HOPELESS
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HOPELESS
| Sat, 11-22-2003 - 3:00pm |
I wanted to thank those of you who responded to my post I appreciate it.
Keith died in a car accident but they found evidence that didnt ad up right I think someone else was in the car that was not originally said which means someone was there who didnt speak up 2 months ago.
The thing is this is still fresh this is still very painful it has been only two months and I havent fully let myself take it all in and I had a letter read to me today that Keiths mother wrote regarding the months leading up to Keiths death and it felt like a knife cutting thru me I am at work mind you hearing all of this and I just take it all in and keep it in cant let the pain show cant be weak cause that is what I am weak.
Over these past few weeks I have grown more and more numb more and more calm but not a good calm almost a calm before the storm I was this way last year about this time but it started at the summertime last year and lasted til june of this year so I had a full year of feeling this way then I felt okay and now it is coming back again and it isnt the holidays I know that Ifelt this along time ago and now with all that is going on it just keeps getting worse and worse and I try to hold on be strong but I just cant do it anymore.
I am alone and I know that all of you will say no I am not but I am my friends arent around the one friend I can talk to is living in another state now the others dont know about what is wrong with me so I cant talk to them my therapist isnt around for me to reach on the weekends I dont speak with my sister because to her I am too negative and she doesnt care anymore doesnt want to deal with it anymore I dont blame her she deserves to live her own life not worry about mine.
so you see I am alone I have this board but it cant give me a hug like a real one with arms around me not that I dont appreciate all that you say and do for me because I do and it does make a difference but I need a human and there are none here for me.
I have sliced and diced myself which is new for me dont know why I am doing that but I have maybe as practice to see how much it will hurtmaybe cause the blood makes me see that i am real maybe because since I cant show the pain I can feel it, I dont know why I do what I do to myself hate for myself I dont know .
I am supposed to be better I am supposed to be happy I am on meds I am not supposed to be this way I am not a bad person I am not the best person in the world but bad I am not maybe I am though and I just dont see it and that is why things are the way they are with me I deserve this dont I.
There is no more hope left ths is it for me
this is it this is the begining of the end
Erin
Keith died in a car accident but they found evidence that didnt ad up right I think someone else was in the car that was not originally said which means someone was there who didnt speak up 2 months ago.
The thing is this is still fresh this is still very painful it has been only two months and I havent fully let myself take it all in and I had a letter read to me today that Keiths mother wrote regarding the months leading up to Keiths death and it felt like a knife cutting thru me I am at work mind you hearing all of this and I just take it all in and keep it in cant let the pain show cant be weak cause that is what I am weak.
Over these past few weeks I have grown more and more numb more and more calm but not a good calm almost a calm before the storm I was this way last year about this time but it started at the summertime last year and lasted til june of this year so I had a full year of feeling this way then I felt okay and now it is coming back again and it isnt the holidays I know that Ifelt this along time ago and now with all that is going on it just keeps getting worse and worse and I try to hold on be strong but I just cant do it anymore.
I am alone and I know that all of you will say no I am not but I am my friends arent around the one friend I can talk to is living in another state now the others dont know about what is wrong with me so I cant talk to them my therapist isnt around for me to reach on the weekends I dont speak with my sister because to her I am too negative and she doesnt care anymore doesnt want to deal with it anymore I dont blame her she deserves to live her own life not worry about mine.
so you see I am alone I have this board but it cant give me a hug like a real one with arms around me not that I dont appreciate all that you say and do for me because I do and it does make a difference but I need a human and there are none here for me.
I have sliced and diced myself which is new for me dont know why I am doing that but I have maybe as practice to see how much it will hurtmaybe cause the blood makes me see that i am real maybe because since I cant show the pain I can feel it, I dont know why I do what I do to myself hate for myself I dont know .
I am supposed to be better I am supposed to be happy I am on meds I am not supposed to be this way I am not a bad person I am not the best person in the world but bad I am not maybe I am though and I just dont see it and that is why things are the way they are with me I deserve this dont I.
There is no more hope left ths is it for me
this is it this is the begining of the end
Erin

((((((((((((((((((((Erin))))))))))))))))))))))
Sweetie,
I am so worried about you.
Sweetie, PLEASE either call the hotline that Trac suggested or your friend out of state. If you need, I can call you, just e-mail me your #. Honey, right now I want you to know that you will make it through this. I need for you to get the help and support that you so richly deserve. You are a very important person to me and I want you to stay safe. I NEED for you to stay safe! We love you honey.
Foggy
My young adult daughter is diagnosed borderline personality disorder, bi-polar, anorexic-bulemic. She is in recovery now for over two years, though we still struggle on occasion with the triggers. I asked her the other day, why she used to cut herself. She said "To release the pain".
I do not know who Keith is and what he was to you. But have you ever thought about, what he would think about how you are living now?
It sounds from your posting, he would want better for you.
Please allow yourself to grieve. It won't hurt near as much as what you are feeling now.
Here are two excellent books, and you can check them out at the public library:
"The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie
"A Reason to Live" by Melody Beattie
If you want books on borderline personality disorder, these have been out long enough to be in a library as well:
"Stop Walking on Eggshells"
"I Hate You, Don't Leave Me"
Blessings and take care of yourself.