Misery..men and disappointment

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2003
Misery..men and disappointment
1
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 5:55am
I was miserable today. I can't say why forsure...I know that the stress from the "baby" fiasco has a lot to do with it. I had to have MORE blood work done today but I know in the long run it's good and we will finally know for sure about the "baby".

I think it hasn't helped that I am getting excited about maybe being pregnant. I have been wanting this so bad for almost two years now. About 24hrs ago I started looking at Nusery furniture. WOW they have some beautiful things at babiesrus.com I never knew I could fall in love with a crib but I did....not that it's the one I will be getting but it's so fabulous! Then I started to realise that I may be jumping the gun a bit with the baby shopping and setting myself up for a big fall. I want to stop looking but it's like a car accident...no matter how much you don't want to look you just can't help it.

I have been having crying spells but I do it in hiding...I think we have all been there....having a shower so you can cry and no one can see and if they do they can't tell for sure if you are crying or got soap in your eye.

I also get mad sometimes....and I don't know what to do. If anyone read my first post they know about the men in my life that have let me down. Well the depth of my depression can be accredited to those two men and they are both dead....sometimes I get mad at them for helping me get HERE. Then they get to die!!?? Just doesn't seem fair I guess. I wanted them to live to see me SO HAPPY. To see me raising a family the way a family SHOULD be raised. To see that even though they were the male influences in my life I didn't end up with a loser like them. I wanted them to see me choose a REAL man. One that will stand by his family no matter what. One that has so much love to give and DOES! A man that doesn't think all the answers are at the bottom of a bottle! And that is the man that I have choosen and married. Neither of them are here to see it. I think that sucks!

Speaking of men that aren't men at all.....I know this is wrong and I shouldn't be this way but i can't help myself. Last weekend I found out that the ex that slept with my friend (if you read other post it's a bit more clear) has taken up mountain biking. This is great to hear since he'd gotten pretty chunky and that is a great way to stay in shape (I'm trying to be a good sport) Anyway He did what i like to call a LIP STAND off his bike and ripped off the left side of his face. Now I know I shouldn't get any pleasure from this but I can't help myself. I was hurt emotionally by a man that is dead inside....and now he's hurting physically and has no one to blame but himself....I know BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD Dru...and yes I am ashamed of myself but I honestly did chuckle a bit when I heard.

I shouldn't feel any of this but I do and I needed to say it to someone who wouldn't think i was completely off my rocker for taking pleasure in his pain.....normally I wouldn't but I think the hormones have something to do with it!!

I more or less just needed to get some of that out...and I feel a bit better

Thanks for reading

Dru

Avatar for all_girls4me
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 10:44am
Dru, I didn't know that you might be pregnant. Wow that's great. I hope you get the results you want. And yes, they do have cute stuff....lol. I have 3 girls, and with each one of them I looked around and found more cute stuff. Having a child can be one of the most rewarding and wonderful experiences in your life,I hope you'll enjoy it.

Hugs Ilka



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