Crashed? - Triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Crashed? - Triggers
7
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 11:40pm
I feel really guilty right now about posting this when everyone else is having such a rough go. For some reason I was so totally wired all day today and there is no explanation for it. I couldn't find enough to do. At first I did "good" things, but then I started feeling kind of out of control. Wanting to do things that probably arent smart. Acting on some of them. Fighting like no tomorrow not to act on the others. Now, I"m back to where I've been and the noise is even louder than before. I'm scared and I don't know what to do. Can anyone tell me what's going on, why this is happening? I've been fighting the noise for so long, and it just gets louder. Repeating the same things over and over. I'm starting to think there's something to what I"m hearing. I didn't want it to be true, but it won't go away. Can anyone relate? Help?

Foggy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 11:57pm
Foggy -

I can relate to feeling unexplicably good for a few hours or a day, and to intrusive thoughts. It's hard to say exactly what's going on with you. The noises you mentioned, are they your own thoughts being repeated over and over or are they like voices?? I'm sorry that may seem like a stupid question but I'm just trying to better understand. To me, it sounds like the noise is just your own intrusive thoughts being repeated like a broken record.

It sounds like bipolar depression, whether it's I or II, I'm not really sure, but it's probably more I. It seems like you are cycling rapidly.

I don't know if this helps you or not, but sometimes having a name to the things we are experiencing and putting it into a neat little package, makes us feel better. We may not necessarily feel we're going "crazy."

Oh by the way, congratulations to you for fighting the destructive and intrusive thoughts. Keep fighting.

Christina

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 12:17am
Christina,

Thanks for the reply. The noise is my own voice inside my head. What I've been battling for weeks now is that noise telling me exactly what I'm "worth". The harder I fight it, the louder it gets. Which makes me think that it may be right. It hurts so bad and I don't know what to do with it all. I just want it to go away. I just don't feel like I can keep fighting this. Doc 4 years ago said it was depression, treated me for 3 years and took me off meds and ended therapy a year and a half ago. I was fine for a year. Then things started changing in my home life and the beast set back in, only it took me from July to October to figure this out. I called and made an appt. 1st available was 11/19. A week after I made the appointment, the noise started and I was finally convinced to go to the er and get put back on zoloft. The depression got worse and continues to get worse. Today was the first day I had hope and then it was ripped away from me. Only to be replaced with the louder noise telling me that my kids would be better off without me. I'm just confused and scared right now. Trying to survive from one minute to the next. Thanks again.

Foggy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 12:26am
Foggy -

Being in may situations where I was very scared and confused, I can relate. I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. I would talk to your doctor again and tell him/her how out of control your life has become. There has got to be a medication or a combination of meds that will work well for you. Zoloft may still work for you, but it takes a long time for these medications to really kick in and take effect.

In the course of our recovery from depression, we will have bad days. It may seem like we are having more bad days then good ones. But hold on to the days that are GOOD. Hold on to those days because it will be those days that will carry you through the bad days.

Foggy, I'd suggest calling your pdoc and explaining all this to him. He may be able to really put your mind at ease or give you something to put your mind at ease literraly.

Take care of yourself, you deserve it.

Christina

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 1:40am

((((((((((((((((((((((((Foggy))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I read a book years ago about the gremlins that sit on our shoulders and say things about us.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 6:51am
(((((((((((FOGGY)))))))))))))))

Jenn, here- just wanting to send you support & love your way.

Keep fighting girl- you can do this.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 11:23am


(((((((((((((((((((((((FOGGY)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I cant tell you enough how strong you are you are a fighter and I know that you will continue to fight.

I am proud of you that you were able to keep those actions and intrusive impulses at bay that is a very big thing to be able to do I know I go thru it myself.

I also agree that maybe you have bipolar 1 or 2 to me it sounds like 2 that you may have I was diagnosed with cyclothymic disorder which is a chronic form of bipolar disorder but less severe but always cycling from good to bad to normal to really bad to extra hyper.

I swear it sounds like what uou are going thru is what I am going thru.

Maybe you should look into a mood stabilizer plus an anti depressant the combo may be really helpful for you.

I know what you are feeling with the noise the voice in your head that is so intrusive so horrible telling you bad things about yourself making you in time believe it to be right , but sweety fight it hard as best you can do not believe the voice it is just the depression talking none of it means a thing none of it is true you are such an amazing person with a big heart beautiful soul you are so worth this fight that you are doing and you will win it.

good luck hun and keep up the fight you will see that as the time goes by you will feel better you will see the light

thinking of you.

erin

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 2:08pm
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Foggy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))