I am new and in need of some support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
I am new and in need of some support.
11
Sun, 11-02-2003 - 4:35am
Hi,

I am mother of four wonderful children (two older and two very young) and a wife of twenty four years to a terrific guy. I have lived with SAD for sometime now, but in the last two years it has been getting worse, mainly due to my situation. I also was recently diagnosed with stress induced depression.

Here is some background knowledge:

Five years ago my huband and I purchased some land so that we could build a home and do some farming. In order to do this we had to sell our home of seventeen years and move in with his parents. My in-laws own a duplex, the apartments are on top of each other, there are seperated by a set of stairs. We live in the bottom apartment. When we moved in it was only going to be for a short time, but as life does it throw us many curve balls and I fogot to swerve. The first ball came after we purchased the property, it was not disclosed to us till after we had the land for several months that there was a building moratorium of six years on the property (this meant that we could not build or develop the land for 6 years). We were not alone, it seems that there were several land owners that had purchased land all at about the sametime and the county did not disclose the information to us, so fearing a lawsue the county allowed each land owned to develop only part of the land. This caused some delays. I was pregnant with number three child at the time.

When we moved to my in-laws I had an array of animals and a very allergic mother-in-law. To make the move my huband made an outside run for my indoor cats and a very long cable for my dog. This work out fine for a while till a other ball was pitched, a nieghbor decided to use a spray to get rid of some blackberry bushes. It did its job and it did a job on some of the cats too. We lost two:-(( My hands were getting full as now I was due anytime with child number four. Ball three, My kind hearted father-in-law thought that with my hands so full that he would let my dog off her chain at times. Eight days after the birth of child number four there came a knok on the door, (I was home alone with an eight day old infant and two year old) When I anwsered the door, two very distraught ladys were there, my dog had been hit by a car, the driver had not even stopped and the two ladys had witnessed the hit and run. I called my father-in-law who in turn called my husband and the crew of a job to come home and take the dog to the property to be buried. Ball four, we rehomed the remainer of the animals as I had my hands full with one High schooler and two little ones.

Ball five,we have been at my in-laws for four and a half years now and the property and the building have been nothing short of a nightmare. Ball six, I have had to picket the engineer to get the plans back from him, we have had to pressure the designer to do his job (the house was designed by my husband all the designer had to do was put it to blueprint) we have had more problems then you can imagine.

With the lose of our house, the lose of our animals, no money to do a reaffirmation of our wedding vows (something that I have looked forward to for years) no money for anything accept for the bare necessities. I have fallin into depression.

My husband as you can tell works for his father so we are constantly with his parents. They are both really great but when you are with each other 24/7 it gets to be to much. My husband family are very close so we all get togeter a lot, we even vacation together:-/

There is so much more to tell you but I think that I will stop here. I think you all can get the picture of why my doctor says I have stress induced depression. He has also suggested that I find something to do. Nothing right now interests me, all of my old stand by are just to aggravating to me now. I also do not have any money to start anything new. I have two little one that need constant attention which makes it difficult to go any where. So I sit here in this cave with two small children in potty training. The little one are so well behave I sometime feel bad about not going any where, but I just do not have the energy. Any advise or just support is greatly appreciated. :-)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 11-02-2003 - 8:15am
Hi and welcome to the board. You have really got your hands full. All of that is definetly enough to send a person into depression. I don't have any wonderful advice, so for now I am just sending you a big (((hug))) and letting you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. You will get lots of wonderful advice from this board. They are a great group.

Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Sun, 11-02-2003 - 9:11am
You have had alot..yes...keep telling yourself "And this too shall pass"

In the meantime if your doctor can prescribe somthing to help you get through this overwhelming time, I think you might find while taking somthing your strength will come back and you wont feel like your sitting in a cave.

I just started a new antidepressant, and its kicked in finally! I can tell cos Im smiling more...cleaning my house again (didnt give a hoot before) and just in general finding things easier to deal with.

When you think about all the things...the animals..the property..the birth...of course it overwhelms you. Deal with right now..not yesterday...you have great kids..you are not living on the street (not in the most ideal situation) but moving slowly forward.

I have a daughter that has CP and is Deaf..and when I feel bad about my things, I think about how strong and happy she is..and mine seems to fall into perspective.

I hope I helped...just keep reading...get out and take a walk everyday (it will help honest) and get as much rest as you can.

Right now things seem terrible..but chin up and focus on the good things!!!

Hugs and hang in

L

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Sun, 11-02-2003 - 12:05pm

I am so glad you found our board and shared your situation with us.

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 11-02-2003 - 12:24pm

Welcome hun!


Wow you sure have had your share of curve balls.. time for a relief pitcher I think! hehe


I know all about the lack of money woes hun. My DH recently had his hours cut back at work but we sure didnt get a reduction in bills so things are 'tight'


One thing about your post did jump out at me though.. You said you even vacation with your inlaws and family.. You definately sounds like you need a little "ME" time.. That is soo important when you are battling depression.. So what if you sat down with your hubby and your inlaws and perhaps made arrangements for them to watch the kids for a day or even a few hours and you got away with your DH?

