need some advic about my son

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2008
need some advic about my son
21
Fri, 06-12-2009 - 4:37pm

My son Sam just turned 4 last month. For the last year or so he's been crying to me and his dad that he wants to be a girl. This happens maybe once a week. I tell him if he was a girl then he wouldn't be himself and I love him just the way he is. His favorite color is pink and he is constantly asking for pink things. I painted a wall in his room pink and bought pink sheets for his bed. Now he is asking for a pink shirt and pink pants.

So what would you do? Would you buy him pink clothes and let him wear them to school or would you enforce gender stereotypes? And what would you tell your young son when he cries because he isn't a girl?

Thanks for the help.

Michelle

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Fri, 06-12-2009 - 5:21pm

<<>>

I'd not be 100% comfortable with DS wearing pink pants (pink shirt I'd be fine with), but I'd like to think that I'd let him wear whatever colour clothing he wanted.

My DS did go through a stage where he said that he wanted to be a girl, he was older than your son, but I can't remember exactly how old, 7 I think. My DS never became tearful about it however. I simply told him that when he is a grown-up he can be whatever he wants, including female.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2009
Fri, 06-12-2009 - 5:58pm
Ooh, that's a tough situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2006
Fri, 06-12-2009 - 7:41pm

I'm sorry your son is so sad.

Disney Sig
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Fri, 06-12-2009 - 8:12pm

I see you are pregnant, does he know? Is there talk of wanting a girl? Are there many girl cousins/friends/neighbours close by perhaps he just wants to fit in with them? Could it be that he doesn't relate as well with the things/activities boys typically enjoy together, so has decided that he's be better suited to being a girl.(self protection)
I would also be curious what it is about being a girl that he likes so much? Is it just the colour pink? Does he have issues with his own body parts?
This is a difficult situation as you do not want to make him uncomfortable with his own feelings but also need him to be aware how others may react to him.
Children have many phases and many do pass. Only you as a parent can tell if your boy is happy and secure in his life/heart. If you feel there is something more to it it wouldn't hurt to speak with a professional for some guidance.

Best Wishes
Liesl

March
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2008
Fri, 06-12-2009 - 8:16pm

I have asked him and he says it's because he likes the clothes girls wear. he likes that they have long hair and wear ribbons and sparkles etc.

I always thought I'd let him wear whatever color he wants, but it's a lot harder than I imagined once confronted. I'm worried about teasing and comments because he's really sensitive. it's tough.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Fri, 06-12-2009 - 8:23pm
You could allow him to wear whatever he wants at home, and then have less bully-attracting clothes for school. You could tell him that according to the school's dress code that he must wear his "school clothes" on school days. From my experience, kids generally just accept school rules. In fact, with my DS he accepts the school's rules much, much more readily than home rules *sigh*.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2006
Sat, 06-13-2009 - 2:06pm

Aw, sweet little boys just break my heart! (hug)
I have a sweet little boy, aged 8, and he's just so GOOD in his heart...

What to do?
What to do?

How I wish this didn't even have to be a thing to worry about. But we all know that kids will tease and we want to avoid our little one's getting their "selves" trampled on.

There is, of course, preparing him for possible unkindness at school.
What about wearing some pink undershirts or t shirts?
I WANT to say, "BAH, wear what you want to wear!" But I have one of these sensitive guys too and it would break my heart if he were taunted for...well, for anything! (smile)
As for the long hair, let him grow it if he wishes, would be my suggestion, though adornments might be flashy while at home...
I wonder if he would take red as a substitution?
I've seen some nice pink and navy shirts at Macys...

Michelle, I can see you trying VERY hard to do the "right" thing. And the right thing is ALWAYS what is best for your child. In this case of such a gray area, I'm sure what is best will be a process as he grows.

Lots of good suggestions, thoughts, and encouragements from this group!

Either way, GOOD LUCK, (((HUGS))), and
Peace,
Karen

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2008
Sat, 06-13-2009 - 10:14pm
His/Her identity is still forming at this point, but I would say let your son/daughter wear whatever he/she feels comfortable in.



Kids can be cruel at times, but honestly I would say denying ones true nature/feelings is worse than whatever treatment others may dish out.



If your child is true to himself/herself at an early age then maybe the young peers will get accustomed to it early.



Big note, IF her feelings continue into the next few years, be prepared to take your daughter to a doctor in order to get testosterone blockers before she hits puberty. She will feel like her body is betraying her if she goes through puberty without proper medical therapy.




iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2006
Sun, 06-14-2009 - 1:06pm

I've been thinking about this further. And I talked to my 8 year old son and HIS suggestion is 'Wear whatever you want! So what what people say!"

Also, at age 4, it's certainly easier to give him the pink and flashy, sparkly stuff he wants. Since I'm not there, it's just be gut instinct to suggest that you allow his to be as "girly" as he wishes to be.
Does this suggest anything "for the future"? I have no idea. And so what if it did. I remember my son wanting to wear pink when he was four. He still does sometimes. I just remembered this!

Anyway, how are you doing these days with this?
Karen

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Registered: 08-15-2008
Sun, 06-14-2009 - 6:02pm
Does this suggest anything "for the future"?



Good question and who knows? At such a young age these feelings may be fleeting and mean absolutely nothing or on the other hand it could be a definitive sign of whats to come.



Anyway, how are you doing these days with this?



Me? I've never been through it, but I know some people who have. I don't envy them. It seems like a very difficult situation from both the position of parent or child.




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