child and hey know that so right now whether my heart and head agree the best thing is to stop my child for all the pain they have all cause for me and for him or her even if i will hate myself and the rest of them for as long as i live. i know longer have a choice in anything regarding me and my body and whatever my be growing in it. unless i can figure out something else to do i have nothing else except a broken heart.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
In reply to: jessica72803
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 11:18am
Jessica,

I am so sorry for what you're having to go through. I don't want to butt in or give unwanted advice, but I hear a lot of doubt in your message (I mean, A LOT of doubt). While I'm firmly pro-choice, and I guess this isn't the right place for an abortion debate anyway, I think if you have any doubts whatsoever, you should not go through with the procedure. You seem to want this baby very much, regardless of what the father thinks. God has a way of taking care of things, and if he sent you this child (which I believe he did) and you want this child, please trust that he'll also give you a way to take care of him or her.

Another thing bothers me about the father's actions. He's trying to bribe you into marriage by terminating this pregnancy?!?!? Two things seem wrong here: 1) Do you think he'll really be ready to get married in January? and 2) Do you really want to marry someone like this anyway? I know you didn't ask for my opinion, but it sounds to me like you're better off without this guy.

I hope you're not offended by what I've said. I just want you to know that you do have options, and there are people here who care about what happens to you. It sounds like you're feeling pretty defeated and hopeless right now. Please don't do anything irreversible until you're absolutely sure it's the right decision for YOU. No one else matters in this scenario except YOU and how you feel about YOUR BABY.

We are here for you always! Please let us know how you're doing.

((HUGS))

LeeAnne

EDD 11/11/04

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: jessica72803
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 11:20am
I can't say that I know what you are going through but my heart goes out to you. I am sorry that you have been put in a situation where your boyfriend and his family are so insensative to your situation. Just remember NO ONE can make you do something that you don't want to. My mom was only 16 when she had me and everyone was advising her not to have a baby and that is was selfish to have a baby when you haven't even finished school. When I was born the people at the hospital even had adoption papers ready to take me away and give me to another family. My mom was like are you crazy I will not kill and or give away my child. To this day I can't even express to her how I feel about the choice that she made. Don't let people make you feel like you have to something you don't want to. I know it hurts you deep inside but is this a place you want to be anyway. Somewhere where you can't even be your own self. If you do decide to go through with the procedure take time to heal with people who do care about how you feel. This is just my opinion and sorry if I offend you but I wouldn't stay with and or even think about marrying someone who would just say ok the time isn't right lets just kill it. Good Luck and I will be thinking about you.

Alicia

EDD 12-12-04

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
In reply to: jessica72803
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 11:37am
I read your post and I just wanted to say that my every thought went to Leave that man. If he is tearing you apart that much and forcing you to do and feel the way you do then you need to run now. What is the point of waiting around to marry someone who could do that to you mentally or physically. There are many options that you have. You can not be forced to do anything. If you love that baby raise it yourself since it doesnt sound like your boyfriend needs to be anywhere around children. There are many resources in every community that could find you some help. It would be a hard lonely road but you would only be alone for a few months before your baby was here with you. I was alone when I had my dd and when they handed her to me I told her that nothing else mattered because we had each other. It sounds like you would have a much more rewarding life with your child then you would with this guy. Then if he decided later to come around (after some counseling) maybe he could complete your family...if not there is always someone out there that would love you and your child. He is not the only one that could ever love you. Being alone for a small amount of time is a small price to pay for a happy family later on. Sorry if this seems harsh but I hope that you make the decision that is right for you. It is hard to see this guy in any sort of a light other than rotten with the way that you described him making you feel. The ladies on this board are always here with support as are other agencies in your community.

Carrie

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
In reply to: jessica72803
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 11:59am
I really think you need to be paying attention more to what you want then What some man is making you do. ITS YOUR BODY. Give this alot more thought. If he loved you he would consider your feelings alot more. You want this baby. I really think you should fight for it. I don't want you to regret this later on. Please think about it more. Alot more.

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
In reply to: jessica72803
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 3:40pm
I am sorry for the difficult situation you are in. I would recommend going to Planned Parenthood and speaking with them alone. No one can force you to do something you don't want to. It sounds like terminating the pregnancy is something you don't want, and it also sounds like you'd be much better off without your boyfriend (sorry for the harshness). I have friends who have raised children alone and it is hard, but they are happy. I am adopted and my birthmother placed me for adoption when she was 19 because my birthfather was not supportive. I've had a great life and am happy for that decision. I also know people who are involved in open adoptions where the children have contact with the birth mothers. Do what you feel is right in your heart. You are in my prayers.

Alicia

EDD 3-6-05

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: jessica72803
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 4:57pm
Jessica,

I'm not even sure where to begin. Nobody, and I mean nobody, can force you to have an abortion. One of the elements of pro-choice is CHOICE. That means you can choose to keep this pregnancy if you want it. Believe me, there are many, many resources out there to help you keep this pregnancy - you are not dependent on your boyfriend. You are an adult. It is time to make an adult decision for yourself, by yourself. Sure, you can and should listen to input from the father. But do not be a child forever and have him make your decisions for you.

