Bad Parent???????? -triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Bad Parent???????? -triggers
12
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 9:30pm
I'm having a really hard time being "there" for my kids right now. I am managing the basics like feeding, bathing, laundry, etc. but that's it. My oldest, 14, has recently started being around me as much as possible. Like the only time she's not is when she's at school or asleep or I'm still at work. When I sit at the computer to check my mail, she's there peering over my shoulder. When I go to take a bath, she's there talking about stuff. I have tried to be nice and ask that she give me some privacy but she does that hyper-sensitive thing and ends up thinking I "hate" her. I know part of it is her age but I just can't handle it right now. My 10 year old starves for "cuddle time" because she feels that her 7 year old brother "always" gets to cuddle with mommy. My 7 year old, of course, says he doesn't get to cuddle with me either.As their mom, I have to be there for them. Well, gotta go. DD is lurking once more.

Traci


Edited 11/19/2003 10:37:24 AM ET by musclvr66

~ ML ~  

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 10:18pm

I can completely relate! I set some limits for myself and then feel guilty for setting them, or guilty for not setting enough limits.


I don't allow anybody in the bathroom with me, even the toddler. I just can't handle it- I usually lock the door to keep him out. I do occasionally shower with him, though. If I had a 14yo reading over my shoulder or comiing into the bathroom with me, I simply wouldn't allow it- as I don't allow my 7yo or 8yo to do that. I've already had the "you don't care about me" from the older one, and it is hard to be firm about it, but kids do need limits. I also know my own limits- I don't want to end up screaming at them or hitting them, and

Ruth, Single Mom to

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 10:29pm
(((Traci)))

I am not a mother, so whatever I say you can take or leave it, okay?

First off, you ARE important and worth so much. To your children you are the world.

My sister thinks that since she had kids, her life is on hold and life revolves around her kids. When I have kids, I am hoping that I can say hey I love my kids, but I am important and if I am unhappy, they won't be happy either. My sister's oldest child is (sorry if this seems really harsh)a spoiled brat who doesn't respect anyone or anything. And her youngest, whom I would gladly die for, is turning out the same way. Ruth is right, kids do test your boundaries.

You aren't a bad parent.

You know what? You and Ruth seem to have alot in common, I hope that I am not mixing your stories together!

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 10:37pm

((((((((((((((((((((Traci)))))))))))))))))))))


I know from past experience that the more depressed you are the more your children cling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 10:49pm

I understand how you feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 11:06pm
Oh sweetie. Things aren't looking too happy for you right now, and I'm sorry I wasn't around to post to you. You aren't a bad mother at all. You are being human. Let's face it, we all have basic needs and wants, and you have a right to feel this way. I don't know personally since I do not have kids of my own, but I do know that dealing with depression isn't easy. At times you have to just isolate yourself to make yourself feel better. I'm sure any of us can relate to that. Why don't you try to designate a "mommy" time where you have a half hour or 45 minutes to yourself (ha ha...I say this long because no kid can resist mom!)to relax, take a bath, read a book, go on the net, blah blah blah. I hope this helps a little bit, and please keep us posted with all the things in your life!

Take care sweetie

Trix

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 11:56pm
Thank you all for your posts. My ability to set boundaries/mommy time/kid time is a mess right now. And, Trac, I agree that they sense the depression. I'm just such a mess inside right now. Anyway, thanks for the input.

Traci


Edited 11/19/2003 10:41:53 AM ET by musclvr66

~ ML ~  

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 3:12am
Hi Traci,

I just want to send you lots of positive thoughts and Hugh cyber hugs. As I watch your posts I want so much to come over and help you out. But of course there are so many miles between us I can not. But I can be here to listen and tell you, you are a great person and that you are so important to so many people.

I had thought that I would post a post tonight to see how many people could tell how much our own emotion effected other around us, but I can see that from your post it is not necessary. I have felt that the little ones were being too clingy lately. Because your children are reacting to your emotions is all the answer that I need.

Traci I do not have any fancy advise for you but I can listen if you what to vent or need some support.

Do you have any family members close by? Could they come and relieve you for an hour or so?

All I can say is Traci hang in there!

Best Wishes with lots of hugs.

RainydaysArgon

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2000
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 10:09am
Traci,

You are noy a bad mom and one thing that tells me so is I can tell your babes are worried for you. Maybe that is why they cling so much now. When my brother died my two were just babies but it was as if they knew how much losing him was killing me and they would give me unexpected hugs or want to sleep with me and some how they made me want to fight to feel right. Please you never replied to me if you have a theripist or Dr.

I know in your letter you feel like you want to disappear and do not feel guilty for that.As much as I love my family I do have days where I think to regain strength a weekend would be great to have alone. I am glad your kids are there because if you were alone at this rate I'd fear what you might do and I know you are a good mom even though your emotions are all confused. What is holding you back from helping yourself. It is O.k to feel better~~~~~~~~~~Please see a counseler or someone who can help you to feel better.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I am worried for you ~~~~~~Amy~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 10:37am
Amy,

Sorry I didn't answer your question re counselor/doc. When I finally realized a month ago that my depression was coming back, I called to get back into therapy. My appointment is this Wednesday. In the month's wait, I've been to the emergency services office twice and the ER once to get meds. The e.s. staff told me that if I didn't eat 2 times a day every day until my intake that they could admit me involuntarily. I haven't called them since. A friend of mine in NY convinced me to go to the ER and get put back on zoloft. That's what I was on before. Then the noise in my head started getting really bad. Then the rage started seeping back in. I really wonder if it's the zoloft that's doing it. I want to stop taking it but everybody tells me not to 'cause it could be dangerous.

So, I sit here recoiling from the touch of my children wanting nothing more than to just end the pain. They deserve so much more than what I can give them. My "give" is gone and people just keep taking anyway. It finally dawned on me last night that the holidays are fast approaching. Knowing how excited my kids get, it absolutely kills me to be where I am right now. I can usually overcome my "holiday stress" for their sakes and make it "fun." I just can't do it right now.

My kids need so much more and deserve so much more. I'm incapable of meeting those needs anymore. I've been applying the "baby step" philosophy but I just don't feel like I can take another step. Sorry to dump all this on you. Thanks for listening.

Traci

~ ML ~  

Avatar for all_girls4me
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 11:07am
((Traci)) I know how you feel. Hugs to you. I'm the queen of mommy guilt trips. Between working fulltime and being depressed, I don't feel that my 3 girls getting enough attention. And when I'm home, there are a million things to do. AND I can't even go to the bathroom by myself...lol. One of them is always right behind me, including one of the dogs. ARGHHHHHHHHHHH......you are not alone. So don't feel bad.

Hugs Ilka



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