Update on my situation...poss. trigs
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| Sat, 10-18-2003 - 11:58am |
But then he was telling me how I should go on a short trip with him for a break (yeah, like I want to take a 5-hour drive with someone who has just lectured me like that!), and that I should stay at home while looking for a job, at least until the Prozac starts working. First he makes me feel guilty about interfering with their life, and then he tells me I would be better off staying there! He also asked me if maybe I should pursue a different career, maybe even look into a graphic arts program...but when I said I'm not really interested in graphic arts, he told me sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do! It seems I can say nothing right...
I honestly don't want to live, and I want to tell them that...but of course that will only get me more of a lecture and more time at home. But I feel like there are no options for my life...clearly I am just lazy or undisciplined because I can't manage things on my own. And my parents want me to stay here and volunteer for a bit (only "to get experience for working" as a "very short-term measure," as my father said), and then get a job...but I can't bear to have them constantly watching me, and urging me on with guilt or "discussions" about my laziness.
I had even been feeling a good bit better physically this morning...maybe from sleeping with an electric blanket, I don't know, it's strange...but now it feels as though my life can't go on. My mom did even suggest going on disability, but the way she said it was the same way she talks about the possibility of using prescription narcotics...that it's an incredibly horrible idea, and that I would be "condemning" myself to a life of unemployment and boredom. And then my dad's lecture clearly showed that he doesn't even think that's a possibility...that I just need to get myself together.
It's almost my 23rd birthday, as my dad pointed out, to tell me that I should be on my own...and I don't think I can manage it when I feel as though my life is worthless. Especially when I am in physical pain and no one here will listen, or even believe me.
Thanks to you all for listening,
Rose

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I'm here for you. You're life is not over. I know what you are going through. I'm 20 years old and living at home with my parents. I haven't been working lately either because I am suffering from a panic disorder that makes me uncomfortable being around large groups of people. Lately I've stopped eating and I've been sleeping all day too. My condition has also resulted in physical pain and I know what you mean about the electric blanket...they work wonders. I want to tell you that my parents are frustrated with my condition and my future too. I'm curious as to what profession you're looking into. Please don't give up though. With you writing about your problems lets others know they're not alone...like me. I think with time and a positive outlook, you can beat your ailments and show your parents just how amazing you really are. I hope things start looking up for you. I also hope to read another posting soon.
You'll be in my thoughts,
Erika
I am sorry that the meeting with your parents went the way it did.
I sure would think that your father would have more empathy for
all the physical pain you are suffering.
I know it has been a long hard way for you and nothing seemed to
help so far. But you can't quit yet. Somebody on the board said
"you never know what's around the corner"
a few days ago and I really like that. You don't know what will
happen next. I am sure life a has some good things in store for
you too.
I just really wishe there was medication that could ease your pain,
because I am pretty sure your depression would get much better also
in connection with a body that doesn't hurt.
Please keep hanging on.
Love from
Tammy
Have patience with them, they love you. Have patience with yourself too. I am not going to vent about my sucky life, but imagine being 33 Italian american catholic, unmarried, underemployed, in debt up to your eyeballs, unable to pursue your life's goal because of finances and depression. This is not to make you feel bad for me, but to say, we ALL are too self critcal and we all deal with lots of hard things and we all try. So try ....we are here for you no matter what!!!!!!!
I don't know if I made any sense. I am doing rather poorly as of late.
Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
Even if I did end up going to med school, which seems really unlikely now, it wouldn't start for another year...so I don't know what I would do for this year...I have had, and quit, several jobs already in the past few months...which has really led to a lot of disappointment on my part and my parents'.
I'm sorry you're struggling with a panic disorder...that must be really tough. My most recent job (which I have pretty much quit because of medical reasons) was teaching in front of a group, and I found that really hard, and I know I came off as really nervous...so I can hardly imagine doing that with a panic problem. In the past, I have had some panic attacks also...especially when I have to speak in front of people... I've gotten the feeling that nothing is real, etc...I know that is so hard. What kind of work were you doing until lately?
Thanks for your encouraging comments, too...but I feel like I am only going to be more of a disappointment to my parents in the years to come. With the combination of my birthday coming up, the cold weather setting in (which makes my pain worse), the lectures from my parents, and all my own worries, I feel like my life is not worth living. No one seems to understand that I have so much trouble working...and I can't even enjoy life from moment to moment because of the physical pain.
Sorry to start complaining again...it's nice to "meet" you (if I haven't talked to you before, I'm not sure)...hope to talk to you again!
Rose
And he plays on all my own doubts and insecurities...I always think I should have accomplished more by this time of my life...and he points out in the paper a guy my age who is a successful business founder already...and tells me that I need to get a more "normal" life, that it would benefit both me and my parents. Oh, well...guess I should stop ruminating, that always gets me into trouble with my depression!
But mainly (one last thing!), I am coming to realize that I am such a disappointment to everyone who knows me and who had high expectations for me. And I even disappoint myself...as my dad said to me, "You CAN'T be happy" in this situation...and of course I'm not. Everyone my age, it seems, is out there accomplishing things, in medical school or working overseas or founding companies...or even just smaller things, like my sister getting her masters degree and then trying to decide where to go from there.
