hello again (triggers)...
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hello again (triggers)...
| Mon, 11-24-2003 - 11:02pm |
First of all, i want to send out lots of hugs to all of my friends on this board! i am sorry that i haven't posted in a while...i have been doing nothing but working and reluctantly waking up every morning to put every single ounce of my energy and soul into my job- and as thankful as i am to have a job- ladies i am not kidding you when i say even though my body may be there my mind, logic, and not to mention acurate perception are anywhere BUT with me. I am hardly eating - and yet gaining ALOT of weight (12 pounds in the last couple of months, or maybe even weeks!! who the heck knows anymore- that's another thing my sence of time is non-existant). All i know is that i can honestly say that i am dead inside. i don't feel anything, besides miserable 24/7, and i have managed to not only push my family and close friends away from me- i feel such a "cold" feeling in my relationship with my boyfriend of 2 1/2years. i feel like even though i beat this illness before TWICE- this time it is back with a vengence and there is no way out for me. i guess this was my fate. i just don't know why my life had to be taken away from me at the age of 25 ...i am crying so hard now that i don't know what to do. I was always such an intelligent and loving person who would do all i possibly could for people- and i guess i just cannot comprehend WHY, WHY ,WHY this is happening to me! God help me but i feel like i have totally lost my mind... and no one (especially "supposed" doctors) seem to recognize the severity ..and that - even though i don't even think they can ( or will) help me anyway cause i have no money or insurance. Will God hate me if i ended my pain?? I can't believe i even said that, because i do believe in God and love God- and even love me -the REAL me deep down inside- if i even exist there anymore. If i don't then this is all just a waste. All i know is that i literally can't live with this anymore and yet i have no medical outlet to even offer the illusion of being able to help me become well again. i am so scared, lost and alone. i hope you all are doing better than i am! hugs to you all!
m
m

Sorry that you are feeling so terrible.
Do you talk with your doctor about how you really feel? I mean, they can't help if you aren't honest with them. I don't mean to say that you aren't, but I just thought I'd mention that.
I wish I could say something to make you feel better, I wish I could help you in some way. All I can do if offer you my support and send some ((hugs)).
Take care
Pamela
m
Do you live in the US? I live in Cda, so alot of things are different here.
I have heard some people mention going through your church, through a school (maybe a university?), do you have anything special through work? I know at my job we have a special service set up for us through our Blue Cross.
Yeah, I agree that some doctors aren't very good. Keep in mind that there has to be some good ones out there, though.
Pamela
((((((((((M)))))))))) --
Who put you on all those meds?
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v254/ladybug987/Signatures/springbutterflybarb.jpg>
CL-ladybug987
Take Care of yourselves friends...sending out many ((((hugs)))).....
m
(((((((((((((((mkoukla))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You will make it thru this you will see
if you have beaten this before you will be able to do it again.
I know what it is like to be dead inside it sucks and no one seems to understand except for the ladies on the board here but try to fight you will see just how ownderful you are
Dont end it all in the end it really isnt worth it I always say this but I am gonna keep saying it what you spoke of is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I know how hard it is to se a light at this time in your life but it is there dont give up hope there are people that love you like your boyfriend your family your friends us here on the board even though it seems that everyone is gone and pushed away that isnt true they are probably scared and dont now what to do.
I wish I could help you somehow to get the help that you deserve.
Just hang in there keep posting in time things will get better
((((((((((M)))))))))) --
Don't forget!
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v254/ladybug987/Signatures/springbutterflybarb.jpg>
CL-ladybug987
(((((((((((M))))))))))))
is there a county crisis line in your area?
Blessed Be!
Laure-co-cl on migraines & headaches