Now about your boyfriend. He is abusive. He may not have hit you(?), but by forcing you into a medical procedure that you don't want, he is abusive. He is controlling you both physically and emotionally, and it sounds like he has already managed to isolate you from your support system of friends and family. Those are all signals of an abuser. If you marry him in January, it will only get worse. He may well graduate to something worse. If there is any love in your relationship, it sounds one-sided. He has a love for himself. If he loved you he would not force you to do this thing. My advice, from probably thousands of miles away and based on your one note, is to walk out the door RIGHT NOW. Don't sleep on it. Don't worry about your stuff - it is all replaceable. Just walk out, go to your nearest battered women's shelter and show them a printout of your first post. They will be able to guide you to other resources that can help you. Unless you take drastic steps, your situation will deteriorate. Each hesitation gives your abuser more power. Each time he will step a little further over that line. So don't hesitate. Leave. Today. Now. Start a new life, and he can either change and join you or you can move on to a better life. And it will be better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: jessica72803
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 5:23pm

Maybe I'm mean and heartless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: jessica72803
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 6:58pm
I'm sure that you are upset and scared and just a whirlwind of emotions right now with all of this going on. But there is one thing to remember.

NO ONE CAN FORCE YOU TO ABORT THE BABY. NO ONE. If you go into the clinic, you are doing it yourself. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but if you really want this baby and if you really disagree with aborting it, then going throughh with it on Saturday will only make you hate yourself and the father.

Get out of the relationship. Keep your baby. Look for insurance and financial support from the government if you have to. Look for any family or friends who can help. There has to be someone out there. And if not, plenty of people raise children on their own. My mother did. you can too.

Camille

Lilypie Lilypie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2003
In reply to: jessica72803
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 8:19pm
First I want to say I am sorry about the loss of your daughter. I have to butt in and tell GIRL don't do anything you don't want to do. NOBADY CAN FORCE YOU TO DO ANYTHING YOU DON"T WANT TO DO. Because you are going to have live with this.And I have a feeling if you do not keep this baby you will hate everything about the baby's father and there won't be much of a relationship. Isay think of it this way: It is only you and that baby, What DO YOU WANT out of YOUR life? Is this something YOU WANT in YOUR LIFE? Can YOU SURVIVE? Iwas in your shoes a few years ago. My now DH and I had a child when I was nineteen and he was eighteen years old. He wanted me to get get a abortion but I told him no. This who my body, my baby, and to hell with him! Either he was going to be there or not!!!! But I knew what I WANT and it was that baby. I didn't have a good job I had just got out of high school hoping to go to college and I didn't have my own place. But I had my son on March 3, 1999 and now he is a happy healthy five year old, I got my own place, my DH fell in love with his son the day he was born, we eventully got married, I'm working at home. I got my ass. in graphic design now I am working on my bac. in visual communication. I know not everyone life turns out this way. I have a friend who's daughter's father left her and she is doing great. She is working ,going to school, and taking care of her daughter. You have to make choices for yourself and not let other decide for you unless you are unable to.BUT I say keep the baby and work hard to save money on your own and plan everything on your own and if he see you doing things without him he may or may not coming around (meanig been "with the program") And if YOU CHOOSE to abort the baby this would be YOUR CHIOCE and not he or his families.Then on the other hand IS THIS REALLY SOMEONE YOU WANT TO HAVE A FAMILY WITH? IS HE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE CONNECTED TO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! PLease all I ask is that YOU MAKE THIS STEP own your and not because he is forcing you to.


Jewel (Chicago)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
In reply to: jessica72803
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 9:32pm
I have to put in my $.02 here I did have an abortion because the babys father wanted me to when I was in High School and have regretted it ever since. I have stayed with him and things have been ok between us exept I harbor a lot of hatred about feeling forced (I wasnt forced or bribed I was made to feel it was the only way by both families) The problem is I have had 2 m/c since then and I also blamed him for those because I always feel if I hadn't had the abortion I wouldnt have m/c'd. Now I have a mojor point to make here too we were having unprotected sex because I thought I couldnt get pg due to an accident when I was young (i recently found out i am missing an ovaryu bcause of it) so it was a mistake but you have been pg b4 and you and your bf know how to avoid it if you don't want a baby. He is being insensitive 20 is not too young and I will let you know we are on our 3rd and still not ready to have our first but we make do. You should NOT have an abortion because he wants it trust me even if you do marry you will harbor so much hate forever!!!!! Also even tho i felt pushed to have my abortion I made the choice I could have said NO!!! I knew that then and I also know it now. Please dont put yourself in my shoes the pain is too much and if you want to talk to someone who knows where you are coming from you can e mail me. bahasbaby@aol.com

Heather edd 10/31

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