Something in the water.. *triggers*

Avatar for karenmrh
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Something in the water.. *triggers*
7
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 11:35am
...I guess since so many of us are miserable. Probably the holidays.

This is the entry in my "Mood Chart":

"Morning: Want, going to SI – need to slow stuff down. Temper out of control. Anything can set me off. I need to stay away from anything that does. Want to die and the consequences. Twitchy, tiger & Red on my back. Paranoia/psychosis: bugs and I’m going to lose me job."

"Called and left a message, like I promised . called: seemed annoyed, advised me that I needed to be hospitalized, if I was feeling out of control and suicidal. I explained how that would be virtually impossible – I’d lose my kids and my job. She said we had tried eveything we could with the meds. She said she wanted to call her not the other way around because she has back-to-back patients. I feel so worthless I don’t have words."

What keeps me going is my kids and my responsibilities - job and the bills and the mortgage.

I can't lose them, I might as well blow my head off. AND YES, I will lose them if I go into the hospital, no joke, even partial day.

I am unworthy of treatment, I mean there are people who see things that aren't there much more than I. *slightly hysterical chuckle*

My tdoc stressed I had to call my pdoc, but I knew I wasn't worthy of attention, I mean I'll survive somehow, I always do, no matter what the cost.

I'm just hoping I don't come to need the alcohol I use to get to sleep, or the cutting to stop the thoughts, the pressure...I have to function even if it means killing myself slowly.

Hugs and Always Appreciation,

KarenMRH

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 12:39pm


(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Karen))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry that you are going through such a bad time at this moment these days,

If you were to seek help at the hospital you would really loose your children what is so horrible is it your ex or something? sorry for the question it isnt my business.

You are worthy of attention and of help and you are worthy of happiness and you will be happy someday soon this wont last forever.

I am not in such a good spot right now so I wish I could give you better advice and support all I can give you is those nice cyber hugs and to let you know that you are in my thoughts and I am sending you strength and love and support

Avatar for karenmrh
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 12:41pm
Well something new...my tdoc convinced my pdoc she needed to try sending me to a consultant! (I think she's probably glad to get rid of me. Most pdocs do throw up their hands before too long, which is when I give up too and just don't go anymore.)

But it's something...if I believed in God(s) I'd be on my knees begging for something other than this torture. But I don't, so all I do is endure and try to ignore the stuff in my head and the bugs I see and the feeling that people are talking about me and that I'm gonna lose my job.

I really do. How strong is my will? How Strong am I?

Hugs,

KarenMRH

Avatar for karenmrh
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 12:46pm
Thank You sooooo much!

Yes my STBX is that bad. I'd lose the kids permanently, and probably never see them again. Also the house, my job, my dog, my cat and everything I own.

Not an option if I don't want to have a reason NOT to kill myself.

Love & Hugs,

KarenMRH

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 12:47pm
((((Karen))))

Sweetie, I am soooo sorry to hear that you are in such a rough spot right now. I don't know what I can offer right now other than many hugs for you and to let you know you are in my thoughts right now. Hang in there hon.

(((((((((((((KAREN)))))))))))))))

Foggy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 12:55pm
((((((((((Karen))))))))))

Sweetie, I wish there was something I could do for you. It hurts to hear of your deep pain.

All I can tell you is that my friend Ashely died by his own hand, and so many of us miss him so much and wish that he would have talked to us about it. Is there any family or friends that you can pour your heart out to right now?

Please know that you are an important person and that you deserve to be happy. I heard this saying once, and although I don't belive in god either, I like how it sounds. You aren't given anything you can't handle. That gives me confidence in that I can make it through.

Take care Karen. I will be thinking of you and sending support.

Pamela

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Avatar for karenmrh
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 12:58pm
I'm so sorry to bug you all....but I thought I should share the next installment of:

As Karen's Mind Turns...Insane *booming baratone voice & appropriate music*

OK I know I'm very weird & inappropriate right now.

calls and says, yeah you can get a second opinion/consultant, but you need to get Tricare approval and find one yourself, the only ones she could recommend are the ones there at the clinic (their experience & training level is the same as my current pdoc).

I feel like I'm here flapping in the wind.....I mean what's the point in bothering?

Hugs,

KarenMRH

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 9:06pm

(((((Karen))))), when you feel like you are at the end of your rope it is time to tie a knot and hang on.

 

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