hello again (triggers)...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
hello again (triggers)...
9
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 11:02pm
First of all, i want to send out lots of hugs to all of my friends on this board! i am sorry that i haven't posted in a while...i have been doing nothing but working and reluctantly waking up every morning to put every single ounce of my energy and soul into my job- and as thankful as i am to have a job- ladies i am not kidding you when i say even though my body may be there my mind, logic, and not to mention acurate perception are anywhere BUT with me. I am hardly eating - and yet gaining ALOT of weight (12 pounds in the last couple of months, or maybe even weeks!! who the heck knows anymore- that's another thing my sence of time is non-existant). All i know is that i can honestly say that i am dead inside. i don't feel anything, besides miserable 24/7, and i have managed to not only push my family and close friends away from me- i feel such a "cold" feeling in my relationship with my boyfriend of 2 1/2years. i feel like even though i beat this illness before TWICE- this time it is back with a vengence and there is no way out for me. i guess this was my fate. i just don't know why my life had to be taken away from me at the age of 25 ...i am crying so hard now that i don't know what to do. I was always such an intelligent and loving person who would do all i possibly could for people- and i guess i just cannot comprehend WHY, WHY ,WHY this is happening to me! God help me but i feel like i have totally lost my mind... and no one (especially "supposed" doctors) seem to recognize the severity ..and that - even though i don't even think they can ( or will) help me anyway cause i have no money or insurance. Will God hate me if i ended my pain?? I can't believe i even said that, because i do believe in God and love God- and even love me -the REAL me deep down inside- if i even exist there anymore. If i don't then this is all just a waste. All i know is that i literally can't live with this anymore and yet i have no medical outlet to even offer the illusion of being able to help me become well again. i am so scared, lost and alone. i hope you all are doing better than i am! hugs to you all!

m
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 11:28pm
(((mkoukla3)))

Sorry that you are feeling so terrible.

Do you talk with your doctor about how you really feel? I mean, they can't help if you aren't honest with them. I don't mean to say that you aren't, but I just thought I'd mention that.

I wish I could say something to make you feel better, I wish I could help you in some way. All I can do if offer you my support and send some ((hugs)).

Take care

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 11:49pm
Hello Pamela, thank you for your response- Actually, part of the problem is that i DON'T even have a doctor at all - not for a long while that is - i was seeing a psych. student/resident that worked with me back in last july for a year, but he needed to leave to pursue his certification or whatever, and i was basically abandonded- in more ways than one i was also seeing a doc. who had put me on a BUNCH of meds- which i didn't really approve of and then never monitored me or how i felt after i hadn't magically been cured in a few months! Uggggh, i really don't want to think about how horribly i was treated again ...i just can't believe how some people can carry around a name tag stating that they are "MD's" when they are the most cold and uncaring people on the planet! Anyways, so, as i mentioned i am totally alone in this- and have truly lost my self at this point. Thanks again for listening!! Take care ..

m

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 11:56pm
((m))

Do you live in the US? I live in Cda, so alot of things are different here.

I have heard some people mention going through your church, through a school (maybe a university?), do you have anything special through work? I know at my job we have a special service set up for us through our Blue Cross.

Yeah, I agree that some doctors aren't very good. Keep in mind that there has to be some good ones out there, though.

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 10:42am

((((((((((M)))))))))) --


Who put you on all those meds?

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 11:58pm
Thanks for your suggestions Barb. And although i really DO NOT want to sound like a pessimist- I am NOT kidding when i say that I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING (except ECT which i refuse to do for several reasons)- And just to prove it i'll tell you that although i work an exhausting 10 hour a day job (with 2 special needs children- i'm their nanny)i just was able to qualify for Medicaid which i now have, but apparently it's just as if i have NO insurance, because the sub-provider that i chose (unknowingly, in that no one ever educated me in the fact that the provider i have, doesn't cover any near by or even remotely near by clinics or hospitals) or Some other excuses i've been given is that although a particular hospital accepts my coverage, they won't see me because i don't "LIVE IN THEIR ZONE"! So as sad as my experiences have been- I actually HAVE tried to keep some hope alive , but i've tried it all : MEDS, THERAPY- only by a student who basically used me as a "study" to get his certification, eating better, going back to work, bought hundreds of dollars (which i don't have- i charged it all)on self-help programs, books, etc., called suicide hotlines for advise, spoke with a Father at a church, prayed with all of my being- and yet i have gotten nowhere but farther into this depression and even MORE confused which i hadn't thought was possible! I guess as i said before this must be my fate - for some unfair reason. I just don't know what else to do- i'm lost it seems forever now since i simply can't even remember what it's like to feel and be "normal" again.

Take Care of yourselves friends...sending out many ((((hugs)))).....

m
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 10:14am



(((((((((((((((mkoukla))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You will make it thru this you will see

if you have beaten this before you will be able to do it again.

I know what it is like to be dead inside it sucks and no one seems to understand except for the ladies on the board here but try to fight you will see just how ownderful you are

Dont end it all in the end it really isnt worth it I always say this but I am gonna keep saying it what you spoke of is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I know how hard it is to se a light at this time in your life but it is there dont give up hope there are people that love you like your boyfriend your family your friends us here on the board even though it seems that everyone is gone and pushed away that isnt true they are probably scared and dont now what to do.

I wish I could help you somehow to get the help that you deserve.

Just hang in there keep posting in time things will get better

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 10:30am

((((((((((M)))))))))) --


Don't forget!

 

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CL-ladybug987

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 10:40am

(((((((((((M))))))))))))


is there a county crisis line in your area?

Blessed Be!

Laure-co-cl on migraines & headaches

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 2:21pm
mkoula i just wanted you to know that i read your post and wish that i had something to offer you. all i can do is send you hugs sweetie. hang in there.