ladies - your advice is needed...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
ladies - your advice is needed...
4
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 8:24am
Big dilemma around birth control. Here's the situation:

My wife and I have 4 wonderful kids, all under the age of 7. I truly love my family but find life to be extremely busy and somewhat financially trying as we are a single-income family (my wife stays home with the pre-school kids).

Going from 3 to 4 kids was a difficult decision for us, well, frankly, for me. I was stressed over finances but moreover, felt somewhat overwhelmed with a busy job and three little children. I did not want a 4th, I just wanting to spend more time raising and getting to really know the little ones we aleady had. I pushed back for over one year, but finally relented because I love my wife and wanted to give her what is so very important to her -- birthing and raising a large family.

Here's where the big dilemma fits in...

A big, big part of my agreeing to 4 kids, was a "promise" made to me by my wife that in going from 3 kids to 4, she would definitely be "done" and would not want us to have a #5. At that time, I also gently discussed with her that I would want to get a vasectomy after the fourth was born. She agreed.

Well, here we are, about 2 years later, with four kids. My wife is vehemently opposed to me having a vasectomy because although she too feels that 4 kids is a great number and a lot for her to manage every day, we may in time, want to have a fifth.

I really love my wife, we have a good marriage and I want to make her happy. But I am 100% opposed to having another child. I feel somewhat resentful that she has changed her mind and it is the one stress point in our relationship. Currently, we are using a condom during sex, which happens incidentally, very infrequently because of my huge fears around getting pregnant again.

Bottom line, the stress of this situation is driving me nuts. Every time I raise the vasectomy discussion, we always end of getting nowhere. At this point, I am very seriously considering just getting the vasectomy without her approval. I hate the idea of doing something like this without her being in full allignment with me, but I feel it would be far, far, less difficult than us getting pregnant again.

Any suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 9:02am
Welcome!

After two children, I wanted a third and my husband was done. For 6 years I still wanted that 3rd child. What finally changed my mind? Several things. First, my age. I was 38. I was aware of the risks to me, and the baby at that age. Second, my youngest was almost 6 and things were getting easier. Having another baby would be a big change(there were only 2 years between the two). Third, like ya'll, finacially we were fine with 2, but a third child might make it a little harder. I stay home with my children also, though now that they are both in school I am looking to go back to teaching. Finally, one month my period was out of the norm and I thought I might be pregnant. I was scared of the thought. Thats when I really new it was time to do something!

My husband had a vasectomy and it was the right thing to do. I dont know though, that it is something you could (or should) hide from your wife. Maybe you could talk some more. Tell her about my experience. I hope this helps you. Let us know how things go.

Best wishes,

Josie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 9:10am
Wow, I am glad to hear your story! It sounds so similiar to mine! And I am the woman in this situation.

First, if you love your relationship, you wont do anything behind each others backs. BE honest and although it may hurt, you have to talk and agree with whatever you chose.

Second, my hubby is EXACTLY like you. And I am a little like your wife, but I had agreed to a tubal while preg with #4, so I did. I wish to have more,and I am not sure when that maternal feeling will go away, probably when the kids reach the ages of the other poster. It is natural for a woman to want to retain her "fertility" so to speak and it is natural for a man to say I am done with it.

Try to discuss it with her, maybe try the new ring for her or something It would give you the relaxation and fun back into things!

Good luck!

Dawn

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 8:27pm
Josie, very helpful, thanks!

Was it six years before your husband had a vasectomy? How did it make you feel when your husband said he was done?

I don't think I can wait much longer. Just this past month, my wife was just a few days late. I was a basketcase. She told me this morning that it had finally come last night. Instead of being content, I find myself repeatedly asking her, "are you sure?". Per your comment, this anxiety is telling me its time to do it.

Thanks again...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 9:15am
My last child was born in 1998. My husband had the vasectomy in Feb of this year. We were given the go-ahead to forgo all other forms of birth control (for us, condoms) in June.

Actually, when I got pregnant with my second child, my husband said he was done! He comes from a small family(he has a sister) and I come from a family of 8! How old is your wife? If she is still in her 20's she could be thinking "Im too young to be considering not having anymore children. I still can have more safely". If she is in her mid-30's she could be thinking (as I may have) "Im not getting older. I still have my fertility and can have more children if I want". Or she may just love babies! I know I do! I miss those days and every opportunity I have to hold a baby I take it! Spit-up and all! But at my age I realize the risks to me and the baby(though I know now days people are starting families in their 40s. My Mom was 46 when I was born!) Maybe your wife, like me, will come around to the idea when she reaches this age. Let me know if there is anything else and best wishes to you and your family!

Josie