Telling parents and other family

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Telling parents and other family
7
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 4:58pm

I'm a lurker who will officially join this board in about another week and a half provided everything works out and I make it to 12 weeks.

But I have a question I need advice on and the TTCAM board wasn't the right place to ask it for obvious reasons. My siutation is this. In about a week and a half, when I am 12 weeks, we will be going to visit our families out of state and were planning to tell parents on both sides about my pg.

Trouble is, this whole thing is making me very nervous. I am 40 yrs old and we have never had a child and our families pretty much thought we never would. My FIL stopped making digs awhile back about when were we going to give them a grandkid so I guess he gave up. Anyway, a lot of people are going to be floored.

I'm worried b/c I really really really do not want to be a spectacle. I don't mind telling parents on each side, but DH insists we have to tell his grandparents, too, while we were there. My preference was to wait til our last day at each parents' house to tell them and let them go nuts and spread the word to extended family after we were safely gone and out of their reach. (DH has tons of cousins and aunts and uncles that all live right there.)

Is what I'm feeling normal? I guess it's how I always feel. I'm a journalist and I like to be the one who covers the news, but am uncomfortable being the one who IS the news.
I'm actually enjoying this time of not showing so I can have the choice of telling whom I want about "my secret." I guess it's like feeling more in control.

Anyway, any ideas? Also, does anybody know of a creative way to tell parents about this? I'd be interested in how some of you handled this. I'm not as worried about my family as my sister was first to be pg and is pg now so maybe she blazed a little bit of a trail.
I realize this is supposed to be a happy time. So why I am afraid?

LoisLane

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 5:05pm


Additional background for everyone - No one in our families knows about last year's pg and early m/c. They don't even know we were TTC at all, ever. We knew we were trying again so we just didn't bother to tell them.

LoisLane

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 6:40pm

Loislane - You really need to come out of hiding here more regularly & join in our worries rather than worrying 'all alone' per say. Plus, I need another 40-something since I turn 40 in 2 weeks!

I think much of what you're feeling is very normal. I bet that part of what you're feeling is due to your loss. The other thing to think of is the 'control factor'. I'm not sure if you would consider yourself a control person, but this could be the first lesson in giving up control when it comes to kids. I'm a bigtime control & planner person & have to learn big time that kids don't always follow my desires. Not sure if that makes sense now that I've written it - I'm not even sure why I've written it.

I don't have any creative ways to tell family members w/o stirring lots of interest. One way to look at it is that people will be so very excited for you & your DH & that's why they get all abuzz. I like to think of it as all of these people that already love the baby but don't even know him/her yet.

I had some other thought to share, but my 4 YO son keeps asking to go out into the snow & my preggo brain can't handle that level of multitasking (LOL) at the moment!

ant

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 6:41pm

btw, i just figured out the loislane = journalist bit. I always had you pegged as a lawyer for some reason! I thought perhaps your DH was superman or looked like him!

ant

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2002
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 5:15am
Welcome LoisLane!
I think especially if you've had a loss and have been TTC and have not shared that with everyone it can feel strange to finally share the news that you're expecting. I know I felt uncomfortable finally announcing this baby to family since trying for it has been a secret for the past 2 years of my life. I was really hoping word would spread and I wouldn't have to tell anyone! There was this sense for me that having this healthy pregnancy is the end of a journey we've been on TTC and going through our losses, but to everyone else it looks like it's the beginning of something new in our lives. I have just felt much more private about it than I expected. Don't know if that helps at all, just thought I'd share my experience!
I think if you wanted to announce it without making a big hooplah you could tell them you have some exciting news, a big surprise, or a big announcement. Sometimes that gives them a minute to come up with the ideas on their own and then your announcement isn't as much of a shocker! I'm sure they'll be excited. Good luck!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 3:47pm

I know exactly how you feel! Hubby and I just had this discussion. We both agree that we will tell immediate family when we see them at xmas (I will be 13 weeks exactly), but we definitely do not agree about telling his extended family (which is VERY large - my husband has 7 aunts and uncles who are all married with kids and grandkids). I am feeling extremely anxious about it. It's not that I mind that they know, it's just that I don't feel confident enough to be talking a lot about this pregnancy yet. Not to mention the fact that I don't want to be a main event at xmas with this huge group of people. Hubby feels that we can't tell some people and leave others in the dark, but I really disagree. I'm not sure how we're going to resolve this.

In any case, we plan to tell his parents and sister by handing them the ultrasound picture. We always share pictures when we visit at xmas, so we'll sneak it in the stack. At least we'll get to test the news out on them before telling extended family, I guess.

I know this probably wasn't much help, but hopefully you know that you aren't alone in your feelings! I think it's perfectly normal after experiencing a loss.

Crystal
EDD 7/2/06

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 9:09pm

Wow - our DHs must be long lost twins!

Mine doesn't understand why in the world I would feel so squirrely. It's hard to explain to him, too. I just hate the idea of being made to feel like a sideshow. It's not that these folks are mean-spirited; they mean well and are great people. It's just that I already feel like a spectacle just by virtue of being pg in the first place and for the first time. I feel like I just want to run hide in a back room as soon as we tell them. I guess DH doesn't understand b/c he grew up with these people so it's no big deal to him, but I didn't and they still feel a little bit more like strangers to me. I actually feel less dread in telling my boss and co-workers than I do telling them. I know that sounds odd but it's true.

I will also be nearly 13 weeks when we go visit. I think part of it is we still have to clear all the tests - quad screen and level 2 u/s and possibly amnio. I'm becoming less nervous about m/c now and starting to worry about birth defects. I'm 40, so I got the "you're old and at high risk for all these bad things" speech from the OB.

We leave on Sunday and will arrive Monday afternoon. Please let me know if you and your DH come to some resolution on this. I'll be interested in hearing your solution. Thanks for your note -it made me not feel so weird.

Good luck to you,

LoisLane

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 1:39am

I talked to my husband in more depth about it and he told me that his family will wonder why they weren't told if we don't give them the news at xmas. I finally asked him why their feelings are more important than mine and I think that made something click in his brain because then he said, "Okay. We'll see how we feel."

Who knows, maybe once I'm there and see his family, I'll feel like sharing. If not, I think my hubby got the point that I need his support to help me feel more secure about this so early in the game. I'm feeling much too vulnerable right now to be able to handle questions and well wishes from so many people who don't know what we went through just last March!

I'm not sure that this helps, but hopefully you know that you aren't alone in your feelings!

Crystal
EDD 7/2/06