Nighttime ramblings...trigger
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| Thu, 10-30-2003 - 8:52pm |
I am in a horrible Catch-22...even the thought of volunteering makes me feel very panicky (I think I am close to true panic attacks), but by not volunteering or working, I get really depressed and anxious...I'm not sure if this makes sense. I feel like I'm locked in my apartment because of this anxiety...actually more like in my bedroom...because my heart begins to race at the idea of having to go out and act "normal" for my roommates...who are now gone for the weekend, thank goodness! Well, that's another Catch-22...I sometimes feel safer when other people are around, but then again being around other people makes me nervous!
I used to deal with this "social anxiety" or whatever it's called, during childhood and up through college...but I was in therapy to treat it, and I had been doing much better the past few years. I saw my therapist today and told her about what's going on, and she said that maybe it's my mind's way of telling me I'm not ready to start working right now...that it is sometimes necessary to confront your fears head-on, but not when you don't have the skills or energy to do so. But she's not the one who is worried about paying rent!
I should probably stop ruminating...but I think one other factor could be my recent weight gain...I think I have probably gained 10 lbs or so over the past few weeks. My parents try to stuff me and watch what I eat very carefully...thinking I might have an eating disorder...and I do eat, in part to prove them wrong...but now I feel so disgusting (even though I'm probably still a bit underweight)...it makes me feel ashamed and worried about going out where people can see me.
Wow, now you all see what a messed-up life I have, if you didn't already know! It's kind of ironic, I was in a scholarship program in college that included Rhodes Scholars, future doctors and lawyers and a lot of other really promising people...they made a huge mistake in picking me! I almost wish I hadn't been in that program, because it makes me feel even more ashamed of myself for sinking so low. Even the fact that I still live in my college town after I've graduated...instead of going to med school or Wall Street like other people in the program...is very strange to that group of people...they see me occasionally and act very surprised, basically saying "what are you still doing here?"
As my therapist says, there I go again judging myself. And it's true, no one is perfect, and these people almost definitely have their own problems too. But my expectations for myself are so strict, no matter how hard I try to relax them, and it seems like I will never meet even the lowest of my standards.
The fact that I don't even know what I want to do with my life, in terms of a career, is a big sign to me that I am a failure. This depression and my medical problems and also largely my anxiety seem to hold me back from accomplishing anything...and I see it as my own fault, though according to my therapist, that's not a productive way to think of it.
OK, here's a trigger coming, I'm pretty sure...I look back at my life and think that my best years (which were already unhappy because of my depression) are over...that I will not be able to succeed at anything else other than schoolwork, and that I am destined to end up as a death from suicide. Sorry to write that. As much as my therapist and other people can tell me it's not true, that I have a lot to give and a lot to look forward to...I feel like I "know" in my heart that it's not meant to be.
Wow, maybe it's time for me to head back home, once-abusive dad and all...for some reason, I wasn't quite as depressed when I was there (maybe it was my sweet kitty cat who was helping!). I was planning to go home again for the weekend and then come back here next week...I'm not sure what to do yet, though...it's very hard to drive with vertigo from a migraine! So we'll see...
Hope you all are having a more relaxing, happy evening than I am! I do want to apologize for my negativity, as always...maybe once I've gotten it out, I can move on to just positive thoughts (yeah right!)...I know it is supposed to be under my control.
Goodnight,
Rose

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*hugs
*hugs
Rosa,
I can feel some of your anxiety. I am an LPN and one day I started to
experiance some of the same things you mentioned. I never realized after my brother died I was isolating myself from people. I guess I felt the less people I dealt with the less the pain if you lose them. It didn't take long before panic attacks set in.
The thought of going to work started to scare me before I even got there. It seemed like the fear of everything started to consume me. I to see a DR. who has been a blessing in my life. I take Effexor and it is so nice not to be afraid anymore. I even started to call friends up and we get together when things are less hectic. Everyones situation is different but if you want some honest chats e-mail me @ (wayneamy@rochester.rr.com) The one thing I do know is this can be such a long process it is easy to become discouraged. Hang on. ~~~~~~~~~Amy~~~~~~~~~
Hello, Rose.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v254/ladybug987/Signatures/springbutterflybarb.jpg>
CL-ladybug987
Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
Take care,
Lisa-)
I think you should go home too. I am not defending your dad's verbal abuse but maybe you need to give him a chance. One thing I learned from my dad and husband is that MEN WANT TO FIX THINGS FOR YOU. Your Dad probably loves you to death but feels helpless. He is telling you to go get a job because he probably thinks it will help your depression. Go see your therapist with him. Tell him how horrible you feel and that you need some help from him. My father finally began to understand my depression when he saw how painful the depression was. Of course, my Dad and husband are really sensitive guys but I think all older men think they are helping you when they encourage you to tough it out.
Look Rose, I have been a superachiever all my life. I had two university degrees by age 24. I have become a successful attorney. I have very successful friendships. I also have a successful marriage. I still suffer from depression. I sometimes think people who have an above average intelligence suffer from depression more. STOP BEING SO DOWN ON YOUR SELF. YOU CAN HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE. DO YOUR THERAPY. I was scared to death to met men before therapy. Two years after beginning therapy I became engaged. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
(I might add I was dumped by a creep along the way.)
God bless you. I have been where you are and made it. YOU CAN TOO.
Love and Hugs,
Selena
Rose
Pushing myself this way isn't working, I know...but in the back of my mind, there's always this voice (of my father, of other people I know with fibromyalgia, etc.) that says, "you just need to try harder, and you can force yourself to do it!"...and I try and try, but become so sad and frustrated because I can't seem to succeed.
I will try to avoid thinking about suicide...it is hard, though. Today my therapist made me promise I would stay safe at least until our next appointment...and I did promise that...but I almost feel like I "should" cause myself harm because I am only causing worry and disappointment to everyone around me...though of course my death wouldn't cause much less disappointment, I guess...maybe I'm not being very logical right now.
Thanks again for writing to me...I will visit the A/P board again soon, probably...see ya there!
Rose
I also think to myself, maybe even subconsciously sometimes, that staying isolated from people is a way to avoid getting hurt when they leave, or die, or become distant again. I don't have any friends at all (at least in the "real" world, not online!), and on many days speak to no one except my parents, with a few words to my roommates...and of course therapist's visits...but no real "relationships" to speak of. I used to feel lonely sometimes, but now really I don't feel much need for relationships...not sure why...I know I do better when I talk to people, though.
Thanks again for your help...I will try to email you when I get the energy,
Rose
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