Tubal without husband's consent

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Tubal without husband's consent
10
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 12:16pm
Husband and I have one child and another on the way. Pregnancy hasn't been good to me. He insists on "at least one more". I insist "NO MORE!" I want a tubal ligation, where they separate and cauterize(sp?) the tubes for 100% effectiveness. Husband says absolutely NOT! I don't want to end my marriage over this, and counceling isn't in either one of our game plans. How can I get a tubal without him knowing it? Does he have to sign a consent? I heard that wives have to sign a consent for husband's vasectomy - is that true for tubals? Also, from what I understand, it's just an in and out proceedure in one day, with no overnight hospital stay. Can someone enlighten me? Anyone whose had this done? How long for your recovery? Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 2:16pm
Now i hope i am not going to be steping on your toes or anything... But i really feel this is something you need to work out with your husband. Think if the situation was reverse and you wanted another child and he went behind your back and got a vasectamy. Now i'm not saying you are obligated to have another child, i just feel you and your hubby should come to an agreement. Maybe there are other options of having another child without you having the child. Who knows, that is up to you two.

Another thing to think about which i pray will not be your case, but what if something went wrong with the tubal and you have to be hospitalized? You'll be faced with him finding out and do you know how he would react? Not to mention relatively easy procedures are relative to each women. My mother once has a different procedure (a procedure similar to a D&C but a little different) that was suppose to be easy enough to go to work the next day... Needless to say she didn't go back to work the rest of the week. That is anothing thing to think about.

I am not too familar with tubals, but i think it would be best to work this out with your husband and possibly find something that you both agree on. I am sorry if any of this offends you, that is not what i had intended.

Best Wishes

Dani

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 2:23pm
Hi shih_tzu_tao_tao, welcome!

It may depend on the laws in your location and the policy of the doctor(s) you are consulting. I don’t know, but my guess would be that consent will be required unless there is a serious health problem involved. In addition to a TL there is also Essure http://www.essure.com/consumer/c_homepage.aspx It is new form of permanent contraception where the woman’s tubes are blocked. In either case there is some amount of time after the procedure for recovery, though Essure is far less invasive. Have you considered an IUD? It is about as effective as a TL, lasts for 5-10 years and is reversible. Would that be an acceptable alternative?

Before you decide to proceed with some form of permanent sterilization without you and DH reaching an agreement I would decide if it is worth the chance that it might destroy your marriage if he were to find out. Let us know what you decide, ok?

Hugs,

      Jill

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 05-30-2004 - 6:06pm

Just reiterating what the others have said...you don't want to end your marriage over this disagreement - but when he finds out later on down the road (and he will, you know, it always happens that way) the lying and lack of trust will surely be worse on your partnership.


But....none of us know all the ins and outs of your relationship, and certainly I could imagine some situations in which discretion would be both ethical and advisable.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 9:07am
Any "credible" doctor would have the husband sign a consent. A tubal is an outpatient procedure but it is done under general anestethia(you will be put to sleep). So, when you do come home that day you most likely will be "out of it" and that would be hard to hide from your husband! If you get a tubal right after the birth of your child, thats a different story. You will already be in the hospital. And if you have a C-section, they can do it while your abdomen is still open; much easier.

I hope you can discuss this with your husband. If need be, include your ob. I was reluctant to have something permanent done but after awhile I realized it was the best thing to do. Maybe your husband will see this in time. Otherwise, I would agree with the others and opt for an IUD. If I remember correctly, it can be inserted right after the birth of your child. Take care and the best to you and your family on the birth of your baby!

~Josie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 1:36pm
I have to disagree with the previous poster's ideas about physician credibility (I happen to be one...). The role of a physician is to help you carry out YOUR wishes with regard to your body and your health, and there are plenty of gynecologists who will be more than willing to perform a tubal. I would consult an actual gynecologist, however, since family physicians are trained to look at the entire family situation (which includes your husband) rather than just you.

I do agree that you and your hubby should try to work this out, but the bottom line is this: He has no right to your body, only you do. Your marriage vows did not include that you had to give him the rights to your reproductive health decisions, and if he cannot respect that YOU are the one who carries the children to term and it is YOUR body that undergoes the risks of pregnancy and childbirth then he has a serious problem and it seems to me that he does not respect you the way that he should.

