Could Use some Womanly Advice...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Could Use some Womanly Advice...
5
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 12:47pm
First of all, hello ladies. I hope everyone has been doing well and taking care of themselves. *Hugz* I'm just pretty confused right now and could use some advice. There's not many people I can talk to about this b/c I feel pretty embarrassed for not being able to control my thoughts and not understanding them. It's just that lately, I've been reminiscing about past loves. My mind keeps trailing back to a couple of guys that I was really crazy about back in the day. There's one guy particularly. It was kind of a mutual break up, I guess. I was also a differant person going through many difficult times at that point in my life and I made a bad decision. I didn't put him first and was quick to let go. I tried to keep in touch with him, but it grew awkward b/c I still cared about him. I tried to straighten out my life and get back with him, but contact with him was limited being as we were both busy highschool students. My dilemma is this...I'm with someone now. I do love him, but we have our problems and lately I've been feeling as though we're just not going to work out. It's sad, but I think we're just more incompatible than we first realized. We've both changed quite a bit. I'm growing up, and he's..well, not. THis guy I dated a while ago, he was everything I could imagine perfection to be. I'm not saying that I'm so in love with this ex that I don't know what to do...I just can't stop thinking about him. Would it be weird for me to try to contact him, to say hi..to see how he's been over the years? I just don't know if that would be weird. If he has a girlfriend, she might get pissed off and I don't want to disrespect anyone. And what if he thinks I really hurt him back then and becomes annoyed by even a mere letter. I guess I'd be afraid of him hating me and thinking of me as a loser. And what if he hasn't thought about me since and doesn't really remember who I am? And why on earth am I feeling these feelings and so strongly? Does it mean something? Why am I now regretting my decisions with my past boyfriends? It's confusing me. I can't even concentrate on anything else. It's frustrating and aggrivating, and if it were honestly up to me, I wouldn't be having these thoughts. ARGH! It makes me feel so juvenlie and immature and I hate it. I can't even kiss my boyfriend now without feeling weird about it. Like I'm cheating or something...and I'm not. Well, I guess I am in my mind. It's just horrible. I had to "fake it" in bed last night b/c I kept thinking about the other guy and I just felt wrong. I almost called out the other guys name...that's not like me. Not at all. I feel so horrible about it. Is any of this normal? God...I just don't know. I dont' have any friends that I can talk to about this. There's no one I can trust, and it's so embarrassing. If it's normal, then it'll go away eventually, so why make a big deal about it now? But if it's not normal, and it means that I should do something about it...*sigh*. I'm sorry. I've been going on and on...I'm just so confused right now. Please, any advice would be great. I hate how I feel right now. It's hard to explain. I hate that I feel this way about a guy I once had a few years ago...and not about the guy I'm with now. It's a wonderful feeling inside...I haven't felt it in a long, long time. Years. Please help me. God, how horrible do I sound? How immature do I sound? WHY?!!!!!!!!!!! **smiles** Yes, I'm frustrated, but I try to laugh about it. Thanks ladies. Mucho love for you all. **Hugz** ~Sarah
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 1:05pm


Sarah,

I have been in your spot before and I have called the ex and it worked out okay we hung out he didnt hate me but we remained friends it went a little too far one night and it just didnt feel right to me we dated back in high school but never ever slept together until about 2 year ago when I called him out of the blue he was happy to hear from me but we realized friends was the best way to go.

The other instance I have is with my ex that is my sons father I still love this man more than anything in the world if he were to call me today and ask me back tell me that he got divorsed and he wants to be with me I would go with him in a second I wouldnt have to think twice about it nothing, but iknow that will never happen he is married and loves his wife and is having a baby with her and I like his wife so I just keep it to myself and smile.

I think that before you do anything you should take a look at your relationship now are you sure that you are not doing something to make it not work out the reason I ask is because I have with out really knowing messed up the relationship so take a look at things see where the problem is and work on that then and only then will you be able to see if you are meant to be with this man that you are with now. dont go looking up the old flame with out first trying to make mends with the relationship you are in now if you do that you may end up kicking yourslef afterwards so dont throw what you have now out the door .

I am sorry if I sound mean or like a you know what that is not my intention but I have been in the spot where you are right now and I really messed up my letting go of what I had in pursuit of what I once had and ended up with neither of them.

good luck let us know what happens.

