new and needing to unload.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-1999
new and needing to unload.
12
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 4:54pm
I picked a candle b/c they don't have an *indiferent* emoticon. That is how i feel indiferent. I joined the FLYlady program in August of last year and that has helped a quite a bit. I love the gals an the FLYbaby board. But I think this is best place for me to unload. I don't know where to start. I guess the begining but that would become a novel. I read the other posts and no offence anyone but I feel worse b/c it seems i shouldn't feel the way I do.

My child hood was good. No abuse that i could see even in hindsite. But we did move around alot. My Mom was a yeller, and my dad well he was daddy he was great. I went to 10 different schools between K and Sr yr. We lived in Hotels, Motels, the back of a station wagon, in shelters, duplexes, apartments, and 2 houses, in no particular order. My siblings are lucky they have been the same house for the past 8 yrs (1/2 their life) and barely remember life before that. I was quiet, but friends easily, i attracted the misfits and was easy target for users. I met Dh 2 yrs before we started dating. We started seeing each other Sr yr in HS. He went to finish his military training after he graduated, i went to summer school b/c my conselor screwed up my credits. I graduated, DH came back from training. He moved into my Mom's house after asking me to marry him. I got preg w/ DS in Nov (dh and I got together in FEB). We moved into our own appartment in May the following year. I could never keep it clean. No matter how hard i tried. DH would *jump start me* by crisis cleaning. Everything got thrown in bags and all I had to do was go through the bags. made things worse b/c they would sit in the bags forever. BUT while all that stuff was in bags, the house was always decent. Dh would then start tearing through bags to look for something. and the cycle of messy house/ crash clean/ and burn would start over. DS was born in AUG that year my mom and gramma came over and cleaned my house up real nice. Found a place for everything ( and we had WAY too much stuff, still do). I dont know how they do it. the only room i could ever keep clean was the dang Kitchen thats my sweet spot. PPD hit me really bad. They put me on Paxil. Had to stop taking it b/c medicaide didn't cover it at the time. DH and I got married the following June (Ds was 10 mos old). Got preg w/ dd in July. Still suffering from PPD and then Hyperemisis kicks in. SOO I'm on Paxil (medicaid will now pick it up b/c it's a higher dose) and reglin (for the morning sickness). Sept 11 happens (did I mention DH is Army National Guard). I am being released from hospital for hyperemisis when the news breaks in w/ the attacks. Nov DH is sent to Miami Int Air port for security detail. His pay get messed up causing our rent to fall behind. The landlord gave me a signed letter saying we would be exempt from that months rent (Dec). Feb comes and we recieve an evection notice, b/c we have been continuously one month behind. We send the letter to the head of the company and they said our manager/landlord was not authorized to give us such a letter. We tried pointing out that our eviction was illegal b/c dh was active military at the time (which we did research so we had fact to back us up). Well needless to say we were evicted anyway and dh is still refusing to fight it. So we move back into my mom's house. DD is born in March. 10 days after she is born DH has the bright idea of moving us into the home of his alcoholic mother. we are there for one roller coaster of year. DH gets sent away for military training 2 days before dd's 1st b-day. 3 days after he leaves we go to my mom;s for dinner. by the time we were done it was late, and cold out so we stayed the night. I go home the next afternoon to find all of my stuff being put into a moving van my MIL's sister's hubby. MIL gets up in my face, calling me names threatening to take my kids away, and such INFRONT of them. So ok my dad comes over w/ my brother and finishes to move my stuff ( I never wanted to be there any way). Back to my mom's I go w/ my 2 kids. My MIL calls me 2 weeks later you left some stuff come get it. So I got to get it and she slams the door on my arm. The neighbors call the police, she puts a tres pass warrant against me and i get arrested. my mom bails me out i go to court and i am not allowed w/in 20 ft of MIL's house. Then I find the house I am currently in (BIG MISTAKE) in June. DH came home in July. Jeft for 2 more weeks of schooling missing DS 3rd bday in Aug. Is now home. My home is still a wreck I would so LOVE to throw everything away. My Mom SWEARS my problem is PPD. My last couselor seem to have the same idea. But I can't remember the last time I was really happy. Even as a Kid. I was the one to make people happy, do things, look happy, so every one else is happy.

I don;t know HOW to just BE happy. I feel like i've been pretending my whole life. I am so good that when people come over my home has been stash and dashed, dinner ready and i have a smile on face. I just want this to end. I love my family and I know they love me. I just want to be able to smile and really mean it for more than the momentary laugh at my kids' silly anticks.

