Losing it...on a rollercoaster (trigs)
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| Mon, 11-17-2003 - 9:12pm |
Anyway, it probably sounds strange, but I am so confused by my own feelings right now. Over the past few days, I could feel the depression changing a bit, maybe lifting some... but I tried to avoid overanalyzing it. Today, though, I felt so different than I had even a few days ago, not necessarily in a good way...uncomfortably hyper would be a good way to describe it, but also anxious and full of plans for the future.
My family and my therapist all think that working is not a good idea for me right now because of my recent health problems...but today I felt so restless that I applied for several jobs and wish I could start today... although a few days ago I wondered how I would ever work. And I went for a half hour jog through my muscle pain, knowing that it will likely cause at least a minor flare-up of my fibromyalgia...I had so much energy, and I wanted to try to clear my head...it didn't help much with that.
Even my perspective on things has changed...my parents are planning to go on a weeklong trip this Thanksgiving holiday, and I have to go with them. Before, I was looking forward to it...I enjoyed the calm of the lakehouse where we will be staying, and didn't think much of the length of the trip. Now I feel like I can't bear to spend an entire week with nothing much to do except sit by a lake...my mind is too restless...I am trying to think of any way I can to get out of it, but I can't...I'm actually the one who suggested the trip in the first place! But I feel like I'm going to go insane if I have to spend a week there with my parents and sister.
Sorry about such a long vent. I did go see my therapist today, and she thought it was a positive sign that I am more energetic...and she said she hasn't seen evidence for bipolar in me so far...but to keep track of my moods these two weeks (it will be that long before I see her again because of this Thanksgiving trip, argh!). And I guess she could be right.
But the problem is, I feel even worse now than I did when I was "just" depressed. I spent much of today either trying to sleep or holed up in my bathroom, scared of how I feel and how I might act. And I feel like I'm losing it...I feel like nothing is real, like I must be dreaming...my mind is not working right somehow, it seems.
But I guess these could just be signs that my depression is improving...I've been depressed for so long that maybe it's just strange for me. I have trouble believing that, though...but how can you tell the difference between an "up" mood and some form of minor mania? I used to cry for days at a time because I was experiencing so many different, strong emotions at once...but my therapist just said that everyone feels more than one emotion at once...so I guess it is normal.
Anyway, I am so worried about all the people having a hard time on this board, and I don't want to add to that. But it seems to me like if I were just feeling better, my thoughts of suicide would be fewer...but they're not at all. I just want to take a lot of pills and sleep, to escape these crazy emotions...I feel like I can't bear feeling so out of control. And everything feels so much like a dream anyway, what would it matter? But I won't, at least probably not...though I do plan to take a few sleeping pills to have a few hours of peace.
OK, guess I talked your ears off again...I really want to apologize for being so upset by such "little" problems when I know there are a lot of people dealing with much more difficult situations. Oh, and just to answer the question about why I can't see a psychiatrist, I don't have mental health benefits anymore and can't afford it...I am on Prozac prescribed by my general practictioner, but not a mood stabilizer...which several doctors have said I need, but no general practictioner I've found are comfortable prescribing them to anyone.
Rose

Sweetie, I want you to hold on. If you haven't already, please read my most recent post. You are a strong woman. You can beat this! I can't offer much more than that right now hon, but PLEASE stay safe!
~ ML ~![]()
Thanks again,
Rose