Had A Rough Day

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Had A Rough Day
2
Tue, 11-18-2003 - 8:48pm
Hi everyone, I had a really rough day today. Today, was my first day back after trying to recover for 3 weeks. Work went ok. I don't know if any of you remember but I was going to compete in a Powerlifting Championship next month, I had to withdraw b/c of my depression and hospitalization. Well, today, the roster was e-mailed to me and I got to see everyone's name but my own. ;'( I couldn't get over the thinking that "MY name is supposed to be there along with everyone else's. I had worked so hard to go to the state championships and now it's gone." Right after that, my boyfriend's sister told me of 3 people we know we are pregnant. I just didn't want to hear it, of course I exuded happiness but I felt just awful. I was so angry that everyone else's dreams were coming true while mine were being destroyed. I was so angry that every bit of happiness I've ever had in my life this year was swept out from under me faster than I knew what was happening. Please don't get me wrong I don't begrudge ANYONE's good fortune or happiness, they all deserve it immensely and would never wish harm. However, it still makes me angry.

My meds are causing me problems. The trileptal was just increased to 300 mgs (nowhere near a therapeutic dose) and I was soooo spacey today, my stomach hurt, I kept going tot he bathroom, I was dizzy and lightheaded. I started to freak out b/c I really felt sick. I went to the gym tonight eventhough that was the LAST thing that I wanted. I really wanted to just go home and sleep. But I went anyway, and surprisingly, I had one of my best squat workouts. I squatted heavier than I have in 2 months and it felt great. So despite my lightheadedness, I did well. However, a HUGE HUGE wave of despair and depression overcame me. I skipped my abs and calves and when I got to my car, my eyes overflowed with tears and I started crying hysterically. I feel like such a pathetic failure.

I see my pdoc and therapist tomorrow, thank goodness. It couldn't have come at a better time.

Anyway, I just needed to come here and vent and let someone know that I'm wasn't ok today. I hope everyone else had a good day.

Christina

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Tue, 11-18-2003 - 10:18pm
(((Christina)))

I can't imagine how you felt seeing your comptetitors names on the list and knowing that yours should be on there, too.

All I can say is that when you finally do get there, and I know that you will, you can feel all that much more pride in knowing how much harder you had to work to get there.

Please take care. I am sending you big hugs.

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 11-18-2003 - 11:04pm
((((((((Christina))))))))

I am not in a real good place right now, but wanted to send you a huge cyber hug! You really are a wonderful person. Hang in there sweetie!!!

((((((((((((((((((((((CHRISTINA))))))))))))))))))))))

Foggy