Need to vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Need to vent
4
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 1:05pm
Okay, yesterday was a strange day. I was really struggling in the morning, but as the unpleasant tasks were accomplished I started feeling better. By the time my "group" rolled around I was in an "ok" place. Well, this group therapy quickly changed that. I went from "ok" to angry beyond belief. When my depression started getting real bad, I started to have a couple of beers in the evenings in hopes of being able to relax enough to get some sleep. Not smart, but I'd tried everything else. When I met with my CM last week she explained to me that this group was about determining whether a person is or is not an alcoholic and wanted me to do it. I know I am at risk, but never really considered it, as I typically don't drink. This past couple weeks have been the first in well over a year and before that, 15 yrs. Anyway, I decide to go to this thing mainly because of all the stuff I'm dealing with right now (SOBER, I might add........by choice). Got there and by the time I left there, I was so angry. As discussion went around the room, I started realizing that this was not a group to "determine" if you were or weren't an alcoholic, but rather learning how to "admit" you are an alcoholic. So, now I'm roped into this group thing, and in addition to 2 nights a week for that, in order to "graduate" this group, I also have to attend 2 AA meetings a week for the next 7 weeks. THIS is NOT why I called to get back in to therapy! When I made that call, I wasn't even drinking anything!

Anyway, came home sifted through my anger and was better. In fact, I was in a "good" mood! Not like a few days ago, but just an honest to goodness good mood. I thought I was "home free". My issues that I was dealing with before my father's passing seem to have faded into nothing, and having accomplished what I did yesterday regarding my dad's apt. and what not, I felt good. Whole, complete. I wondered, after all I had heard, read, etc. about the grief process if this was unusual, but was pretty convinced that I was through it and came out "on top."

Well, as I've come so accustomed to admitting lately, I was WRONG!!!!!!!! I had to go back to work today due to financial reasons. And seeing all the dad's putting their kids on my bus was just a little more than I was ready to handle. I held it in because I didn't need to upset 60 kids while I was trying to get them to school. Then, my middle schoolers.........one asked me if I was okay cause I'd taken a LOT of time off lately. I just told her that there had been a death in my family and hoped to leave it at that (here comes those boundaries Trac mentioned). She pressed........"who was it? was it someone close?", etc. I told her it was my dad. She got very quiet very quick. Thankfully, I might add. I came home, made two more phone calls that had to be made and then received a call from a long-time family friend who had just heard. Got off the phone with her and went to pieces. Knowing I had other matters to attend to, I forced myself to pull it together and went and ran the rest of my errands.

Through all of this, I couldn't help but think, "I don't have time to grieve." Everytime something starts to come out, I have to shove it back in because of something that needs to be done or having to focus on driving my school bus.

This revelation scares me in a way though. Is everything toing to come back on me at once? The depression, the grief over my dad, the alcoholism thing? There's no therapy sessions on the horizon, as I'm still on that lovely waiting list. I can't afford private practice even with insurance and co-pays. I'm just STUCK!

I have a case manager who thinks I'm a drunk, a grief process that keeps getting interrupted and depression that I'm not sure if it's gone or just "under" the grief. I need help, but all I'm getting is feedback that I'm a drunk and need help for this. Well, if that's going to be the extent of my "therapy", I don't think I'll waste any more of their time. Last night I thought I was "better" and no longer needed therapy. Today, I realize I'm not better, but also am not getting the therapy that I need right now. It all seems very hopeless right now. I am NOT looking forward to the holidays at all. They've been hard on me for many years, now I have 1 more reason to add to that list.

I've come to the conclusion that it won't get better, but after having gone through my own dad's death, I'm not planning on offing myself either. There just is no solution for me.

Foggy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 1:58pm

Ugh! I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this. Depression really is hard enough to deal with when you get the proper support and help, neither of which you're getting right now. It seems like this alcoholic group

Ruth, Single Mom to

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 8:18pm

Foggy;


I'm soooo sorry that things are rough right now.

Blessed Be!

Laure-co-cl on migraines & headaches

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 10:47pm

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Foggy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I am so sorry that the group you have been sent to seems to only be about alcoholism.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 12:30am
Thank you all for your replies. I'm sorry to keep bugging ya'll with all this. Especially this close to the holidays. I've gotten alot of good input here and made a lot of new friends. I am planning on calling the CM back on Monday and talking to her about this group thing. That really fried me. Anyway, thanks again. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. You all deserve a happy day! You all are great.

((((((((((((((((((ALL))))))))))))))))))

Peace, Love & Light,

Traci

P.S.

Trac, keep those guardian angels coming. I can use all the help I can get right now. Thank you.