I just want to be happy (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
I just want to be happy (long)
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 6:33pm
I just posted this on the pg after stillborn site but I think that I need to post it here too....

Like I said I just want to be happy. Yesterday I had a breakdown and cried and asked why, over and over again. I know that he's dead and he won't be coming back but why? Why what? I don't know! I think that I was lucky to have him for 18 days. when I think about it, but damnit I have to like it!! and I really didn't have him that long, we took him to the doc the day before, then he was rushed to the ER, then the CICU because he was turning blue! the doctors and nurses couldn't -DIDN'T- know what was wrong...but they kept saying (in the beginning) that he would get better. But he got sicker and sicker and sicker and then he died. That was in April, now I'm pg again (6 week) and hate feeling this way! ~SAD~ that is what I feel. DAMNIT, I want to be happy about this pg! but I'm scare something will go wrong. Do you ladies feel this way too? We said that we wanted to try as soon as we could, and we did AND IT WORKED! to tell you the truth, faster then I thought. Yes, I hoped, but I didn't ~THINK~ that it would happen so fast. I'm afraid to tell people, I don't want them to know. I don't want to see "the look" in their eyes. You know that look, the "are you sure you can do it again?" look. My babies are going to be 11 months apart! After I had Nelyn I thought that it would be nice to have another one close in age to him, about a 1yr to 18months apart. BUT I don't ever want to hear this child say to me "well you only had me because Nelyn died!"

Okay maybe I'm thinking to far -much to far- ahead, but don't we all? Does or is anyone else having babies so close together? My mom think that I'm having twins! (want a giggle read http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-ppttcal&msg=27980.1&ctx=2048 to see what happened...and she still doesn't know. I plan on sending sister L a letter so that she can give it to my mom to tell her if she's right or wrong.)

I guess what I needed to do what say something to someone, my dh thinks that I need to talk to a scyph or someone about this. I think that DAMNIT I just loss my baby son 2 1/2 months ago and it okay to break down once in awhile, I know he's dead and not coming back. I don't need to pay someone to tell that to, that's what these boards/posts are for. :~)

thanks for listening to me rant on and on. I know that things work themselves out, because there are NO u-turns on the road of live, only different ways to go forward.


momma to Brandon (16), Lorren(14) & ^i^ Nelyn 4/7-25/04 of whopping cough

& a lil one coming in early March

lynnesiggybyruby1.png picture by bluebox5

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 9:52am
Lynne~ I am so sorry for your loss! There just aren't any words that make it better. Yes I feel scared something will happen again, but I guess anyone who has any kind of loss does and will no matter how many success's they have afterwards. I just keep telling myself that it will be OK~wow how lame is that?! But I do! I'm pretty good at convincing myself too. That and I have my Dr keep closer tabs, Plus keep ajournal about daily things, what i do, feel,eat, when i go to work~ just everything. It's good that you want to be happy~it's also natural to feel scared and sad. We haven't told hardly anyone about this pg~ they can know when i'm showing or just think i'm getting fat. I hope you start feeling better and can become happy about this pg, Cograts and many P&PT go out to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 10:40am
My heart is breaking for you. I have tears in my eyes just reading your post. I wish so much that you could have had longer than 18 days with your son. It's not fair. I'm so sorry they couldn't help him.

I think it would be a good idea to talk to someone (therapist/counselor) or join a parent grief group or both. You definitely are still grieving (and have every right to be grieving) and need help to get through these rough days. You need to cry and/or do whatever you need to do to get through this. Can your OB recommend a support group? Or give you a referral to a therapist?

It will take some time, but you will be happy again. It's normal to feel scared after a loss. Being pregnant again, will certainly bring all your feelings about your son to the surface again. Do what you can to keep yourself healthy for the new baby's sake.

I wish I could be there to offer a hug in real life.