I AM HERE AND STRUGGLING

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
I AM HERE AND STRUGGLING
4
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 9:18pm
I can't believe what kind of day this has turned into. I went to the library this morning and I had spent three days last week out at my parent's as they were worried about my suicidal feelings and my self harm. I left the library and went home. About 10 min into me being home Marty who works the desk called and asked me if I was ok. I was like fine. Why? He said the police were there as someone made a 911 call saying they were going to kill themself. I told him I was fine. Mind you there are like 2 people here Marty and Mary that I can talk to about my depression,self harm and suicidal feelings. They aren't just people in the library to me they are like friends. Anyway the police came to my house and wound up taking me to the station and having me talk with their crisis worker, after about two hours I was released and now I came back to the library to send off this post. Mary and Marty have both apologized to me for what I had to go through and Mary told me she told the cops it didn't sound like something I would do. Also it turns out she is going to be going to the same place I go for therapy and she considers me like a friend not just a patron although she did tell me that they are all sorry this happened because I am one of their favorite patrons, Well, library is closing so i got to go for now but like I said I am struggling and I am self harming. My upper arm is cut now as well as I carved Hate Me into my right thigh. Love and Hugs Andrea
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 10:09pm
Andrea, I just wanted to let you know I am so incredibly glad you are still here. I'm really worried about your self-harm, though...can you talk to someone about that? My therapist has told me techniques to distract yourself like holding ice in your hand, snapping a rubber band on your wrist, etc...have you tried things like that?

I'll be thinking about you, and hoping you can feel better soon,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 10:37pm
andrea, i am so glad you are ok. i was so worried about you. i hope you read my post before -- i really have been there and it really does get better. i have not cut myself in 5 years, and things really are so much better for me. it was scary while it lasted though. i also had calls made about me committing suicide, the worst was to my mother from a girl in my sorority after i had cut myself- everyone (0ver 100 girls) in the sorority knew about it and it was really humiliating and just made me feel like more of an outcast. i will share with you more of what i learned about cutting and hope something will be of help or comfort to you. people who cut usually have similar backrounds and similar thought patterns during. most of them have been abused in the past. lots of "cutters" feel like they have such incredible pain on the inside that they have no way of getting it out and making it better or showing others. i used tgo feel suicidal, but not really want to kill myself and want help but feel like no one knew how much pain i was in and how serious i was. there is also a theory that the endorphins that come right after you cut yourself make you feel better too. i always felt like i was that messed up and hurting inside that i needed to do something- almost prove it to myself and everyone else who i wanted to care more/help me- even if i didn't want them to see it. it was a way to see the pain. in the end, i had the guts to tell (and show) my mom and she found some research and help for me. i don't think thatr there was any one thing that turned it around for me- including the pain and fear i saw in my mothers face. but know that you CAN and WILL get through this. know that there are so many people who you may not even alwyas realize (like your parents, and your friends at the library) who care so much about you and need you in their lives. i know this sounds silly, but i also used to think about all of the people who i would love and would love me in the future that i had never met- like if i have kids someday. and i would think about the fact that i don't want ot miss out on that. i hope this helps- i am trying to share so much with you so that you know that you are not alone. but if i am not helping- or making it worse- by talking baout this stuff just tell me. and if you need anything, just tell me. feel better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Tue, 11-18-2003 - 12:50am

((((((((Andrea)))))))), it is good to see a post from you!

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Tue, 11-18-2003 - 12:57am

((((((((((Voguegirl15)))))))))), thank you so much for that post!

 

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CL-ladybug987