bonding while you're doubting...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
bonding while you're doubting...
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 1:12am
I seem to be having an extraordinarily difficult time bonding with my little one. I can't even seem to imagine the possibility of bringing a baby home this spring - I'm just so afraid that the minute I manage to make it real in my mind and heart, something bad will happen. Like I can keep the "bad" away simply by keeping my pg a secret, even from myself. I know it sounds irrational, but does anyone understand what I'm talking about? I want so bad to take the advice of my close friends and "relax & enjoy this pregnancy", but someone please tell my how the hell you do that?!? I can't even relax and enjoy a day at the park! Anyway, any advice on how to let go of the weight of doom so as to slip into the regular rhythm of pg, please send my way. Thanks.

misty dawn

edd 4/8/04

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2003
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 11:42am


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 1:16pm
Misty Dawn - I struggle with the same irrationality as you do. But here are my thoughts on the subject. Last time I was pg we had a troubled pregnancy from the start. I even heard the heartbeat and saw the baby on ultrasound. I think I even felt the baby move, knowing that I had a troubled pg and there was a good chance that I might lose the baby, didn't make my heart hurt any less when it happened. I honestly believe that once you get that positive pg test and the hormones have kicked in you have already bonded. Someone posted on here once that every baby deserves to be loved. And by us being in denial isn't going to make a loss any easier. But every baby does deserve to be loved and those words are helping me put things into a different perspective. No we haven't told our families or friends about the pregnancy. That is just to protect us (God forbid if something bad should happen) I don't want to hear all the ridiculous comments from my family. Last time I made the mistake of telling my sister about our loss and with every word that came out of her mouth I wanted to strangle her. Bottom line is unless it has happened to you - you have no idea what it is like. So yes in that respect I am protecting myself - I don't choose to look at it as a secret. But again - it is all about perspective. Basically what I am trying to tell you is that I believe that we have - as mothers- already bonded. We can try to fool our minds, but our hearts and our bodies already know the truth.

I'm sorry if that is too deep. I had no intention of writing this much. Once I started it all just came out. Hang in there and know that we are all in this together and are here for each other and we have to believe that deep in our hearts everything will be fine. The mind is a very powerful tool


Mom to Corrin 11/21/98

Andrew 5/21/01

Angel 2/20/03

Baby to Be 3/10/04

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 3:09pm
I don't know the answer to your ? but I do know that I am feeling the same way. It's like if I acknowledge that I am pg and really want this baby it will be taken away from me. Whenever I think about being pg I think, "ok the tests say I am, but I am not really". Like bringing a baby home in May is impossible. Does that make any sense? If you figure out a way to relax and enjoy, please let me know. I just hope that time (and healthy progressing pg) will take care of this problem for both of us. (((hugs)))


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 3:43pm
Hi Misty Dawn,

I don't post a lot on this board, but I had to reply to this one. I don't think it's abnormal at all what you are feeling. I would bet that most of the women on this board have felt the same way at some point. When I got pg with my ds after my first m/c, I swore I was not going to let myself become attached, figuring that if something happened maybe I wouldn't be as sad. I worried the whole time. Sure I felt a little better after seeing the heartbeat and hearing it and then better every day as I felt him move, but it was never the same as that first blissful pregnancy. I was angry. Angry that that feeling of total happiness at being pregnant had been taken away from me. Last year I was pg again, and I took on the same attitude. Trying not to care. When I found out I was going to miscarry I was devastated. My "plan" didn't work. In fact, I felt guilty that maybe if I had been more excited or hopeful, that things would have gone better. All totally crazy of course, but my point is, I agree with the previous post. I think you can't stop yourself from bonding with your baby from the very start. I know that as soon as I got that positive test, I started hoping, planning, dreaming. Even if I didn't say anything to anyone, it was still there.

We are now starting week 17 of a new pregnancy. I have constantly worried. I think it is impossible not to after you've suffered a loss, but I told myself that this time things would be different. I would start loving this baby from the day I knew it was on its way. I would try to remain hopeful. My OB's nurse said something to me that really struck a chord with me. She asked me how things were going and I said, "Okay for now, just hoping everything will be alright this time." She said, "We don't hope, we BELIEVE." I am really trying hard to remember that.

Every day it gets easier. I remember that when I found out I was pg on July 3rd, I was only 9 dpo. I thought..."now if I can just make it to the end of the month" and then when that day passed, "now if I can just make it to 9 1/2 wks" (the point at which I lost my other two,) then it was just getting through the anniversary of my m/c. I counted out the months from July until March figuring if I could just make it throught he summer. I even thought "Wow, that would be great if I was still pg when school started in Sept." It seemed like an eternity. Every little ache, pain, cramp would send me right back to worrying. I tried to believe that this time things would be different. Now here I am, July came and went, the anniversary I dreaded, Summer has passed, school has been in session for weeks. It's almost October and I'm still pregnant! Wow, we even made it long enough to tell our older kids. I won't say that I've stopped worrying because I haven't. I have done some things I never considered renting the home doppler. It may be unnecessary, but it has added to my peace of mind. I talked to my doctor about my fears. I told him I don't even want to discuss labor/delivery or any of that until after Christmas. He is totally fine with that. I took a huge step at my last appt and scheduled my OB visits for the rest of the year. It was huge for me.

I've rambled on, but just try to believe that everything will be fine. Take one day at a time. I like to think of taking little "baby steps", celebrate each little milestone. If thinking of the due date so far away seems like too much, then take each month or week or even day. Every day that passes gives you a better chance of carrying to term. Get the statistics from your doctor if that helps. Somehow hearing "less than 1% chance of a miscarriage at this point" really made me feel better.

I don't think we can ever completely "relax" about the pregnancy, but we can try to enjoy little steps along the way. Surround yourself with supportive friends/family.

Wishing you all the best for a healthy pregnancy.