And I don't even know what I want to do...but everything I COULD want to do, I can't do physically. I don't see anyone during the day except my parents (which they have told me should change, and I know I should get out some), so they influence me a lot...and I know they must think I'm so lazy or unmotivated when I just sit and read the paper all day... and accomplish nothing...but I'm just trying to distract myself from the pain...I can't even seem to put a coherent thought together because of the piercing jolts of pain throughout my body.
Well, sorry, I guess I put too many thoughts together in this post...didn't mean for it to get so long? How are you doing, by the way? Sorry I haven't kept up with things much lately.
But here's my depressing dilemma (poss. triggers): I can't seem to do what I want to do, or even what I need to do...and the physical pain is overwhelming...but no one will understand or help me...so I will end up just a disappointment and a burden. I know there is a chance things could change, but it doesn't look like a good chance...as my doctor just told me, my condition is incurable. So I don't see any good reason to live...I don't want to hurt my parents, but at this point I've already hurt them and disappointed them a lot anyway. I don't know what to do.
A friend of my mom's even gave her the name of a woman who runs a fibromyalgia support group in Atlanta...but I am too scared to call, I just don't know what to say, and I break out into tears whenever I talk honestly about this...plus my dad's at home and would probably hear me. And I don't think she would be able to help much, either.
I just need a way out of this pain and guilt...and I don't see one.
Thanks for listening,
Rose
Thanks...you make some good points. It's a little hard for me to understand how I could be "raising" my parents, though...but I think I see what you mean. I just have so much trouble throwing out the negative, especially when it comes from my dad...because a lot of times it mirrors my own doubts about myself. I know that my parents just don't know how to help at this point...I wish I knew how I could help myself, and in the process, help them. I'm trying to be patient, but it's hard when the physical pain is so constant and overwhelming, and nothing seems to be improving...and when my dad says I need to get a job "very soon."
I know you are dealing with some hard things, too, as are a lot of people on this board...I'm not trying to trivialize any of it...and I do really admire you all for trying in spite of it all. But I feel like I have been trying for so long...and I have been a burden on my parents for so long (my mom told my therapist last week that she's been worried about me for the past 5 years!)...that I have to call it quits at some point.
And I've tried and tried to get and keep a job...I've quit 3 or 4 since this summer because of my medical problems. I could try again, but I don't want to quit again... so I don't want to accept a job that I feel I can't do...and I am in so much pain I can hardly think straight, much less work 8 hours a day. So maybe things will work out eventually...but right now I feel like I'm in a major dilemma, and there seems to be no solution.
Thanks, again, for caring...and I'm tired now, too, so I'm not sure if I made sense,
Rose
I even tried telling my mom that I don't think I'm depressed except as a result of this pain...that when I felt better physically, I could accomplish what I wanted to, and then I wasn't depressed (at least recently...for several years I was depressed for no apparent "reason."). But she asked if maybe I've been depressed for so long, that I'm still depressed and just don't realize it? And I know she's justified it asking it...of course I can't be sure that I'm not generally depressed for no reason...
Sorry to ramble again, thanks again for understanding,
Rose
There are so many things that I could say to your post.....
sort of a "Been there, Still doing that......" (And I am nearing 40.)
Your post really touched me.
I can really relate to it....
I am sorry that you are going through this.
Since I am in a *down* cycle in my own depression ~
responses are tough for me, just now.
I did want you to know that I understand.
I wanted to try and say that chances are pretty good that your folks are not going to understand. (They will understand if they have problems with depression..... but from your post I would say that they are "new" to the idea of depression and relating to the day in and day out living with depression is probably far over their heads of what they can imagine.)
This does not mean that they do not love you.
It just means that they cannot understand how you feel. They think that you can control this. They have no idea that *this* controls you.
You are not crazy, this is not "all in your head", it is not something that you can just "shake off" or "Make Better". (I have had all of these thoughts thrown at me.... I am figuring that you might have heard at least a couple of them.)
My own father has much of the same feelings in regards to me that yours seems to have towards you. I will say that I have never been "good enough" at doing anything which pleases him. (I am sure that some of my low self esteem issues stem from that....)
BUT: You don't "Owe" anything to your parents. You are enough just being who you are and fighting this fight the best way that you know how.
I don't know what the others have responded with.....(I am not up to reading a lot of posts, just now) but you might want to involve your family in some counseling (with a counselor that specializes in depression.) That way they can see what a battle it is to fight this disease. They may never understand it for themselves.... but they may gain greater respect for just how strong you really are. (And you ARE strong. You fight this battle every day ~ even when no one understands just what you are up against.)
We (Here on this board)all understand.....
and we hold you in our hearts and thoughts.
I just wanted you to know I particularly understand ~
and I wish I could make this better for you.
*Hugs*
Bronwyn
PS: I hope this makes some kind of sense....
with the rambling you can see why I have not posted much in the last few days.
;)
so I can add a thumbs up to my own post.
I was talking about the "In your head" that most people think of when they are talking to someone who has depressionary symptoms.
It is magnified (Other people feeling that *this* is all in your head) if you have Fibromyalgia.
I was diagnosed with it two years ago.
It is *definitly* not "All in your head....."
And depression is tougher to take while you are in constant pain.
No wonder the electric blanket brought you such comfort.
I had wondered about it ~ but didn't want to mention it......
:)
Be well,
*hugs*
Bronwyn
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