Oh looks like I wrote a novel any way.

thanx for letting me let go.

Liz

P.S. in middle and high school I would be asked to give speach on what it's like to be homeless to help raise awareness in school. My mom said go for it so I did. every one thought I was so brave to be able to talk about it. If they only knew i was shaking in side and wanting to run.

Elizabeth, Wife to Sean 15June01, Mommy to Sean Kevin 2nd 25Aug00, Caetlín Renae 10Mar02 and FaelynneSkye  26Apr07. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 5:12pm

((((((((((((((LIZ))))))))))))))) you just sound like you need a Really big hug!!


Welcome to the board sweetie! You certainly have been thru ALOT! I know the ladies here will have lots of advice and caring and support to give.


I want to maybe answer to one thing that you posted for now.. you say "I dont know how to just BE Happy"..


I totally understand where you are coming from hun.. the secret to it though is being happy comes from liking yourself for WHO you are, regardless of all the nasty MILs and landlords who try to make us feel otherwise.


I know its not an easy thing but you work at it step by step.. Start by finding little things you like about yourself (like being able to talk about being homeless ) those kinds of things are what make you a special person and when you can believe that you are special, it all falls into place...


Looking forward to getting to know you better


*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 6:48pm

Liz I'm popping in here to remind you of how *VERY much* you mean to me and so many of us on the flybaby board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 8:16pm
(((Liz)))

Welcome!!

First of all, what is a flybaby?

Okay, so I am on Paxil, and I agree with Susan. YOu might need to increase your dose. AND....like Susan said, you have to be extremely careful about going off of Paxil. It has severe discontinuation effects. I've been through them. It was awful.

There are no requirements to come and post here. There is no set rules as to who can have depression. Nobody knows why, it just happens. So just jump right in and join us!

Anyway, I just wanted to welcome you and say hi.

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 8:54pm
Liz,

Hello again. I know we have talked on the "flybabies" board and in chat there. I have to disagree with your statement: "I shouldn't feel the way I do". It is my opinion that you should. It is also my opinion that you are having a "normal" reaction to an abnormal situation. If any of us here had been through what you have described, we too would be feeling that way. It would be abnormal if you did not.

Setting aside the fact that hormones can do really weird and sometimes bad stuff to us, and experiencing PPD after the first child and then not getting a chance to recover from it before getting pregnant with the second, would set anybody's hormones over the top and their outlook to the bottom.

Have you given yourself a chance to grieve for your loss in childhood? I know you said your childhood was good, but you still did not have a permanent home and permanency is a primary need for a child. And then to have some insensitive idiot teacher/principle or whatever having asked you to give a speech on what it's like to be homeless??? And you smiled and did it for them....they didn't deserve your generousity.

As an adult now, you have the power to set your own boundaries. You have the right to be who you authentically are. You have the right to be true to yourself. The only people that will fight you on that are the ones that are benefiting from the way you are now. And if they don't care that you feel bad, then they do not deserve your concern for them.

As I said before, we have talked in flybabies before. I know you are strong. That shows by reading your post. I also know that depression can create a feeling of being overwhelmed when it comes to doing things like housework. One thing you might want to decide is who are you doing it for? Are you just doing it because it is expected of you or because it has to be done, and since you are a SAHM, it is ultimately your responsibility?

Honestly Liz....I think you need to get mad....and let the anger out in a safe place...somewhere you are allowed to say what you want without fear of being judged, chastized or abandoned. Then you can grieve that little girl lost. Then you can start making Liz who Liz wants to be, not what she thinks others want her to be.

Blessings to you. I hope you enjoyed your Autumn Equinox and I hope I have not overspoke.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 9:56pm

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((LIZ)))))))))))))))))))))))))))00


Welcome to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 11:39pm

{{{{{{LIZ}}}}}}


I feel for you....I don't have much to add, except that you have every right to the way you feel.


Your intro is very telling. I have only one suggestion....with the help of your doctor it may be worth exploring if Paxil is the right med for you. If it is not, get off it very slowly so that you don't suffer even more.


I am only suggesting this because you say you feel indifferent. My DD was on Paxil for about 8 months and the one thing she kept saying is that she couldn't experience any real emotion. It bothered her greatly that she could not cry. With the help of her doctor she withdrew from the Paxil and was closely followed while in therapy. She said later that for her being on a medication was not the answer and she was better able to work through her depression off of the drug. This may or may not be the case with you and is worth checking into but only under the care of your doctor.