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Sun, 11-02-2003 - 12:36pm
Hi there

Welcome to the board.

I think Caly gave some good advice. I know that getting out in the sun, which you said that you have SAD, and going for a walk helps a great deal. Exercise naturally produces one of the neurotranmitters in your brain that there aren't enough of due to depression.

And, you are so close to FINALLY getting your house built.

Find some time for yourself. As the saying goes "If mamma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy".

Sending hugs

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Sun, 11-02-2003 - 4:28pm
Hi Caly and all,

Thank you for your acknowledgements, To answer some of the questions and to give you some more on my background. The High Schooler is now in her second year of college. My DH is busy with trying to build and gathering building materials in what little spare time, he has. My in-laws are busy with helping, one of my husbands sisters, that is going thorough a divorce.

My Doctor has put me on some natural stuff as I am still nursing the last child. I am continuing to nurse the littlest one as she has allergies and is very shy (she is a mom's girl). I do go to the local library for "story time" with the little ones several times a week, but I get so tired out. I am starting to use light therapy, but I do not feel any differences, I have only had three sessions with the light so we will just have to wait to pass judgement.

I think that I just need to find something that I can do that is simple and inexpensive. I use to enjoy sewing, but I can not seem to make anything to my liking. I love pets and owned my own pet sitting business, but had to give that up when the little ones came. I was heavy in to Kung-Fu, but I have no one to watch the little ones so that I can go more then once a week and you need to practice it everyday. I do not want to do Kun-Fu in front of the little ones as they might start to use the movement on each other and yes my son can/has learn some of the moves from watching me and he has used them on his little sister.

I have tried to find things to occupy my mind like how I would like to decorate a room in my new home, but when I share it with my husband he just see the dollars and cents of it and tells me we can not afford it, so I have given up on that avenue. I tried to plan and I even made some of the flowers for our affirmation ceremony, but the same answer came from my husband, we can not afford it. I tried to start a "wedding floral" business but it did not fly, not from lack of trying. I thought that maybe if we got a dog that I would be forced to get out of the house, but.... Because of my mother-in-law's allergies and the fact that my husband and I can not agree on the breed, I will have to wait. I would like to find something that I can do that is just for me! Will thank you all for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Sun, 11-02-2003 - 5:04pm
I can understand not having a hobby. One of the signs of depression is lack of interest in things. I don't enjoy half the things that I used to. I have a really short attention span. If I am watching tv, I also have to be doing Fill It In Puzzles, when I am on the Internet, I also have a game open and I play it when the pages are uploading.

Do you have any close friends that you could swap baby-sitting with you? I don't have kids, but I have four nephews and know what handfuls kids can be.

Take care

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 11-02-2003 - 5:51pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Sun, 11-02-2003 - 6:24pm
Hi Pamela,

Thank you for your response. Due to my age, must of my friends have children that are finishing their last year in school or out on their own. So many of my friends are returning to work. This leave me with no one to communicate with during the day.

I am not comfortable with making the first move in talking or getting to know other people, I have always relied on my husband to make the first approach when we are out in public. Now that the depression has worsened I do not what to talk to anyone. I have been known to not answer the phone even when its my own mother.

Warm regards,

RainydaysArgon

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 2:08pm
Hi,

To answer your first question, are we able to go to the new place? Yes, but it is a hour long drive and because we were not able to develop the land right away the scotts-broom (sp?) is at least 15 feet tall. We have cleared some where we are allowed to build, but where we what to put the garden is covered in scotts-broom. I do have a computer program that will layout a plot map for me so I may play with it and the suggestion of looking seed catalogs sound great. We also go out to the property all most every weekend. Going every weekend enables my husband to work on the place. It gets a little rough for me to prepare and pack for the weekend. It takes two days to get ready and three days to clean up after coming home. This is one of my biggest stress factors. I know that a routine would help, but I keep stumbling and I don't do one.

Question #2:

I will look into a book discussion group, but I don't seem to have much time to read for myself.

My mother-in-law does watch the little ones sometmes so I can go to Kung-Fu, but right now they have their hands full with having to help one of my husband's sisters out. So I don't feel that I can ask.

As far as the SAD goes, I am using a light, but I am not to sure that its working, mind you I have only had it for four days now. Here in the Northwest we do not get the sunshine much. As far as getting outdoors, I just can not find the energy to put our coats on and put up with the bickering of the two little ones. It just seems to be so much work and I don't have the energy. Sounds lazy, or maybe a cop out???? I need to find the motivation and energy.

Thank you for the suggestion about the fingerpaints, it might do me some good...

The affirmation is something that we believe in I just have for gotten about it, I will make an effort to get back into it.

Drawing is something that I like to do, it just that I am to critical of all my work right now, this is why I can longer do sewing, flower arranging, or any of my old standbys. I will look for both of those books you suggested and give them a try.

Kung-Fu has a softer side too. There are forms and movements that focus on your breathing, these are meant to help heal the body. Yet again we come to lack of motivation.

Here we come to the crust of the problem, I really want to brake out of this self pity party, but I just do not know how or have the energy to do it aaaagggg....

Thank you for all the great advices,

Warm regards,

RainydaysArgon

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