New here.... In need of support

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2003
New here.... In need of support
7
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 4:20am
Hi everyone,

I am new to this board. I've frequented "20 something hangout" for a couple of months now, but someone directed me to this board. To be honest, I am tired of laying out my life story (nothing terrible happened to me in my past, like I haven't battled cancer or lost my parents or been raped), but I was abused by my first boyfriend and my father the last two years I was in highschool. I have a hard time trusting males, and I am constantly jealous in relationships (my first boyfriend also cheated on me many many times - I didn't find out until after we broke up) and I have incredible anger issues. I'm not talking punching holes in walls but there are words that come out of my mouth that you wouldn't expect a catholic girl to say! Anyways, I'm 21, I quit school for the moment to come home and recuperate (heal). Dealing with all these issues gets a bit overwhelming and I do my best to escape in a book or a funny movie. I am on antidepressants and seeing a counsellor (which helps). I am also reading a lot of self help books. The bad part. Healing doesn't happen overnight, my town is very secluded (no friends here), and I just broke up with my boyfriend of 7 months. How do I take this day by day? Any suggestions? I would appreciate it soooo much, as I'm barely hanging on here. I have trouble sleeping and I've lost 10 pounds since I moved home (only three weeks ago). I'm desperate for support and advice, I just need to know there are people out there who care, especially those who might have ideas to help me get through the day. I try to keep busy but its incredibly hard to get out of bed when I have nothing to look forward to. I miss my boyfriend so much but my depression became too much to him (and my anger too), so on top of that I have incredible guilt.

Anyways, thanks for listening, I really needed to vent.

Cheryl :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 8:51am
Cheryl;

Welcome!!

I read recently in another post, written by our very "wise" leader Traci, that guilt is an area that should be allowed to be procrastinated on-my version not hers-but the gist is the same. If you can pick anything to "set aside" and deal with it later, guilt is the first thing to do so. It is insidious, and can undermine soooo many other things!!

Thank you for sharing your story with us! Take it from me, I'm fairly new here too, you've come to the right place for support!! Depression is a funny duck. It has it's "classic" symptoms, but each of us has our own version. Just like our lives. You've got a good base going!! Talking to a professional always helps, they have insights that we don't. Here though, you'll find that you're not alone. Not at all!!

You have every right to be angry!! As an abuse survivor myself, I understand that rage!! Mine too, affects those around me, usually the ones that I really wish it wouldn't. But it tends to have a mind of its own, does it not? I'm hoping that your counselor is working with you on this. This one is a biggie, as it affects everything, everyday. There is light at the end of the tunnel though!! You're asking for help, suggestions, support. That's the difference!!! You know, that this is something you want to control, not the other way around. That's a big part of the battle!!

As for how to get through each day. Focus on getting through the next minute, when you need to. Make that your goal. When that's over, take the next and the next. That's how we do things. Baby steps. Take them, use them!! It does get easier. Please don't place too much on yourself right now. You're in a fragile place. Treat yourself as such!! As a fragile flower, crystal vase, etc. Gently. It will come.

I'll keep you in my thoughts, Cheryl!!

Blessed Be!

Laure

Blessed Be!

Laure-co-cl on migraines & headaches

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 11:08am
Welcome Cheryl.

I don't think I could say it any better than Laure just did.

It sounds like you have a right to be angry. The key is to release it in a healthy manner and with your counselors assistance, and your own research, it sounds like you are on your way to finding that manner.

I had a hard time trusting males, other than my son, who kept reminding me that all men are not the same. It took me almost 5 years to "bring my last foot inside the door" in this marriage. I sure am glad that I did. It made me stronger.

I would do what you said and take this day by day. And like you said watching something funny, maybe the comedy channel, or rent an old movie..."Folks" is my favorite funny movie with Tom Selleck and "Life Stinks" with Mel Brooks is another one and they both are old enough to only rent for maybe a dollar.

You really sound like you know yourself and you sound like you know alot about helping yourself. I know it is just harder to implement that knowledge. Is there someone else in your area you could help or a place to volunteer? A wise person once told me that the best thing you could do for yourself, was to help another.

Keep working towards your goal and keep up in touch here.

Blessings

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 11:21am
(((Cheryl)))

I read your profile and we have alot in common. I love animals, especially horses, I would love to have a ranch and help animals in need.

Anyway, you said you are on meds. Maybe you need to be on a higher dose or maybe even switch meds. It is great that you are seeing a counselor, it really helps.

I broke up with a long time boyfriend a couple of months ago, and it sure is hard. I, too, have issues trusting guys. Sometimes they suck.

Anyway, please take care and I hope to hear more from you.

Pamela

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 6:38pm

Welcome Cheryl!


Im glad you found us!

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2003
Thu, 11-27-2003 - 9:39pm
Thanks everyone for the replies... I am still taking it day by day, and taking baby steps is a good idea. I'm having more trouble sleeping but I'm eating so much now! I don't know if its just hormones (being a girl and all).... But I will probably gain the weight back. I honestly would love to be on a routine where I can get up go for a run, even have a job.... But as for now I will take it day by day. I am reading this great book on depression now, it talks about how your thoughts contribute to depression (a lot!) and if you can change your thinking, you change your outlook.

I hope to post back here again, I really want to help other people too.

Cheryl :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 11-27-2003 - 10:50pm
If you like to read books, I have some great ones. One is called "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David Burns, MD. It's a great step-by-step book using Cognitive Behavior Therapy. That form of therapy has the most success with depression. Another book that might really help is a great one called, "The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse" by Albert Ellis and Marcia Grad Powers. That one is EXCELLENT. I recommend both of them.

When I look back on the worst times of my depression in the past few years, I wish that I had gotten into Cognitive Therapy much earlier. It has helped me with my thought processes. It has taught me to notice when I ruminate and dwell on negative things. It takes me down and keeps me there. I was in that depression for years. I have had long periods of happiness in the last year. I still struggle with depression, but I've learned to notice what I'm thinking, the generalizations I make about unrelated events.

Another really effective thing to do is to let your anger out in a healthy way. If you have all of this pain and anger inside of you, it needs to come out. If you don't let it out, then it becomes depression. For years psychiatrists and psychologists have maintained that depression is anger turned inwards on yourself.

If you take action to let your anger out in a healthy way, you will change your state from depression. You will start the healing process.

I've found some great, really effective ways to let out my anger. My favorite is screaming at the top of my lungs while I'm driving down the freeway in my car. No one can hear you, so you can really let loose. Trac, a CL of this board does this one too. Louise Hay, the famous self-help author, does this one too.

Another great method is to yell into a pillow or into the water in your bathtub. I've also beaten on pillows or on my bad. That's really good. I focus on sending all of my anger out through the scream or through my fists when I'm beating on the pillow. I do it until I'm hoarse, or tired. They say you have to let the feeling out completely. But even starting to let it out turns the energy ouward instead of in on yourself.

After you start to let you anger out, then Cognitive Therapy helps you to change the way you view yourself and your life, so you don't keep upsetting yourself with distorted generalizations and negative beliefs about yourself.

Another thing to do to fill your time is to force yourself to do some kind of aerobic exercise. I know that it takes all of your nonexistent energy when you are depressed. But 20 minutes a day of aerobic exercise has been proven to have as much or more success in overcoming depression than antidepressants have. I can testify to how powerful exercise is to help depression. But it can take up to 3 weeks of aerobic exercise almost every day to start to feel the endorphins all of the time.

Those are all of the things that have worked for me.

Hope they help.

Take Care,

Maria

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 11-28-2003 - 12:47am

((((((((((Cheryl)))))))))))) Welcome sweetie!