If you are looking for an efficient and long-term alternative to the tubal which will leave the door open to future pregnancies (or perhaps carry you through to menopause if you'd like to blame mother nature :) ), I'd suggest Norplant. These are 6 little pieces of plastic-y looking material that are inserted just under the skin of your arm. They are the most long-lasting and efficient method of birth control aside from the IUD, but they aren't associated with higher levels of complications and infections like the IUD. I'd suggest steering clear of an IUD if you already have reproductive health problems.

Good luck working this out- Try some counseling (can't hurt, might help) if you can't come to an agreement on your own, but do remember that you are the one who takes the risks and your health should mean more to your husband than your being a "baby factory."

Best wishes,

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 2:32pm
My SO went and got an IUD after the birth of our second child, without consulting with me on it at all. That almost ended our relationship. I realize her position there, but the fact remains, it is her body, and she can do as she pleases with it, but if she wants me in her life, she needs to consult with me over things of this nature. If she had done the tubal, it would have been over, without a word said. And if your husband still wants kids as I do, he will not take a tubal well at all, if he takes it. He may just pack and go, as I would have. The IUD is not a very viable alternative in my opinion, as within a week I had hit it with the head of my penis during entercourse, and it put an end to it right then and there. She still has the IUD after 6 monthes, and now I have to use one of two positions so that I do not hit it. It really hurts to have it stab into your penis while doing something as pleasurable as love making. I think IUD's should go back on the illegal list, but that is MHO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 3:22pm
I don't think your experience w/the IUD is typical. IN Europe its highly utilized and there are like 7 different types. The only reason the IUD got a bad rap in the US is because the FDA approved the dalkon shield which allowed bacteria to wick up into the uterus and cause infertility/PID. I happen to be one of the women who can't tolerate oral contraceptives/hormones and I LOVED the IUD. IN particular, the Copper T, rather than the Mirena which has progesterone in it. I understand what everyone is saying about the tubal/sterilization. I think its important for anyone no matter what to keep in mind that you can't know what the future will be like 10 years down the road, or even 5 years down the road...even if you have a supposed "plan" for those 5 years. I know my husband had a vasectomy when our youngest was 3 years of age and to me this was perfect because he was past the infancy stage where so many things can go wrong, and he was past the age where you are pulling your hair out trying to take care of an infant. And despite waiting 3 years after the birth of our 2nd child to get sterilized, now 3 years after that I wanted a child badly for two years. So things change even when you think they can't. I would have loved to have another child but that can't happen in my marriage now. Also, when I was 18 I tried calling various clinics to get sterilized and of course no one would let me due to my age. I just reiterate that things change and people do too. I think an IUD is a perfect alternative to sterilization. The string should always be left long so it doesn't poke the partner during intercourse. It can always be trimmed shorter if desired but once cut too short it can't be fixed. Also, even if you managed to get a tubal done w/out your husband knowing, inevitably the question would continue rising about why you are not getting pregnant and your one lie by ommission would turn into lie after lie after lie. Eventually your husband would probably find out no matter what, unless you are willing to lie to him the rest of your marriage. I do think if he demanded you have another child or he would divorce you then he would need to divorce you and maybe that is for the best. There is more to marriage than just making babies. I could leave my husband if I wanted because he can't father more children but I think that my family and my children and the lives we have together are far more important than divorcing my husband to have another child. If that makes sense. I think there is probably a part in your husband that just needs to come to that point where he can see that and a part of him that understands that you do not want any more children at all. Who knows, 5 or 10 years later you might change your mind. But right now you don't want any more children in your life. Who can blame you really? I know some people have a definite plan of how many children they are going to have but I don't think most people do. I think things happen depending on extenuating circumstances a lot of the time rather than our plan...and sometimes its for the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 3:23pm
I did some research, and as of December of last year, Norplant has not been available in the USA; the FDA withdrew this type of birth control. I was unable to find anything more current.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 6:12pm
Hi Josie,

I agree. Wyeth withdrew Norplant from the U. S. market See: http://www.fda.gov/medwatch/SAFETY/2002/norplant.htm

      Jill

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 7:12pm
Thanks Jill! I was looking at fda.gov but obviously wasnt getting where I wanted!

Josie