new and needing to unload.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-1999
new and needing to unload.
12
Fri, 11-14-2003 - 4:54pm
I picked a candle b/c they don't have an *indiferent* emoticon. That is how i feel indiferent. I joined the FLYlady program in August of last year and that has helped a quite a bit. I love the gals an the FLYbaby board. But I think this is best place for me to unload. I don't know where to start. I guess the begining but that would become a novel. I read the other posts and no offence anyone but I feel worse b/c it seems i shouldn't feel the way I do.

My child hood was good. No abuse that i could see even in hindsite. But we did move around alot. My Mom was a yeller, and my dad well he was daddy he was great. I went to 10 different schools between K and Sr yr. We lived in Hotels, Motels, the back of a station wagon, in shelters, duplexes, apartments, and 2 houses, in no particular order. My siblings are lucky they have been the same house for the past 8 yrs (1/2 their life) and barely remember life before that. I was quiet, but friends easily, i attracted the misfits and was easy target for users. I met Dh 2 yrs before we started dating. We started seeing each other Sr yr in HS. He went to finish his military training after he graduated, i went to summer school b/c my conselor screwed up my credits. I graduated, DH came back from training. He moved into my Mom's house after asking me to marry him. I got preg w/ DS in Nov (dh and I got together in FEB). We moved into our own appartment in May the following year. I could never keep it clean. No matter how hard i tried. DH would *jump start me* by crisis cleaning. Everything got thrown in bags and all I had to do was go through the bags. made things worse b/c they would sit in the bags forever. BUT while all that stuff was in bags, the house was always decent. Dh would then start tearing through bags to look for something. and the cycle of messy house/ crash clean/ and burn would start over. DS was born in AUG that year my mom and gramma came over and cleaned my house up real nice. Found a place for everything ( and we had WAY too much stuff, still do). I dont know how they do it. the only room i could ever keep clean was the dang Kitchen thats my sweet spot. PPD hit me really bad. They put me on Paxil. Had to stop taking it b/c medicaide didn't cover it at the time. DH and I got married the following June (Ds was 10 mos old). Got preg w/ dd in July. Still suffering from PPD and then Hyperemisis kicks in. SOO I'm on Paxil (medicaid will now pick it up b/c it's a higher dose) and reglin (for the morning sickness). Sept 11 happens (did I mention DH is Army National Guard). I am being released from hospital for hyperemisis when the news breaks in w/ the attacks. Nov DH is sent to Miami Int Air port for security detail. His pay get messed up causing our rent to fall behind. The landlord gave me a signed letter saying we would be exempt from that months rent (Dec). Feb comes and we recieve an evection notice, b/c we have been continuously one month behind. We send the letter to the head of the company and they said our manager/landlord was not authorized to give us such a letter. We tried pointing out that our eviction was illegal b/c dh was active military at the time (which we did research so we had fact to back us up). Well needless to say we were evicted anyway and dh is still refusing to fight it. So we move back into my mom's house. DD is born in March. 10 days after she is born DH has the bright idea of moving us into the home of his alcoholic mother. we are there for one roller coaster of year. DH gets sent away for military training 2 days before dd's 1st b-day. 3 days after he leaves we go to my mom;s for dinner. by the time we were done it was late, and cold out so we stayed the night. I go home the next afternoon to find all of my stuff being put into a moving van my MIL's sister's hubby. MIL gets up in my face, calling me names threatening to take my kids away, and such INFRONT of them. So ok my dad comes over w/ my brother and finishes to move my stuff ( I never wanted to be there any way). Back to my mom's I go w/ my 2 kids. My MIL calls me 2 weeks later you left some stuff come get it. So I got to get it and she slams the door on my arm. The neighbors call the police, she puts a tres pass warrant against me and i get arrested. my mom bails me out i go to court and i am not allowed w/in 20 ft of MIL's house. Then I find the house I am currently in (BIG MISTAKE) in June. DH came home in July. Jeft for 2 more weeks of schooling missing DS 3rd bday in Aug. Is now home. My home is still a wreck I would so LOVE to throw everything away. My Mom SWEARS my problem is PPD. My last couselor seem to have the same idea. But I can't remember the last time I was really happy. Even as a Kid. I was the one to make people happy, do things, look happy, so every one else is happy.

I don;t know HOW to just BE happy. I feel like i've been pretending my whole life. I am so good that when people come over my home has been stash and dashed, dinner ready and i have a smile on face. I just want this to end. I love my family and I know they love me. I just want to be able to smile and really mean it for more than the momentary laugh at my kids' silly anticks.

Oh looks like I wrote a novel any way.

thanx for letting me let go.

Liz

P.S. in middle and high school I would be asked to give speach on what it's like to be homeless to help raise awareness in school. My mom said go for it so I did. every one thought I was so brave to be able to talk about it. If they only knew i was shaking in side and wanting to run.

Elizabeth, Wife to Sean 15June01, Mommy to Sean Kevin 2nd 25Aug00, Caetlín Renae 10Mar02 and FaelynneSkye  26Apr07. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Sat, 11-15-2003 - 11:42am

Oh, (((((Liz))))), what a nightmare you have been through!

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Sat, 11-15-2003 - 12:46pm

Liz,


Are you seeing a counsellor, psychologist, or psychiatrist now?

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