I know that you cannot, in your heart,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-1999
Sat, 11-15-2003 - 8:38am
OK perhaps I should Clarify a bit. In October 01 I was baker acted (involuntarily admited to a psych hospital). I was having anxiety attacks (I had been on paxil about 6 weeks). I called my Dr and the nurse told me to go to the ER and his partener from the office would meet me there. (My dr was on emergency leave.) I never saw the other other Dr. Instead I was seen by 2nd yr med student. He asked if I knew what what had trggered my panick attack. I told him I was getting ready to carry my (then) 14mo ds down 3 flights of stairs to take him to the park. That I got dizzy and my fear set in, that I might fall. I have an extreme fear of stair, not hights, not ladders, *stairs*. The ER Dr/med student, wrote fear of hurting self and children in my chart. When the DR he was studdying under reviewed my chart and read the notes by the 2nd yr med. He decided to baker act me. He called the other DR (the one who told me to go to the ER) and she came and looked at the chart but never spoke with me. The next thing i know i'm signing release papers, thinking i'm gonna go home. But they wouldn't let me call DH to come get me. The Next thing I know a police officer is putting hand cuffs on me and taking me to the psych hospital. I get there and being hypo glycemic i asked to eat (mind you it's already 1am) they said no. Well my low surgar triggers an attack and i start to hyperventalate. Next thing I know they yelling at me that if I don't get under control they are gonna give me a shot to calm me down. My guess is they either had no clue or didn't care i was pregos b/c they were gonna give me codine to knock me out.

The next morning I'm transfered to much nicer cleaner facility (still psych hospital, ust different one). Well I was still supposed to be taking the paxil and reglin. but the Drs there refused me either. So I spent about 12 hrs being afraid to eat. They wanted me on an antibiotic, I asked if it was safe for my baby and the nurse couldn't answer, ok so if you don't know i aint takin it.

I see the Psychiatrist (sp?) that works there and he stops my paxil completely, saying he doesn't think it safe for preg women to take and doesn't think i'm *bad enough* for any meds any ways. So I have not been on meds since. Even though my OB had me fill out the questionare, and had it reveiwed for a 2nd opinion, and it was conferemed that i should be on something. Well my overseeing Psych, wouldn't approve any meds. The counselor I was seeing up till 6 mos ago is not authorized to prescribe meds b/c she is only a counselor.

So that is it A long story to simple reply : I am not on any meds.

Elizabeth, Wife to Sean 15June01, Mommy to Sean Kevin 2nd 25Aug00, Caetlín Renae 10Mar02 and FaelynneSkye  26Apr07. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Sat, 11-15-2003 - 11:14am
Wow...sounds like you have grounds for one heck of a good law suit...maybe malpractice??
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-1999
Sat, 11-15-2003 - 11:26am
nah, i talked to a few lawyers, they all said the dr/student felt he did what was in the best intrest of my health and my childrn. that my attacks made me unstable around my kids. not to mention this happened litteraly right after that woman in TX killed her 5 kids. So he felt he had goo reason to be *extra cautious* as he put it.

Liz

Elizabeth, Wife to Sean 15June01, Mommy to Sean Kevin 2nd 25Aug00, Caetlín Renae 10Mar02 and FaelynneSkye  26Apr07. 

Avatar for ewalsh75
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Sat, 11-15-2003 - 11:42am


(((((((((((Liz)))))))))))))))))


Wow it seems that you have been to hell and back again and survived which is huge

You mother in law is a real work of art isnt she, but at least you are not there anymore, it was really crappy of her to do that to you slam the door on your arm have an orderput against you when SHE is the one who told you to go there to get the remainder of your things.

I think that it is great that you have overcome all the things in your life especuially moving around so much as a kid I can ionly imagine how tough it was, but your parents seem to be behind you well at least your dad you didnt mention your mom.

You have come to a good place regardless if you have ppd or not it is still depression and can be horrible look at the lady who drowned her children in the tub she had ppd and no one took notice of it at least you took notice and are doing something about it, my depression got worse after my son was born I didnt know what was wrong with me growing up now I know it went away for a bit and after I had Jakob it all went down hill and now I have been fighting my way back up the hill its slow but worth it.

I am glad that you are here and I hope that you will stay and continue to post.

welcome and I hope you like it here.

Erin

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