Erin

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 5:28pm
I know it sounds silly. Re-reading it makes me chuckle a bit. It's just so insane. First, these crazy dreams...then, everything reminds me of this guy. And it's just recently, since I've been in zombie mode thinking of him. I thank you for your advice. I, too have ended relationships for the wrong reasons...b/c of other boys. I'm not looking to become re-involved with this guy, I just want to become re-acquanted...to be friends again. I'll always be crazy about him, but I know better than to assume he would even want to speak to me again. I feel a bit better, knowing I'm not messed up in the head for thinking about another guy the way I am. THe guy I'm with now is great, but I honestly can't see it working out in the long run and everyone else around me has been muttering the same things. That he and I are just not right for each other. SOmetimes I wonder why on earth we are still together, but we've become best friends and its hard to let go of even a best friend. This guy of the past...perhaps I think of him b/c I've changed so much since he and I dated. I think of how I would be now and how I bet I'd be a damn good girlfriend after going through everything I have with the current guy. If I can still love this guy after some of the things he's said and done, I can love nearly anybody. But I now have standards. It's almost like when you're dating someone and you break up with them b/c you say "I'm not sure if this is what I want...I need to explore". I feel like I've explored and through everything I've been through and all the guys I've dated since then, he's absolutely perfect. *sigh* I think I need to grow up a bit. This is ridiculous. But, I don't have anyone to really talk to. My sister isn't one to give good advice and keep the issues to herself. My mom's too far away. I don't have any female friends that would understand. I don't have any guy friends. How do you know if what you're feeling is sincere? How the hell do you know when to take what you're feeling seriously? How the hell do you follow your heart if you can't tell what it is your heart is saying? I give myself all sorts of advice all the time. I analyze situations from every possible angle for fear of making another bad decision. I think of things from my point of view and from the other persons point of view. Every time I've ever tried to "go after" someone and tell them how I feel...they back away and its awkward and I'm lucky if they talk to me again. If I sit and wait for mr. perfect to just come along and sweep me off my feet, I'll be waiting a long time, I feel like I'll never meet anyone again that can make me feel like I'm on top of the world...no one that will really truly be just crazy for everything about me. Like those guys in the movies. I'd ask if they even exist, but looking back, I had them...and I let them go. Since I let them go, will I ever be able to find anyone like that again? Hey, I think I just answered my own question as to why I've been thinking about the ex boyfriend. Maybe I'm just scared that I'll never be in love like I was with him and that nobody will ever be as crazy about me as he was. Hmm. Quite ineventful for anyone that took their time to read this...but I'm still going to post it b/c just ranting and raving on this board helped me out.

*sigh* I feel better. All this rambling made sense..to me anyway. I mean, I still feel crappy b/c I'm sad inside. I feel lonely. No friends to go hang out with "whenever" - my current b/f doesn't romance me. When he does nice things for me, he usually benefits in one way or another...he doesn't do things solely to surprise me and to make me feel like there's nobody else he wants to be with. I'm tired of trying. I know I shouldn't expect anything from anybody, but I wouldn't mind knowing that the guy I'm with is happy and absolutely crazy about me. I wonder if I'll ever be good enough for a guy that I'm simply crazy about. I doubt it. Too bad I lack confidence. I'm not ugly...just lack personality. Nobody even wants to be friends with me. *sniffle* Pity party at Sarah's tongiht...Ahh, g'nite ladies. Thanks for the kindly advice. I'm glad I realized that what I was feeling was quite normal...I knew I wasn't in love with the guy...I just figured that there was a logical explanation for it all...and I was right. Tuning into your subconsious mind can answer so many questions you may have about why on earth you feel or think certain ways...same with dreams...there's almost always an underlying meaning, and things aren't quite as they may really appear at first. Woo Hoo! I LOVE figuring myself out. **hugz to you all** I know this was more of a journal entry than me asking for advice. Sorry about that. But I thank you for giving me a place to jot my thoughts down that makes me feel as though I'm actually conversing with the outside world. I don't feel so alone when I come here. Not as alone as I feel in every day life. Love ya' gals. ~Sarah~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 5:45pm
Sarah, hello

Being a more mature woman (numerically anyway), and having been married twice before, my experiences have taught me that with each relationship we go through, we learn something, we grow. We do not always know immediately what it is that we learned and sometimes we really have to sit down and concentrate on how we grew from that experience.

I have also learned from experience, that people break up for a reason. Sure people change...some, but there was still a reason that the relationship did not survive. Really think about what that was.

If you are no longer comfortable in your current relationship, then I feel you should end it for those reasons. It is much easier to concentrate on a fantasy of a past love than to face the problems in the present one.

An example: A friend of my daughter's is currently in the hospital for attempted suicide. He became severly distressed over a breakup with his girlfriend. He and this girlfriend are getting back together. While talking to my daughter about his situation, he proceeds to ask her, if it doesn't work out with this girl, would she consider going out with him??? I don't know, but it sure sounds to me like this getting back together doesn't stand much of a chance, if he's already trying to set up "back up". Needless to say, how insulting I would find it to be considered second choice.

Just some thoughts and a little "Womanly Advice"....remember nothing is written in stone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 7:13pm
i have definitly been there. in my experience, the cliche is true: if it is meant to be, it will be (applicable to both guys). i would say that you should contact this ex, not with the intension of getting back together (at least not at first) but to catch up. i try to live with no regrets, and if you don't talk to him, you'll always wonder. the worst that could happen is that you know that you were not meant to be. but if you don't feel right with the guy you are with and you are thinking that someone else was better, it is good that you recognize this. good luck with everything!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 1:27am

(((((((((((((((((((Sarah))))))))))))))))))))


having been married once to a man who was not necessarily the best of people, who had problems with drinking or behaving like he had been drinking even when he wasn't.