no work... 5 more minutes!
Find a Conversation
no work... 5 more minutes!
| Thu, 11-20-2003 - 1:56pm |
the workforce is too stressful, i want to hit snooze and pause the stress for awhile!
i think that i am going to have to give up this full time modeling thing. my agent never sends me on anything anymore, she has taken to sending only the girls who kiss up to her the very most. i know that sounds bitter, but believe me it is true. she doesn't send people based on talent or who is right for the job, but who buys her presents and kisses up the most and i hate her so much i can't bring myself to join them. it makes me feel like i am selling myself by lying so that i can work. it is beyond getting along, making connections, and normal boss kissing up. she called me today to tell me that the unemployment office contacted my agency for money for me because i was trying to do the right thing and report to the government the money that i had made. she embarrassed me and made me feel like an idiot. i am beginning to hate modeling. i think i need a job that i can count on, that pays me on time and that doesn't make me feel horrible if at 5'8" i am 120 pounds. i have realized how insecure this profession is making me which may seem ironic. i have never felt uglier or more insecure about every flaw. i have always felt great about my weight, and here i am totally skinny, and worrying that i am fat and flabby- don't worry i know better. it is just an odd world where i truly am considered "fat" by being a skinny girl who isn't anorexic. it is hard to give up, because it was my dream. but i think reality needs to kick in and i need to realize that even if i did everything that i could to get the farthest i could in this modeling world, 1. it wouldn't last and 2. it wouldn't make me feel good about myself. i have a photo shoot monday for my acting agency, i think i will go through with it and pursue that a bit on the side. we'll see. ok, now for the job hunt.
i think that i am going to have to give up this full time modeling thing. my agent never sends me on anything anymore, she has taken to sending only the girls who kiss up to her the very most. i know that sounds bitter, but believe me it is true. she doesn't send people based on talent or who is right for the job, but who buys her presents and kisses up the most and i hate her so much i can't bring myself to join them. it makes me feel like i am selling myself by lying so that i can work. it is beyond getting along, making connections, and normal boss kissing up. she called me today to tell me that the unemployment office contacted my agency for money for me because i was trying to do the right thing and report to the government the money that i had made. she embarrassed me and made me feel like an idiot. i am beginning to hate modeling. i think i need a job that i can count on, that pays me on time and that doesn't make me feel horrible if at 5'8" i am 120 pounds. i have realized how insecure this profession is making me which may seem ironic. i have never felt uglier or more insecure about every flaw. i have always felt great about my weight, and here i am totally skinny, and worrying that i am fat and flabby- don't worry i know better. it is just an odd world where i truly am considered "fat" by being a skinny girl who isn't anorexic. it is hard to give up, because it was my dream. but i think reality needs to kick in and i need to realize that even if i did everything that i could to get the farthest i could in this modeling world, 1. it wouldn't last and 2. it wouldn't make me feel good about myself. i have a photo shoot monday for my acting agency, i think i will go through with it and pursue that a bit on the side. we'll see. ok, now for the job hunt.

I think liking your job is an absolute must. I have worked at a job that I totally hated an it affected my whole life.
And...I don't want you getting some warped body image because of some anorexic girls.
Anyway, take care
Pamela
Wow! You are an actress and a model? That is a great accomplishment.
I am so glad to here that you are NOT starving yourself. I'm sure the pressures in that industry are so stressful...which is why I must ask you. Are you at peace with your job? Does it make you feel confident and beautiful, or does it make you feel depressed and self-concious? And what is considered fat and flabby in the modeling world? An extra layer of skin? You are obviously a gorgeous woman with great capabilities and dreams. Do what you love. Do what makes you feel happy inside.
I don't know how you do that job and survive. Being in that constant competition would kill me. I gave up an eating disorder a couple years ago...with it I also had to give up all my cosmo mags etc. because all those pictures of beautiful women were so triggering. The emptiness during that time was so horrible...I couldn't even feel love. All that consumed me was my image.
I give you so much credit for doing what you do and not starving yourself. It really must be incredibly difficult. If you are not happy, please just take a little bit of time off. Do some of the other things that you love to do! It is just my intuition, which could be totally wrong, but I think you need time to find yourself. Who are you on the inside? You are hurting and wanting more out of life! Take a break. Breathe. Enjoy life. Do some of the activities or hobbies that you love. Paint a picture, write lyrics or poetry, volunteer, whatever. Life is too short to be consumed by sadness!
Hugs to you girl.
Love, Rose
i have had photo shoots with photographers today and yesterday, and remembered that this is something that is hard but fun. i am going to do what i was doing before, and get another job on the side and pursue what i am doing until i don't want to do it anymore. i'm going to focus more on developing my acting career and less on the runway. i am going to cut off ties with the agent that i don't think is nice or healthy for me or my career. she did give me a great check though today- nice goodbye present. ok, i won't keep going on, just wanted to say thanks and your kindness and words helped.
Sorry I haven't been around in so long. Things have been crazy, but have just slowed
down for a few weeks.
I know EXACTLY what you mean about modeling. I did it because people always told
me that I should, but it just made me feel awful about myself. I was 5'8" and 115 pounds,
but they always told me I needed to lose ten pounds. It was sick. I starved myself before
auditions and exercised all the time. I had pictures of skinny women on the walls to inspire
me to diet. I was in high school, so I had less perspective on the business than you obviously
have. It was so good for me when I quit doing that. The entertainment industry in
general is all about the outside. It is shallow and invalidating by its very nature. It's tragic.
I'm so glad that I don't have to be obsessive about my appearance anymore. It great to
be able to not worry about that stuff. Models can never be perfect enough.
Take Care,
MariaC
Trixie
P.S. I agree...120 at 5'8" is not normal. I am 5'2" and weighed that much in HS...and I was skinny then. Just thought I'd share...