alone,unwanted dead inside TRIGGERS
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| Mon, 11-24-2003 - 10:52am |
That is the question that I ask myself all of the time each and everyday when I wake up in the morning, Am I wanted? Am I needed? DO I have purpose?
I saw my best friend on sunday the one who now lives in Mass, she just literally appeared at my door sunday morning, I was still asleep which is odd for me considering it was after 10am and I had fallen alseep around 10:30 Saturday night so she saw my arm and said jokingly you did it the wrong way not across but up and down your arm if you want to die, I know her reason for saying that it wasnt to push me along it was to open up my eyes I have known this girl for 25 years so I know her way of working but it didnt open up my eyes not one bit.
Keith was to me my savior he always protected me made me feel safe made me laugh when I wanted to cry he was so unbelievable I will always love him he was like my brother you know the kind that always was there for you protected you and I know he loved me so much an dI know that he would not like to see me this way but he isnt here to help me anymore to save me.
I just feel like there is no purpose for me I feel that my little boy doesnt need me since he has his step mother and he calls her mommy and I am mommy Erin my sister and I hardly say two words to each other I am not close to my mom at all I have never been much in her eyes just the screw up of the family in her eyes I never did a thing right and I never will there is no love for me in her heart at all never was or at least that is how I feel.
I am one of those peole that really believes that I do not deserve to be happy that I do not deserve to laugh smile that I do not deserve to love or be loved that I have to punish myself for the things tht I have done one way I did that was working out for two hours a day everyday and if I didnt do that than I would metally beat myself up when my life felt out of control I would control my eating and I just would stop eating and if I did eat I would yet again beat myself up mentally and I deserved all of it.
So since I stopped weighing myself everyday and beating myself up over the weight and taking diet pills and laxatives and vomiting I need to punish myself another way I need to remind myself how horrible I am, hence why I do what I do to myself, to remind myself that I deserve the pain the heart ache ect....that is why I have unsafe sex (I am on this thngs called pops now) or why I get involved with these men who could give a crap about me why I drink too much whenI go out why I did cocaine why I cut myself but that I feel now is almost a practice for me at this point in time I go a little deeper each time trying to hit the right vein seeing how far I can go.
I just see no point to it all anymore is there light at the end of the tunnel?
Is there hope for the desperatly hopeless?
Do I really deserve to find happiness and love and be able to smile and not be self destructive?
I dont see it anymore I am not wanted by anyone near me I am not needed I am alone
and I kno wI will always be alone.
Thanks for all of you time all of your kind words all of your support but Ifeel that you all have wasted it on me when there is some one who deserves all of that and I dont deserve all that you ladies have done for me .
Erin

Ruth, Single Mom to
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How come we all can tell each other that we deserve to be happy, but we don't think we deserve it for ourselves. I am the same way.
My Ash and I were really close, too. He was like my little brother. I went to see his grave yesterday. I always sit and "talk with him". I told him that I wish I would've known what he was going through, but that I can understand what it is like to feel like there is no way out. Alot of people don't understand why I go out there all the time. I used to go every second day. But I have slowly cut back. I guess I just don't want him to think that I have forgotten him, although I know he isn't there.
Do you have a journal? I know it really helps me when I write things down. You might even try writing Keith a letter. I did that after Ashley died.
I also want to apologize. I answered a post, and I wrote that Keith died in a motorcycle accident, and I realize that it is wrong, he died in a car accident.
I just want you to know that if you want to talk about him with me, you can. I know it helps me when I can talk about Ashley. Feel free to email ANYTIME! serenitycouragewisdom@hotmail.com
Thinking of you.
Pamela
Sweetie, I know you are going through a really rough time right now. I'm sending you a bunch of hugs. I wish I could do more right now. I'm thinking of you hon.
Foggy
Trixie